Printable View
at two in the morning i sit in my living room taking minibong hits, glancing at my boyfriend passed out on the couch. i get up and walk to the kitchen, watching the dust puff up from the carpet, all between my toes, and all i can think is, what a sad, dusty life this is.
<font color="#000000" size="1">[ November 02, 2006 05:13 AM: Message edited by: killjoyed ]</font>
"i play like a movie, you're like reading a book. you have to turn the page."
william jeffrey page, circa 2003
my poor boyfriend. and he says i'm the patient one.
<font color="#000000" size="1">[ November 26, 2006 01:54 AM: Message edited by: killjoyed ]</font>
they're all dying.
...how high are you?
never high enough for where a shitload of sleep can't handle.
i have no license.
and now my car is in jail.
well, at least i don't have to go to work.
in quiet unfamiliar rooms where it can be as dark as the shadowed side of the moon, where your eyes can't adjust to anything decisive, what do you think of? my mind goes to the corners, watching in horrific fascination as monsters come from the depths of unending closets, untucking themselves from the underbellies of beds.
the dog at the foot of my own is old and small, with ears that forget the pains of life, a dismal protection.
i wake up every forty minutes, sweat tickling the length of my spine, my eyelids snapping open as my fingers work a frenzy at the bedside lamp... the only clues of night horrors is in the occasional sway of a curtain, a misplaced alarm clock four inches away from where i had originally put it.
snapping teeth fill my mind as i sink back to the pillows, fear pumping my veins as the covers are pulled to the bottom of my nose.
and goodnight.
sometimes i feel like i'm going mad.
with boyfriend and friend passed out drunk it was early in the morning and i felt a familiar itching creeping into my veins, this vague sense of restlessness that i absolutely hate. i felt like i wanted to tear heads off, shit down the necks, eat people alive. when i went to grab my bike to ride it out, the front tire was painstakingly flat. on top of everything else, this was enough to make me want to run. i want to leave. i want to get out. all this shit pisses me off so much and i don't even know what's bothering me. is it my grandmother dying? is it my boyfriend? is it my stagnant waste of life on this planet?
either way, i wasn't going anywhere. not on my bike, at least.
i settled for the bed with eyes ablaze at the ceiling and clenched fists at my sides. i awoke this morning with the day's hotness dipping over my skin, a dying wind lazily breezing through the open doorway.
what the fuck is wrong with me, posting all this on a board that no one reads anymore. maybe i'm going insane because i don't write anymore. maybe i'm going absolutely crazy because i have no one to write with anymore like i used to.
four hours, six, eight, fucking ten per day glued to a computer writing shit. now what do i do with that time? i'll watch a movie or two, ride my bike, do shit with my boyfriend. that's the problem! that's it right there. i have a boyfriend that i like spending time with. before, when i was with someone else, i didn't want anything to do with him, so i shut him out completely and delved into my own world every single day. i did it happily and without remorse. if only i hated everyone again, then i could write more, and then maybe i wouldn't be crazy like last night. maybe i wouldn't feel like i was spinning out of control, like i needed to run as far away as possible, like i wanted to punch walls and kick windows in.
it's horrible. i can still feel it brewing there... it's all in the tap of my toe, the frenetic tapping of my fingers on this keyboard, the simple grind of my teeth that i don't even notice until i think about it.
yesterday was 4/20 and that's all a crock of shit. i didn't even smoke weed.
what the fuck. i am pissed as fuck. someone stole my bike today, and for some reason it feels like a bit of my sanity has been chipped away. my bike is fun, i ride everywhere, it makes me feel good, it helps me release energy. aside from the fact that bike thieves should be fucking fucked in the ass on sight, i SERIOUSLY don't understand how some asshole can think that taking something that doesn't belong to them is okay... especially when it's a transportation item.
WHAT THE FUCK. FUCK.