Heard any good ones lately?

[gus danger]

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'
Good morning Pastor, he replied, still focused on the plaque. Pastor, what is this?
The pastor said, Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,


"Which service...the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
:snickerpup:

[gus danger]

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around themiddle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


AND REMEMBER:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'


Thanks for sending me this Doc.
It's nice to know I'm on the right track
even if it's the wrong train!

Gus

[dlaw]

Hear hear my friend!!

[janet schneider]

Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Everyone agrees the work is better after they've had a couple of drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked. (?)
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

[gus danger]

This is a true story. It happened in Eagle Pass, Texas and even though it
sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely true:

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark and stormy
night. The night was cold and wet and no cars went by. The storm was so
strong; he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop.. The guy, without
thinking about it, got in the car, closed the door, and only then realized
that there was nobody behind the wheel!

The car starts going again, very slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees
a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray and begs for his life.
Just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and
turns the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how
the hand appeared each time the car approached a curve.

Gathering his strength, he gets out of the car and runs all the way to the
nearest town. Wet and in shock, he goes into a cantina, asks for two shots
of tequila and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he
just went through. A silence enveloped everyone when they
realized the guy was crying hysterically and wasn't drunk...

About a half hour later, two other guys walk into the same cantina and one
said to the other, "Mira, Pancho. That's the Pendejo that got in the
car while we were pushing".
:snickerpup:

[Secret Six]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a bull with the other. He says to the waiter:"Want coffee."

The waiter says,"Sure, Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the bull with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.

He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another bull with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to The waiter

"Want coffee."


The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says .."Training for position in United States Congress:

Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day..

[gus danger]

:laffingassoff:

[Secret Six]

A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama
is trying to gather more support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers
the cowboy is from President Bush?s home area, he starts to belittle him
by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words. As he was doing
that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"
Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called,
but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well Sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're
called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the
back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. But, a moment
later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No Sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the
citizens of this country to call their President a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.
After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says,
"Hard to fool them flies, though."

[Secret Six]

[SouthwestRanger]

Sorry if you don't want to read Obama jokes, move along...



Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One's full of tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for prisoners.

No one wants to see GM's new convertible, the Pelosi, with its top down!

The liberals have asked us to give Obama time. Would...25 to life be
appropriate?

Obama doesn't want terrorists tortured. He wants to torture American
taxpayers instead.

Q: Why doesn't Obama pray?
A: It's impossible to read the teleprompter with your eyes closed.

Q. What's the difference between Obama and Hitler?
A Hitler wrote his own book.

Q. What's another difference between Obama and Hitler?
A. Hitler got the Olympics to come to his country.