Re: sorry, i must be high.
sometimes i feel like i'm going mad.
with boyfriend and friend passed out drunk it was early in the morning and i felt a familiar itching creeping into my veins, this vague sense of restlessness that i absolutely hate. i felt like i wanted to tear heads off, shit down the necks, eat people alive. when i went to grab my bike to ride it out, the front tire was painstakingly flat. on top of everything else, this was enough to make me want to run. i want to leave. i want to get out. all this shit pisses me off so much and i don't even know what's bothering me. is it my grandmother dying? is it my boyfriend? is it my stagnant waste of life on this planet?
either way, i wasn't going anywhere. not on my bike, at least.
i settled for the bed with eyes ablaze at the ceiling and clenched fists at my sides. i awoke this morning with the day's hotness dipping over my skin, a dying wind lazily breezing through the open doorway.
what the fuck is wrong with me, posting all this on a board that no one reads anymore. maybe i'm going insane because i don't write anymore. maybe i'm going absolutely crazy because i have no one to write with anymore like i used to.
four hours, six, eight, fucking ten per day glued to a computer writing shit. now what do i do with that time? i'll watch a movie or two, ride my bike, do shit with my boyfriend. that's the problem! that's it right there. i have a boyfriend that i like spending time with. before, when i was with someone else, i didn't want anything to do with him, so i shut him out completely and delved into my own world every single day. i did it happily and without remorse. if only i hated everyone again, then i could write more, and then maybe i wouldn't be crazy like last night. maybe i wouldn't feel like i was spinning out of control, like i needed to run as far away as possible, like i wanted to punch walls and kick windows in.
it's horrible. i can still feel it brewing there... it's all in the tap of my toe, the frenetic tapping of my fingers on this keyboard, the simple grind of my teeth that i don't even notice until i think about it.
yesterday was 4/20 and that's all a crock of shit. i didn't even smoke weed.
Re: sorry, i must be high.
what the fuck. i am pissed as fuck. someone stole my bike today, and for some reason it feels like a bit of my sanity has been chipped away. my bike is fun, i ride everywhere, it makes me feel good, it helps me release energy. aside from the fact that bike thieves should be fucking fucked in the ass on sight, i SERIOUSLY don't understand how some asshole can think that taking something that doesn't belong to them is okay... especially when it's a transportation item.
WHAT THE FUCK. FUCK.