HAVE A LAUGH ON ME :D

[LadyLove]

The following are<u> actual</u> stories provided by a retiring Washington, D.C. travel agent of 30+ years:


I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat on the airplane so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the
window.
==================

I got a call from a Candidate's Staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the
passport information. She interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look
stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."
Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her
response ...(click).
=================

A Senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that
is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and
Florida is a very thin state!!!"
=================

I got a call from a Lawmakers Wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?"
I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."
=================

A Senator wanted to rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed they only had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas.
When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
=================

An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am
and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead
of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones.
Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
=================

A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs
to who?"
I said, "No, why do you ask?"
She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I
think that is very rude!"
After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code
for Fresno,CA is FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on
her luggage.
================

A Senator's Aide called in inquiring about a trip package to Hawaii.
After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to
fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
================

I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How
do I know which plane to get on?"
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have
numbers on them."
================

A Lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?"
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.
She said, "Yeah, whatever!!"
================

A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China
many times and never had to have one of those."
I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
He responded "Why should I have a Visa when they have always accepted my
American Express!"
================

A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York"
The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady.
After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't
find a Rhino anywhere."
The lady retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered,
"You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
"That's it! I knew it was a big animal", she admitted!!!
===========================

Now you know why the government is in the shape it is in.
[img]eek.gif[/img]

[arkon]

Cool, LL! Now have a laugh on ME. Or on Quanta Airlines maintenance crews!

Gripe Sheet

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Quantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P = problem logged by pilot
S = solution and action taken by the engineers


P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield
S: Live bugs on back-order

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
S: Evidence removed

P: DME volume unbelievably loud
S: DME volume set to more believable level

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative
S: IFF always imoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield
S: Suspect you're right

P: Number 3 engine missing
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics

P: Mouse in cockpit
S: Cat installed

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[LadyLove]

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!! Ohhhhhh my lorddddddd! Arkon those are hilarious..... [img]smile.gif[/img] Got any more??? [img]redface.gif[/img]

[LadyLove]

If y?all aren?t familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he s the guy who once said; "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen ... and replaced by exact duplicates. "
His mind sees things differently than we do - to our amazement and amusement Here are some more of his gems: [img]smile.gif[/img]

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory .

If you want the rainbow you gotta put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis. raise MY hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

[SHADOWGIRL]

LOL TOO FUNNY. IM A NEW MEMBER AND I AM JUST LEARNING HOW TO NAVIGATE THIS SITE BUT I JUST WANTE TO SAY THIS WAS TOO FUNNY AND PROBABLY FRIGHTENLY TRUE,,,LOL.

[arkon]

I may have already posted some of these many moons ago, but they're well worth repeating. Quotes from our beloved President Dubya!

"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."

"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?"

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."

"Teach a child to read and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."

"Actually, I...this may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like it. When I'm talking about...when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me."

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

"The future will be better tomorrow."

"I'm hopeful. I know there is a lot of ambition in Washington, obviously. But I hope the ambitious realize that they are more likely to succeed with success as opposed to failure."
"The California crunch really is the result of not enough power-generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants."

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

[wildnthewind]

Originally posted by SHADOWGIRL:
LOL TOO FUNNY. IM A NEW MEMBER AND I AM JUST LEARNING HOW TO NAVIGATE THIS SITE BUT I JUST WANTE TO SAY THIS WAS TOO FUNNY AND PROBABLY FRIGHTENLY TRUE,,,LOL.

<font size="3" face="Tempus Sans ITC, Helvetica, sans-serif">Shadowgirl.. Welcome to the board, happy to have ya here.. Just chime right on in anywhere in here.
[img]biggrin.gif[/img]

[SEXY GRAMMA]

HI SHADOW [img]biggrin.gif[/img]

[LadyLove]

Haha! Arkon, those are good ones [img]smile.gif[/img] Kinda leaves ya feelin' dizzy after readin' some of 'em! [img]graemlins/thinking.gif[/img]

And "HI" & "WELCOME" TO SHADOW! Glad you stopped in - we're always glad to have new folks join in. Make yourself at home and come back often. [img]graemlins/rose.gif[/img]

[arkon]

Just LISTENING to Dubya makes ME dizzy. And nauseous. Oh wait a minnit- you're both Texicans, aren't you? Boy that President Bush, he sure is a wonderful leader isn't he?! [img]confused.gif[/img]