OffLine...for i donno how long.....

shits not fare! God took Briar instead of me...
i'm so tired of bein kicked down...
i owe IRS 250$
electricity is off at any second..

at work they said...if i cry 1 more time when i'm told to go home in 4 hours....
they wont need me any more....

FINE!!! i'll slit my wrists right in front of them.....

seriously....if it should happen, NOT 1 sad face better happen....you got that!

yes, i'm strong, and i work hard, but i'm tired, tired of this wretched life...
and i'm tired of crying for help... i'm tired of crying

Happy Birthday to me

[img]graemlins/heart.gif[/img] oh mel..i'd give anything to give you some comfort..but words are all i can offer..and they dont help much..but i will say this..dont tell me not to be sad..dont tell me not to care..do not tell me your worthless..becuase YOU are not..no matter how far down you go..there is only one way up..and i'll be damned if i'd let them win..ive been thru some stuff that would make most of you run sobbing..i dont talk about it..i try not to burden anyone with it..i guess amy is the only person who truly knows the depths that my despair sunk me too..but let me tell you something..death is final..there is no coming back..and if i had allowed myself to do the ultimate..to take my life..who wins in that situation..not me..im dead..not my family..they will greive..not my freinds..they will greive as only they can..not my enemies..they will dance and rejoice..fuck that..if im gonna go down its kicking and screamin..fuck letting them take me without a complaint...You will be able to come back up mel..you will..i know this in my heart..your too strong..look how far youve come..why fall back now..it looks tuff i know..it looks impossible..but nothing is impossible if you want it bad enough..there are ways out of every diaster..you just have to find it..your heart can lead you so far..before your head has to take over...i know you dont think much of me really..i know im not your best freind..but i do know one thing..and you should too..I CARE..and i will continue to care..im here if you need me..

Damn it that got me all pumped up!!!!! Very nicely said Blaze...... Life only gets to you if you let it....tired of gettin kick around...then stop gettin kicked around....time for change perhaps...... Get a new job.... get a new home.... move and start over.....nothing is in stone and the world is your stage...... nothing is impossible.... When your done crying then be ready to come out swinging....if you want you life to be differnt...then make it happen....it right there inside... just go for it...you might amaze yourself..your stronger then you know and nothing wrong with gettin down... we all need it...its what helps flush out the bad and gets us ready for the great....... You got some amazing friends here that love you sooooooo much and would do just about anything for you....... thats a lot more then some have.... I don't even really know ya very well.... but I am here too.....

Hang in there chick-a-dee.....

Mel...
When so many people are fighting daily to keep their life, you're talking about ending yours.

NO!

Do NOT let this kick your ass. You are a very strongwilled person, and though you are being beat down by life right now, it will change.

Nothing ever stays the same. Sometimes it feels like its never gonna change, but.... it does.

Once you do this... its permanent. You can't change it. Ever. Think it over.

Are you going to let those bastards get the best of you? Are you going to lay down and die?

NO!

You gotta get up, brush yourself off, and just like they said above me *glances up at Blaze and Wiq* find a different job... get the hell out of dodge, relocate, somewhere....... anywhere...... but don't stay there if its bringing you down to this point.

We DO CARE. We WILL be sad if you do something to yourself. How could we NOT? You can't seriously expect us to not care.

We are here.

We'll always be here.

For you.

Blaze, remember when we first met, we were talking about bands and you sent me to a site....
i clicked on something and there was a video of the guy floppin his dilly across the stage...
it was such a shock that you sent me to see something like that....
and you couldnt understand what i was talkin about till you went and saw it....
YOU were soooo embarrassed... i laughed so hard...
expecially when Chloeeeee saw it...*L*

i'm so sorry that you've ever got the impression that i didnt care for you .... i cant see how??

hey! i gotta go, battery backup is on....

Stay strong for me Brii...

i love you guys so much!!
we'll see what happens if i can get back on soon or not....k

OMG..i hadnt thought of that in years..i was soo embarrassed..haha..bless your heart for rememberin..things are sometimes not what they seem on here...my mistake for thinking what i did..your a good one..hold your head up.. [img]graemlins/thumbs_up.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/heart.gif[/img]

I ain't given you some sappy big long speech. You told me you were gonna live through this shit. So shut the fuck up with the suicide talk and start living through it.

Oh and Happy Birthday [img]graemlins/kiss.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/heart.gif[/img]

take ONE day at a time mel and be strong thats the only way your gonna make it through life...life seems easy sometimes, but its not...YOU have alot of friends that care and love YOU and is here to listen to you when you need someone to talk to so dont be scared to pull one of us aside if you wanna talk...WE are here for YOU mel *smiles*...I have learnt to take life how it is dealt to you and everything will fall in place how it is suppose to and be positive in life, cuz if your negative it will get you no where...so BE strong

yeah, i said i'd live through this shit....

but it wont stop, everything i try to hold on to, gets taken away..
i have to let go, theres nothing more to hold on to.....
every time i try to stand up, something knocks me down..... there's no reason to even try to stand up anymore....
i dont see any reason, except to exist


.
even Jesus died from bein beatin down......right?

Big difference mel...

Jesus died because He laid down His life willingly.

He allowed it to happen.

Do you not think for one moment that if He had demanded, 10 thousand angels would of been by His side and removed him from that deplorable situation?

Of course He could of done that.

He had the power to will it so.
But...
He didn't.

He gave His life for the multitude. That includes me... 'n you.

Don't hand over your life so easily.
Aren't you worth anything?
Don't you matter?
Don't you have self-worth?

Of course you do.
Can you not see the people surrounding you now who care?
If we care, then you owe it to yourself to care too.

Yes, life's a bitch.
But, as they say... "and ya die" it doesn't have to be "right now".
Now does it?

Stand up.
Be strong.
You can you can't.

I say... you ARE.

I've been down, I've been REALLY DOWN mel. You or no-one else on this hostboard knows just how down I've been.

Its somethin I haven't ever shared with anyone, just cos.
Its tough to climb back up from the bottom.
Its a struggle.

I didn't wanna get back up to the top.
Cos I simply didn't care.

But, things began to change...SLOWLY.
I was discouraged... I was depressed, I was listless....
I just didn't give a damn about anything.

Standing back, looking back, its been 5 years since I was down there at the bottom.
I'm happier right now than I've ever been.

Life ain't just always peachy.
Its hard.

But you can make it past this. It doesn't even matter if you want to or not. Just keep pluggin. Just do it.

Then... when you get one step up... don't turn around and look back...keep goin forwards.

When your life is where you want it to be... THEN turn around. Look back. THEN you'll appreciate the difficult steps it took to get you where you are.

Mel....trust me........
its gonna be ok.

I hear ya mel...life is a bitch...especially when you have no support where you are and it feels like that your alone...I have been there once and lost everything...thought like you did...whats the point of living i kept asking myself when i just lost my whole life in front of me...I sometimes do still think that, but i know i cant give up...I know life will getting better and theres no turning back...just gonna be strong and fight...when i get knocked down i pick myself up and try again and again until i get it right, so you do that...when you fall pick yourself back up and keep trying be strong...know that YOU have friends that love and care for YOU...

DON'T GIVE UP HOPE

Hope gives you the strength to keep going when you feel like giving up.

Don't ever quit believing in yourself. As long as you believe you can, you will have a reason for trying.

Don't let anyone hold your happiness in their hands; hold it in your own, so it will always be within your reach.

Don't measure success or failure by material wealth, but by how you feel. Our feelings determine the riches in our lives.

Don't let bad moments overcome you. Be patient, and they will pass.

Don't hesitate to reach out for help; we all need it from time to time.

Don't runaway from Love, but towards love; because it is our deepest joy.

Don't wait for what you want to come to you. Go after it with all that you are; knowing that life will meet you half way.

Don't feel like you've lost when plans and dreams fall short of your hopes.

Anytime you learn something new about yourself, or about life, you have progressed.

Don't do anything that takes away from your self-respect. Feeling GOOD about yourself is essential to feeling GOOD about life.

Don't ever forget how to laugh or be too proud to cry. It is by doing both that we live life to the FULLEST.

Mel this one's for you.
This song always makes me feel good
I hope it can bring a little happiness to your day.

*holds my hand out to form a circle and starts to sing*

And I never thought I`d feel this way
And as far as I`m concerned
I`m glad I got the chance to say
That I do believe I love you
And if I should ever go away,
Well, then close your eyes and try,
To feel the way we do today,
And then if you can remember,
Keep smiling, keep shining,
Knowing you can always count on me,
for sure, that`s what friends are for,
For good times, and bad times,
I`ll be on your side forevermore,
That`s what friends are for.
Well, you came and opened me
And now there`s so much more I see
And so by the way, I thank you
And then for the times we`re apart,
Well, then close your eyes and know
These words are coming from my heart
And then if you can remember,
Keep smiling, keep shining,
Knowing you can always count on me,
For sure, that`s what friends are for,
For good times, and bad times,
I`ll be on your side forevermore,
That`s what friends are for,
Keep smiling, keep shining,
Knowing you can always count on me,
For sure, that`s what friends are for,
For good times, and bad times,
I`ll be on your side forevermore,
That`s what friends are for,
Keep smiling, keep shining,
Knowing you can always count on me,
for sure, that`s what friends are for.
For good times, and bad times,
I`ll be on your side forevermore,
That`s what friends are for.

[img]graemlins/rose.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/heart.gif[/img]

*stands behind mel and plays the violin as she types*

is that, that song called shinny happy people???

cuz i dint think i heard it before...but i have...
it seemed like AK was sway'n a little bit while she was sing'n...
a very pretty song... [img]graemlins/rose.gif[/img]

CG the poems you post say everything beautifully..
that one, Gods Garden? i believe its called?
that one, i love that one... [img]graemlins/heart.gif[/img]

i dont like it when i get so down, its not me..
and i know i'm the only one who can pick myself up....
its so overwhelming i can hardly think straight...i just dont know what to do next...

the reason i'm still online is my brother, Mike works for edison and fixed it so i can have electricity till sunday night...
he loves living by himself.....so much so, that he wants to pay for a place for me... like a first and last, on a place....this saturday..
THEN all i need is a better pay'n job, by saturday....getting a second job is easy enough.... but i work too damn hard physically... i'm not sure if i could do it..
and if i dont get a better job or a second job right away....i'll end up losing it all again....

and here, most of you have been through ..."hitting bottom"... so to speak, but ya never brought it out in the open...
...i'm so fucking confused...

<font color="#9900FF" size="1">[ March 04, 2004 10:04 PM: Message edited by: M?????a ]</font>

Well Mel...
I guess back then I didn't wanna post it because I didn't want anyone to know what a shambles my life was.
I didn't confide in anyone.
I didn't want anyone to see what a mess I was in.

Everyone was so 'happy happy joy joy' all the time, I just didn't feel like it was appropriate.

Quote:
"and here, most of you have been through ..."hitting bottom"... so to speak, but ya never brought it out in the open...
...i'm so fucking confused..."


Let me fill you in of what exactly was happening to me in the year I fell down and stayed down....


I ended up getting a divorce from a man I'd spent the past 20 years being committed to.
I had my wages garnished. (from a minium wage job even)
I ended up in a bad relationship after my divorce.
Became even more depressed.
Lost all my friends.
Lost my house, due to lack of ability to pay.
Had my electricity turned off.
Lived in my van for nearly 3 months.
Had no fresh water or clean clothes.
I lost all my picture albums, memories of my children, because the ex stole them out of my van when I was at work.
Had no reason to live, so I became more depressed.
Ended up taking every lil thing that might of been worth money to the pawn shop, including my precious computer just to be able to eat once a day.
I got laid off due to lack of work.
Had NO way of getting any money then.
Couldn't go looking for work too far, because I lost my van. (again, due to lack of ability to pay)
Lost every bit of dignity and self respect I had.
I nearly gave up.

Well there.
Now you know.

Something I'm definitely not proud of, but as you can see, I had nothing. NOTHING to want to live for.

That was 5 years ago.

See Mel?
Things DO change.

Life is good for me now.
5 years ago, I would of never believed it could ever be this way.

<font color="#9900FF" size="1">[ March 05, 2004 01:51 AM: Message edited by: Briii ]</font>

First let me say I'm sorry. I know I haven't posted here in ages and maybe I haven't earned the right to or I have no business too. You can always delete my post, but I couldn't ignore this part:

Mel:

Quote:

---

but it wont stop, everything i try to hold on to, gets taken away..
i have to let go, theres nothing more to hold on to.....
every time i try to stand up, something knocks me down..... there's no reason to even try to stand up anymore....
i dont see any reason, except to exist

---

<font size="4" face="times new roman">Mel, nobody knows this or feels this way more than me believe me. I mean, I thinik EVERYBODY here knows everything I have lost. I have been there so many times when I felt like I had nothing else left to lose like everyone has constantly taken away everything from me, and I can't hold on to anything. I'm not saying what I lost is more than what someone else has lost, but I'm just saying I've been there many times and I have felt the same way. But look at where I'm at now. I have never been so happy before in my entire life, with the exception of my kids not being here. I am happier than ever before with me and who I am and things have turned completely around for me and I can even feel the change in myself, and it feels good.

Mel, when you hit rock bottom, there is only one way to go and that's up. If it doesn't kill ya, it makes ya stronger. Give it time and the good comes with the bad, and the good times DO come back around. It's always better after the storm, just give time a chance to bring back the good because the bad things can't last forever.
I kow all that is cheesy, bad advice maybe but I meant it sincerely and it's how I feel. Like I said you can always delete it if ya want.

Someone brought this thread to my attention last night......wondering why I had not posted on it...I didnt see it........I guess I dont pay attention to the boards like I used too...and I thought your situation was fixed.....

Mel.....We have known each other for alot of years...been friends for most of them..*smirks....You know I love you to death.....and I have seen you walk away from hard situations......Painful ones.....with your head held high......
You can do the same this time around.......Things will change......If you feel like you have hit rock bottom there is no place for you to go but up.......You realize this right.......Things can only get better from here.....
If you cant get more hours where you are.....mass email your resume to every job opening you can find on the net.....The internet is the best way to find a job.....its an excellent resource.....
I dont know if the goverment helps there.....with rent and stuff.......Maybe you could look into that....
What dont kill you will make you stronger.....None of this is because of something you have done......Its life being a bitch.....It will get better....You just need to hang in there until it does
And always......If I can help in any way...You know how to find me...
[img]graemlins/heart.gif[/img]

btw.....If you want and dont have time because of work you can email me the newspapers ...employment agencies in your area....and I can look for you.......and email them to you........I can even help with your resume if you dont have one already...Just let me know.....

hey mel...

I've known you now for what.. 6 years? And you have always in that time been someone I could count on to have my back.. no matter what happened to me or how long I fell off the planet....

my rock bottom was pretty public on here.. I don't think there is a soul here who doesn't know aaaaaaaaallll about it..

but since then...

I have made it through unbelievably well.. in fact.. I'll be graduating from school in June.. took a lot of hard work.. but I did it... I think you can too.. if you want a better paying job.. go back to school.. doesn't matter if you have no money.. there are programs in place to help anyone who wants it bad enough go regardless of income.. you just have to be willing to fill out the paperwork... and it doesn't matter what your prior education status was... community colleges work with people to get their high school diplomas.. GED's.. or associates degrees.. whatever you need they can do.. and you can work still.. they have classes at night.. online.. even telecourses where you just watch tapes on your TV and do assignments based on the tapes...

mel.. when my life has been at its darkest.. you were there for me.. anything I can do to return the favor.. just let me know...

I'll be in San Diego sometime this month or early next.. I'll try to get together with you then..

much love, honey!

mel...

Wow... I don't know what to say on here that everyone hasn't already said. I can tell you that everyone loves you. I was all excited that I got to meet you and all worried that you didn't like me or have a good time with me and the fatman. *L* Ask Bran...I drove him a lil nuts with questions. Me and him had a long talk the other day, and I told him just like I told you. if there is anything I can do, TELL ME. I am not far away. Only about an 8 hour drive. Like heidi said...if you need help with anything, I'm here for you. If you need anything....ANYTHING...just ask.

Quote:

---

Originally posted by Genie_thegiggler:
You can always delete my post

---

<font size="4" face="times new roman">genie [img]graemlins/whatever.gif[/img] when have i ever deleted anything?? and where did you get such a thought??
you're such a silly girl sometimes...*L*


Brii? and then what....
i was following you step by step...then you stopped [img]biggrin.gif[/img] what happened? where did you go..what did you do? when or what was it that finally started to turn it all around??

*i spilt my Ramen [img]frown.gif[/img]


How many people think Heidi's an Angel, like George Burns was God?? remember that movie with George Burns.."oh God"..was that the name of it?? except Heidi's an urban street angel....
yeah! she's an urban angel.....just dont ruffle the feathers... [img]biggrin.gif[/img]
i love ya heidi, thank you so very much!

i need to do some more talkin to my brother...
we talked for like three hours on the phone.. the most i've ever talked to him at one time, my whole life... i think

i need to get out of the hole first...(look at this..*S*..you guys've got me thinkin, at least now i'm seeing a direction of what i need)
...wont do me any good to get a place.. and have my car, IRS and insurance = 999$ come down on me...

You see, there is a horror story as to why he dont want ANYBODY living with him....
for three years there was a bitch living in his house that he couldnt get rid of...
its against the law to throw anyones possessions out of a residence without a court order...
the first two years she was a horrid bitch, the last year she stole a total of 10grand in cash and maxed credit cards... and 1 thing he's still paying on is a solitaire diamond ring she bought from sears....
just so happened she has the same last name and fucked him up....

but i told him, "i'll make you wonder if i'm even there"...
na! i gotta talk to him some more... i need to make this solid... i never want this to ever happen again.. get out the hole! and work for UPS at the airport in Phoenix Arizona...
so i can breathe... *L* that'd be nice, but we'll see what happens: )

a new day, same shit, i'm just starting to finally LOOK at it all...

Thank You!!

<font color="#9900FF" size="1">[ March 05, 2004 05:04 PM: Message edited by: M?????a ]</font>

i looked in the back seat to say hi to fatman, he smiled an pharted...
i said "did you phart"?...he laughed

he aint even fat, he's precious!!

GG!! when i seen that "1 bedroom $450 month 2 months free" sign at those apartments...
i'm live'n to get back there, that and that little cottage backhouse i seen for rent in that nice neighborhood... i fell inlove with....*sighs

we'll see what happens.....k


Thank You!!!

<font color="#9900FF" size="1">[ March 05, 2004 05:25 PM: Message edited by: M?????a ]</font>

You have mail.
Check your pm box.

Hey Mel, I saw all these posts on here and just couldn't keep my mouth shut. You know we all go through tough times, but the only thing that really matters and the only thing that's really good in this life are the friends we make. For me at least it's the only thing that makes life worth living. I've felt like you do now several times. One thing is I'll always hang on because I'd never want to hurt them. Everything else in this world is just crap really. People have lived on this earth for thousands of years without all the stuff that we take for granted now.

Even if the rest of what you value now goes away you gotta learn to swim.

If you're up shits creek without a paddle learn to swim.

I know you'll read between the lines of what Maynard has to say here....

Some say the end is near.
Some say we'll see armageddon soon.
I certainly hope we will.
I sure could use a vacation from this
Bullshit three ring circus sideshow of
Freaks

Here in this hopeless fucking hole we call LA
The only way to fix it is to flush it all away.
Any fucking time. Any fucking day.
Learn to swim I'll see you down in Arizona bay.

Fret for your figure and
Fret for your latte and
Fret for your hairpiece and
Fret for your lawsuit and
Fret for your prozac and
Fret for your pilot and
Fret for your contract and
Fret for your car.

It's a
Bullshit three ring circus sideshow of
Freaks

Here in this hopeless fucking hole we call LA
The only way to fix it is to flush it all away.
Any fucking time. Any fucking day.
Learn to swim, I'll see you down in Arizona bay.

Some say a comet will fall from the sky.
Followed by meteor showers and tidal waves.
Followed by faultlines that cannot sit still.
Followed by millions of dumbfounded dipshits.

Some say the end is near.
Some say we'll see armageddon soon.
I certainly hope we will cuz
I sure could use a vacation from this

Silly shit, stupid shit...

One great big festering neon distraction,
I've a suggestion to keep you all occupied.

Learn to swim.

Mom's gonna fix it all soon.
Mom's comin' round to put it back the way it ought to be.

Learn to swim.

Fuck L Ron Hubbard and
Fuck all his clones.
Fuck all those gun-toting
Hip gangster wannabes.

Learn to swim.

Fuck retro anything.
Fuck your tattoos.
Fuck all you junkies and
Fuck your short memory.

Learn to swim.

Fuck smiley glad-hands
With hidden agendas.
Fuck these dysfunctional,
Insecure actresses.

Learn to swim.

Cuz I'm praying for rain
And I'm praying for tidal waves
I wanna see the ground give way.
I wanna watch it all go down.
Mom please flush it all away.
I wanna watch it go right in and down.
I wanna watch it go right in.
Watch you flush it all away.

Time to bring it down again.
Don't just call me pessimist.
Try and read between the lines.

I can't imagine why you wouldn't
Welcome any change, my friend.

I wanna see it all come down.
suck it down.
flush it down.

which song is that?

?nima - Album: Aenima

He was fat...*L* ask Bran! He has pictures! *shakin my head* talk about embarrasin mom..*L* Like I said...I'll have to get in touch with GOD... We'll figure somethin out between the 3 of us...