post ya funny jokes

[Ray Ray]

A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson,
he
goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the
range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in
Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and
picks his girlfriend
up
on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first
time.
As
they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have
dinner,
don't
talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is
astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess.
Anyway,
the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to
take
advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet
there
is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word.
He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but
still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he
notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so
he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay!
I'll do the fucking pots!"

[Ray Ray]

Here is a riddle for the intellectually minded. The answer is at the end
for those who cannot think this one through!!

At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth :
One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers, the other is getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman .

They are each thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?

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"dont look down"

[Ray Ray]

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's
house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her
daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law
answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes
me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home
from work any minute."

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the
way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she undressed,
showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally
her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she replied.

"Needs ironing." he said.

[Ray Ray]

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but
> > > > couldn't seem to get her
> > > > > tomatoes to turn red.
> > > > >
> > > > > One day while taking a stroll she came upon a
> > > > gentlemen neighbor who had
> > > > the
> > > > > most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
> > > > >
> > > > > The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do
> > > to
> > > > get your tomatoes red?"
> > > > >
> > > > > The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I
> > > > stand in front of my tomato
> > > > > garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn
> > > red
> > > > from blushing so much."
> > > > >
> > > > > The woman was so impressed, she decided to try
> > > > doing the same thing to her
> > > > > tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice
> > > a
> > > > day for twow eeks she
> > > > > exposed herself to her garden hoping for the
> > > best.
> > > > >
> > > > > One day the gentleman was passing by and asked
> > > the
> > > > woman, "By the way, how
> > > > > did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
> > > > >
> > > > > "No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are
> > > > enormous..."

[Ray Ray]

> > > > > > >A little old lady answered a knock on the
> > > door one day, only to be
> > > > > > > >confronted by a well-dressed young man
> > > carrying a vacuum cleaner.
> > > > > > > >"Good morning," said the young man. "If I
> > > could take a couple
> > > > > > > >minutes of your time, I would like to
> > > demonstrate the very latest
> > > > > > > >in high-powered
> > > > > > vacuum
> > > > > > > >cleaners."
> > > > > > > >"F*** off!" said the old lady. "I haven't
> > > got any money" and she
> > > > > > >proceeded
> > > > > > > >to close the door.
> > > > > > > >Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his
> > > foot in the door and
> > > > > > > >pushed
> > > > > > it
> > > > > > > >wide open.
> > > > > > > >"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until
> > > you have at least seen my
> > > > >
> > > > > > > >demonstration." And with that, he emptied a
> > > bucket of horse shit
> > > > > > > >all
> > > > > > over
> > > > > > > >her hallway carpet.
> > > > > > > >"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all
> > > traces of this horse
> > > > > > > >shit
> > > > > > >from
> > > > > > > >your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat
> > > the remainder." "Well,"
> > > > > > > >she said, "I hope you've got a f***ing good
> > > appetite, because
> > > > > > the
> > > > > > > >electricity was cut off this morning."

[Ray Ray]

A man walks into a pharmacy and says to the druggist, "Say, my wife asked me to get her some tampons. Can you direct me to them?" The pharmacist replied, "Right down aisle six."
A few minutes later, the man returns with a bag of cotton balls and a ball of string. The pharmacist asked, "Didn't you come in here for a box of tampons for your wife?"

The man explained, "Yes I did, but let me explain. A few days ago, I asked my wife to come here to get me a pack of cigarettes. About two hours later, she came back home with a can of loose leaf tobacco and some cigarette papers and said, "roll your own."

[Ray Ray]

First they sue the tobacco companies for giving them lung cancer; Then the fast food places for making them fat; Guess I can sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I have slept with."

[Ray Ray]

One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!"

[macy^]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and say's "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
She replies "according to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him to the table where she has the puzzle spread. He
studies the puzzle pieces for a moment, looks at the box, then turns to her and
says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then....." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back into the box.

[Ray Ray]

LOL ... blondes!