I can honestly say that I have no suggestions to make this piece any better. It's very clean. Your imagery is great, and I love the last line. It brings us back to the bird image at the opening without being redundant. SO, yeah, it's great.
Printable View
I can honestly say that I have no suggestions to make this piece any better. It's very clean. Your imagery is great, and I love the last line. It brings us back to the bird image at the opening without being redundant. SO, yeah, it's great.
flocks in formation flood
the serene sky, signaling
the resurgence of Spring.
as the impeccable sun
pounds down on snow piles,
the Midwest begins to melt.
boughs no longer shimmer
with winter skin. the wind
no longer bites and howls.
Spring is a different animal.
it is a breeze that sings
like birds on their way home.
you're always commenting about my imagery. but, thank you. i know i'm don't like using this word, but does the piece "flow"? does one stanza come into the next? for me, the third stanza seems the weakest, but it sets up the last stanza nicely (which brings back the beginning). so, i don't know. also, there were a couple of words that i think i could have omitted.
you need to start ripping me up...even the most minute things!
thanks again
machinery
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Three "F" words in the first line,Quote:
Originally posted by machinery:
flocks in formation flood
the serene sky, signaling
the resurgence of Spring.
Three "S" words in the second,
none of the same in the last
That was the first thing I noticed. Not that it's bad, but if intentional, fine. If not... it seems kinda odd at first glance, and it's not like that anywhere else. So it could use some revising, To me at least...
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I do not like the use of the word impeccable here. It bothers me. It doesn't fit - it's too big, and to me, it makes me think of choices (his choices were impeccable, for example). Dunno why, but impeccable just doesn't seem to fit right there (or anywhere else in the peice).Quote:
as the impeccable sun
pounds down on snow piles,
the Midwest begins to melt.
Also, IMO the word 'piles' seems weak.
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I like these last two a lot. I wouldn't touch them if I could!Quote:
boughs no longer shimmer
with winter skin. the wind
no longer bites and howls.
Spring is a different animal.
it is a breeze that sings
like birds on their way home.
Just some ideas [img]smile.gif[/img]
<font color="#00FF00" size="1">[ March 07, 2007 12:02 AM: Message edited by: Hannibal ]</font>
i changed a few things.
the changes are few,
but changes nonetheless.
see if it is any better.
***
flocks in formation flood
the serene sky, signaling
a resurgence of Spring.
the stunning sun pounds
upon lingering loads of snow;
commencement of melting.
limbs no longer shimmer
with winter skin. the wind
no longer bites and howls.
Spring is a different animal.
it is a breeze that sings
like birds on their way home.
<font color="#00FF00" size="1">[ March 08, 2007 10:39 PM: Message edited by: machinery ]</font>