Its Time

[friend of the empire]

Deb, Lily, Jeepers, Bri, and whomever else i have offended over the years ive been around, its time. its finally time. time for me to say things exactly as they are. time for me to say that i was wrong, that i handled things backward and childlike. i let my ego and my own stubborn pride interfere with good judgement and respect. for the record it was never my intent to cause any pain. my tongue is perhaps sharper than it should be, and quicker than my brain it seems. ive been at this chat thing for a long time now and at times ive gotten lost in it. my own little escape from reality. a place to hide when depression took over. a place where i tried to take over and be the center of the universe because i really never felt like a part of anything outside of it. my flaw was not knowing it wouldnt last and assuming people would be okay with the things i did. my flaw was believing my own hype and garbage. for a long time i really believed i was better than all the rest, that i deserved more than anyone. i placed my needs, my wants, and my desires above that of everyone else, especially you Deb. i took advantage of your kind nature, your motherly instincts, and your generousity. i ran you into the ground, made you a source of stress relief and a target for my venom. i was wrong. damn wrong. absolute 100% wrong. not wrong for my opinions but wrong for my expression of them. i could have been more of an adult, more of a professional, more of a human being even. there are no particular words i can say or sentences i can post that will undo anything. no way to reverse the damage ive done or the harm ive caused. no way to remove any scars ive left behind. Lily, Jeepers, Bri, i didnt handle things right with any of you either. i was rude, crude, vulgar, immature, selfish, arrogant, foolish, stubborn, prideful, and sometimes even hateful. i honestly meant no harm to any of you either. the roads we walk in life are long and divided by choices, each choice leading us in a seperate and new direction from the others. seems somewhere along the way i took more wrong turns than right ones. believe it or not ive changed over the last month or two, ive grown up alot. ive quit going into PH entirely now, i have a new job, and new ambitions. i just felt that it was time to clear things up. to say what needed to be said and go my own way. i dont expect anything in response, i dont expect any kind of arms wide open forgiveness. i dont expect a single thing.

[~lily~]

Hope that makes you feel better
Good luck in the paths you choose