Joke Thread

[Aunt Bee]

As long as I have been labeled an "unruly peasant" (even though I kissed your ring, Unkie!)...might as well go for the jokes-LOL!
Here's one for the Fla boys! (Hiya Unk and Capn!

BEACH FROLIC

Goldie, a recently widowed lady, was sitting on a Florida beach near Venice,
She looked up and noticed that an elderly gentleman had walked up,
placed his blanket on the sand nearby, and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello, sir," she began. "How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes," he answered, continuing to read.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, he threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers,
whipped off both their swimsuits,
and gave her the most passionate ride of her life.
As the cloud of sand began to settle,
Goldie gasped and asked the man,
"How did you know that is what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[img]tongue.gif[/img]

[Aunt Bee]

Alien Intelligence

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned
petrol station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and
one of the aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace" said the younger
of the two. "Take us to your leader." The gas pump (of
course) didn't respond. The younger alien looked cross, and
the older one spotted this. "I wouldn't push it, if I were you"
suggested the older one.

The younger creature ignored the warning and repeated the
greeting. Again there was no response. Annoyed by what he
perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray
gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling. We come in
peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader
or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade, "You don't want
to do that. You really don't want to make him mad!"
>
"Rubbish" replied the younger alien at his rapidly retreating
comrade. He carefully aimed his weapon at the pump and
fired.
There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared
outwards and towards them and blew the younger alien
off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled
mess 200 yards into the desert.

Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when he finally regained
consciousness, refocused his three eyes and straightened
his bent antenna array, he looked dazedly up at the wiser
one, who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big
green head. "What a ferocious creature," said the young,
fried one. "It damn near killed us! How did you know it
was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto
the crispy, peeling flesh and shared some knowledge.

"If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through
the galaxy," said the healthier one."When a guy has a penis
he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his
own ear, you don't mess with him."

[img]biggrin.gif[/img]

[Pammy]

That turkey got stuffed! [img]wink.gif[/img]

This has been around awhile, but in case someone missed it:

NUTS!

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.

As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts" and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down
Nuts" and they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts" and they all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the doctor yelled, "Boooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling.

Thinking things were going very well, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there
was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?"

The assistant replied, "Well, everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled....."PEANUTS!"

[Aunt Bee]

Ok, ok, one more before I turn in:

Sweet Revenge

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their
marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise
would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her
sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor;
she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was
preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where
she had put the turkey innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious
thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep
and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants
and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a
blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife
could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of
torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband
came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip
as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have
warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always
told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the
grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

[img]wink.gif[/img]

[Aunt Bee]

Christmas with Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.

I think Grandpa still calls her. [img]graemlins/phone.gif[/img]

[Aunt Bee]

Subject: Pass Word

A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to choose and enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So,when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in , "p..e..n..i..s".

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

[img]graemlins/wilted.gif[/img]

[Aunt Bee]

NTSB Report

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged that they had for the past five years covertly funded a project with US auto makers whereby the auto makers installed black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states that the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!" Only the states of West Virginia, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Texas, and Tennessee were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."

[img]confused.gif[/img]

[Aunt Bee]

Old Prospector

Finally after years of panning and digging the old prospector had a poke of gold dust. Realizing that he was never going to really 'strike it rich' he determined to go into the nearest town and 'have him a time'. So, for days he and his trusty mule made their way back to civilization and finally there on the horizon was a town. Sitting on the front steps of the local saloon was the proprietor and when he saw the bedraggled old prospector he knew what the old boy was going to be wanting and figuring that it had been so long since the old fellow had even seen a woman let alone touched one he sent one of his hirelings to the upstairs with an inflatable woman sex doll and put it in the bed. In between beers and shots of whiskey the old man told of his years in the desert and showing his poke of dust announced that he was wantin' a woman right now! The proprietor relieved the old man of his poke and motioned for him to go up the stairs and told him what room to go into. He went and was up there for a good three hours and then he came back down snapping the straps on his bib overalls and told the proprietor he wanted his money back. Showing some surprize the owner asked him what the problem was since he'd been up there enjoying himself for hours already. The old man straightened himself and said that he'd paid for an all nighter and that 'while she was a spunky and game little gal, although a bit on the quiet side, he reckoned he'd gotten a bit too rambunctious cause when he got playful and nipped her on the butt she let a fart and jumped out the window.'
[img]graemlins/kiss.gif[/img]

[Pammy]

Not a joke, just the geriatric version of some popular songs:

Herman's Hermits--"Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

The Rolling Stones--"You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

Paul Simon--"Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"

Carly Simon--"You're So Varicose Vein"

The Bee Gees--"How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

Roberta Flack--"The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Johnny Nash--"I Can't See Clearly Now"

The Temptations--"Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"

Nancy Sinatra--"These Boots Give Me Arthritis"

ABBA--"Denture Queen"

Leo Sayer--"You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

Commodores--"Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"

Procol Harem--"A Whiter Shade of Hair"

The Beatles--"I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"

Steely Dan--"Rikki Don't Lose That Clapper"

Credence Clearwater Revival--"Bad Prune a-Rising"

Marvin Gaye--"I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

The Who--"Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"

[Aunt Bee]

<wince> Pammy [img]eek.gif[/img]