Giving Back

My First Day as an Islander.
I went to my very first AA meeting today
got my 24 hour chip..
those people are so real, man..
it's such a strange feeling,
to walk into a room full of strangers
and know that not one of them
is ever going to judge you..

one guy was celebrating his 8th 'birthday'
it was a party of sorts
yet..
i was the most important person in the room..
and they made sure i knew it..

i didn't talk for the longest time..
and the people kept telling me how lovely my smile is...
and that i must have made a mistake
because that was a meeting for alcoholics..

i remember..
when i was younger..
yeah, like a few years ago..
my friends and i used to make fuckin jokes
about going to aa..
i could never ever say
"hi my name is paige,
and i'm an alcoholic..."
without laughing..

it's no joke...

the topic the guy chose,
since it was his birthday,
after all,
was "giving Back"

basically..
anybody can walk into a meeting
but going back..
and talking with these people..
these real people..
doctors, lawyers, hoboes and moms..
teenagers and grandparents and
probably even your fourth grade teacher..
these meetings,
it's a gift to you..
from you..

but after all's said and done..
how have you given back,
for all the kindness you were shown?

not just in al anon, people..
don't forget to give back in the game of life,
either..
because you never know when it's gonna end..

these people..
they bought me a book
and they gave me their numbers...
"if you ever need to talk...."
strangers!
complete strangers!
talking to me like i was a long lost friend..

it's very touching...

<font color="#FF9900" size="1">[ May 29, 2004 02:39 AM: Message edited by: the revenant ]</font>

now..
i'm not selling out..
and i'm not gonna go all
holier than thou on ya'll..
but..
groups and meetings are such a great way
of getting through things..
and there's so many of them..

i should start a group for people who just wanna go to a group..
feeling a little left out?
the group group,
i'll call it..

Is proud of you..wise beyond your years lil one..i think bout ya every day..and send you happy thoughts..even if you dont hear them..i know they are there for you..and now..so do you.. [img]graemlins/heart.gif[/img] [img]biggrin.gif[/img]

blaZer *smooch.. did i pm you back yet?.. i dunno..
thank you.. *beams..
i hope it works out soon...
i've never felt so...
useless...
i dunno...
this is terrible..

quitting drinking is tough..
quitting smoking is tough..
quitting drugs is really tough..
quitting all three at the same time is like throwing myself off the balcony from the 10th floor and surviving..
it hurts..........

happy thoughts, i need...
sometimes i get them...

i get calling cards from my close friends...
not like.. that piece of plastic that enables me to call anywhere in canada or the us for only 2 cents a minute..
i mean like...
certain songs...
or a notion..
maybe a bird.

yes maam you sure did..and yeah..those hurt like hell..but you have and always will be one tough girl..you take what life has given you and make the most of it..you get lost..you get sad..you get scared..but you make it..and those calling cards mean so very much dont they.. [img]graemlins/heart.gif[/img]

*claps*...keep posting..its wonderful to see it thru your eyes.. [img]graemlins/rose.gif[/img]

ahh good.. i wans't sure if i did..
i know..
i've been thru much worse..
in the aspect of tough times..
but this takes..
every ounce of strength i have left..
and even what i don't have...
those calling cards mean so sooo much to me..
and i know that those who receive mine..
well, they mean a lot to them, also..
i hope you all get mine
as i send them regularly
to all my loved ones
*

my second meeting.
when i walked into that room..
their eyes lit up..
and then i smiled..
and the whole room smiled...
we did our discussions and stuff..
everybody who got the chance to speak today..
congratulated me on me on my second day..
and thanked me for my smile..
i made their days just by showing up
they made mine by being there
... i'm already giving back and i don't even realize it

i'm the youngest person in my group, so far..
yesterday a young man showed up
and he looked so lost..
he came again today!
we didn't think he would...
just the scared little puppy look he gave off..
but he said to me..
after he heard me talk in there yesterday..
that he decided he was gonna come back..
that made me happy...

a man took me aside today..
and he gave me a rose
he says it's almost as pretty as me,
but not nearly as pretty as my smile
these people are gonna kill me with kindness

he's an old man..
and i think i make his day just by being a part of it..
i think i'll adopt him..

Proud of you also Paige, and I doooo like the decor on this site.. [img]graemlins/thumbs_up.gif[/img]

i'm gonna start a journal for my sobriety..
i'm going with an idea a friend gave me..
for every meeting i go to..
is another page...
for every month is a chapter..
a complete book is a year..
hopefully i'll have a series [img]graemlins/heart.gif[/img]

wild..
thank you!
i do so like this decor, also..
thanks for stoppin by!

i don't have much action in here anymore..
but it's my slice..
for my venting..

my bit of therapy which i don't mind sharing with the world~

feel free to stop in any time..
i like nonsense ... nods

"alcoholics bleed thru their eyes"
i've done a lot of bleeding....
i think i've cried more in the past 5 days than i have in the past 2 years..
i know i've said that before..
but really!
it only took like 10 seconds into a conversation
about god
to make me cry today
the minute i saw my dad it was like..
instant tears..

i had no idea it was going to be this emotional..
i was expecting the jitters..
and the mood swings..
more anger, tho..
not sorrow..
i can't even help it..
i just cry

but i guess...
someone said..
we live life thru our feelings..
and you haven't truly lived until you've lived emotions..
so maybe they're just catching up with me now...?

Sometimes we run so fast thru life that we lose the feelings somewhere behind us..but man when they catch up...they really rake us over the coals..they say take the time to stop and smell the roses..but hell..i rarely see roses to stop and look at anymore...and i beleive when that happens..you should look for something other than roses maybe...thats what im doing..looking.. [img]smile.gif[/img]

paiges [img]graemlins/heart.gif[/img] ..*proud of you*

smell the roses...
as i walk into my apartment complex eery day
there's these big purple bushes...
i can't get too close
because they're so full of pollen..
but they smell soOoOOoOooo sweet....
that i have to stop every time
just so i can smell it..

it's sad when we lose touch..
with friends..
with family..
ourselves..
nature..

you don't realize how much you take for granted
until you no longer have it
i'm proud of me, too...
6 days no drinks..
4 days no drugs..

ok ok i smoked today..
but just one cigarette!
my first in 5 days..
and i love every fucking second of it....

we were driving down the road..
deeply engrossed in conversation..
when we turned a corner..
and the three of us..
all at once went Ooooooooooo wow!!
we almost swerved off the road..

we were coming up a hill..
it was a fairly straight road..
and you could see...
at the top of the hill..
the moon was coming up..
it was soOoOOoOoOOooo big
i could almost touch it,
if i stretched my fingers far enough....

we sped down the road to get to the beach...
and we drove right onto the sand...
the reflection of the moon on the water
stretched all the way to the shores
where our toes were
nestled snugly
into the wet sand..

it was... magikal...

and i realized...
today...
after my bout with nature..

........................ that i'm home

i got lost today..
i had to rush from my group
to get to my interview
by that time my high heels had already started
eating my feet
i finished the interview
which went excellently,
might i add
and was early for the bus..
no big deal,
so i wandered around...

whatever, bla bla bla, i got off the bus at the wrong stop
WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY wrong stop
and got lost
comox is smaller than the town i came from...
and i got lost..
i walked like 2 hours in high heels
and noticed my feet were slightly....
raw
so i switched shoes..
bad idea
they ate my feet even worse
and i still had about another 10 km to walk

i walked over 20 km today
because of my own stupidity
and don't tell me it could happen to anybody
because anybody else
would have the brain power
to stop and ask somebody
where the fuck they were

so i get lost the other day..
today i get up nice n early
so i can make it on time to my meeting
since i missed yesterdays
because i couldn't walk..

and who can't find the fucking bus stop..

oh but i found it
half a fucking hour too late...

i can't believe how fuckin stupid i am..
talk about self fucking pity

i dunno how the fuck i think i'm ever gonna fucking survive here
i can't even find a god damn fuckin bus stop on my own

*ouch*..maybe get someone to draw it out on a sheet of paper..so you have it with you.. [img]redface.gif[/img] ..poor bebegirl..you will figure it all out..your in a new place its totally understandable...just be careful..ok [img]graemlins/heart.gif[/img]

i got a map, now..
now i just need to learn to read maps =\
haha

...... what a fool i've been..
though i'm home,
i think i may have come here
just a touch too early
but i mean..
i had nowhere else to go

a month...
i'll give it a month...

today is paige 7..
two weeks sober, tomorrow
*attempts a lil dance

paigey.....*huggies you really really big*

I miss you...

*S*

Just wanted you to know...

GG..
it's always nice to see you pop up around here..
*huggs the stuffin outa ya..
i miss you, too!..
i wish i had the time these days
to sit down and catch up with my friends..
but this is the best i can do
for now, i hope

the topic of "powerlessness" keeps coming up
at quite a few meetings
and before today,
i've never hadmuch to say about it
without breaking down
so i didn't say nuthin..
but today it came up again
so i put my two cents in..
and i realize..
well, i realized just today, actually..
that.. tho i may be powerless over alcohol
and a lot of things in my life
only i have the power
to make the choice
to make the change
's all i said..
everybody else went into
big huge speals about their problem
and what not..
but afterwards..
they all said
i said what they wanted to say
in very few words..

just my lil bit of somethin, today...

i met a guy named Igor today
yes, igor..
he's from russia
i made two friends,
in two days
i'm absolutely ecstactic about it
did i spell that right? *L

i'm still all flabbergasted right now
because i had such a wonderful day

*today, i'm great*

aaaaaanyways..
we must have sat in the park for like 3 hours
and talked and talked
but it wasn't a conversation
you'd have with a stranger

it was really.. deep stuff..
kinda cool, to talk to people
on that level
without knowing them...

it was a total line,
but he wants to draw my picture
because he doesn't have a camera

.... these people are so cool
there's so much.. diversity here

the guy i met yesterday... eric..
he's just like me!..
it was so cool

i was beginning to think that
this town was full of fake people
because that's all i've met
strange how things work out..

i have to tell you about the people i've met..
they're so wonderful
*L
this little man at the bus stop, yesterday
he was a little slow
i wouldn't say he was a handicap,
but one of them cute little men
happy in his own little world
*L he took my face in his hands,
kissed both my cheeks
and told me to stay beautiful *L
then he paid for my bus fare..
it was too cute for words..

i have to get over this
singing with my headphones on thing i do
*L i walk down the street..
belting out
honky tonk women
and round the corner comes a group of people
laughing their fool heads off
at me, nonetheless

i think sometimes..
we overlook the little things..
we're in charge of our days..
our attitudes

but sometimes..

somebody'll come along..
and steal it away

don't ever let them steal that away =(

i walked in the door,
practically skipping
i had so much of a bounce in my step *L
and i walked into my dad scowling at the table..
and instantly..
i felt my mood just go
<font size="5">THBBBBBBBBBBBBBT!</font>

what do you do when someone steals your power....

<font color="#FF9900" size="1">[ June 11, 2004 10:05 PM: Message edited by: the revenant ]</font>

you take it back,
of course

*with my killer smile

i told para a bit earlier..
that i keep hearin from everybody
how proud they are of what i'm doing..
everyday, even..
and everyday it makes me grin..

but i'm really not sure if anybody realizes
the extent of how proud
i am of me..

this entire thread has been me
talking about me
i don't like to do it..
(yeah right.. hahaha)
but..
i feel the need to share with the world..

I said before to share it with us..so we can better understand what your feeling and going thru. It makes me feel a part of your life..your troubles..your joys..and if i didnt care about you little one..id not be readin any of this..its something to be proud of..your someone to be proud of..and im glad to be able to share it with you.. [img]graemlins/heart.gif[/img]

*huggs chele..
i have so much to share but so little time
i'm on the move, again
and will stop in to speak my say, soon..

realization..
when does it kick in?
how often is it too late..
is it ever, really, too late?

living with a mental disorder
not necessarily your own,
but living with someone who has one?
"while the person affected may be borderline, it effects those around them, and, in fact, those involved may also show signs of borderline..."

maybe we're all a little borderline around here

on the run again..
i could spend my life running..
from what..
i wish i knew..
i've come realize..
yeah i like that word..
realize...
anyways..
i've come to realize...
that everyday i wake up..
i have to fight what i'm destined to be..
i never asked for these traits..
yet i'm afflicted..

my most.. commonly used phrase these days seems to be..
c'est la vie..

although...
j'est suis prest
seems to be the one i should use..
because i am, in fact, ready..

ready for what..
i'm not sure..?

i know i should try and stay..
and deal with this..
but staying here would involve
counsellors...
and treatment centers..

they called mental health on me yesterday..

isn't it great..
how our family seems to be the ones
who knows what's best..
but they don't realize?
there's that word again..
they don't realize that
they are what makes me mental?
am i even mental?