Cousinage only exists to the sixth degree. Past that, you are a whacky-neighbor-on-a-sitcom level of relation to somebody. Everybody is related by six degrees of separation, because by that level of relation, complete strangers with no common DNA are related.
William Jefferson Clinton’s biological father was a sterno-drinking redneck who was busy whoring himself to death and his father of record was a travelling salesman who died in a car accident without ever meeting his mother (she wrote down the name of a man she read in the obituary column). He insists he’s related to British general Sir Henry Clinton through a Tory relative or some crap. He also believes his mother remembers which tatooed redneck she fucked behind the 7-11 is his father.
Colin Powell and Michele Obama are suuposed to be related to Thomas Jefferson via Sally Hemmings, his black mistress / slave. So is every famous black person regardless of parentage or ancestry (Dr. Dre, Beyonce, that-girl-from-that-rap-video-with-the-big-ass, all of ‘em). Why? Because some genealogists are lazy cocksuckers who want to flatter their customers. It is impossible to trace the family trees of the majority of American blacks because unless their ancestors were freed and had enough money to be baptized, married, and buried by a church, there are no records.
Hillary Rodham Clinton insists she is sort-of-Jewish because a man with a German last name (and unknown religious background) married her widowed Great-Great-Grandmother when she was in her sixties and they had no children together. So she thinks a stranger might be Jewish and because a relative had post-menopausal sex with him, she theoreticaly is Jewish by assumption. If being related to somebody via sexual relations they had with a stranger counts, Hillary is therefore related to most of Arkansas through Bill.
The theory tht the presidents are all powerful men who are all related is a bit stupid.
Six presidents are of Scots or Scots-Irish ancestry (James Polk, Millard Fillmore, Chester A. Arthur, William McKinley, Lyndon B. Johnson, and Richard M. Nixon). Nixon is related to a famous Scottish “Steel Bonnet” clan of reavers and bandits, though his family were Quaker farmers.
Four presidents are of Irish ancestry (Andrew Jackson, James Bucanan, John F. Kennedy, and Ronald Reagan).
One president is of “Knickerbocker” Dutch descent – Martin Van Buren.
Fifth cousins Teddy Roosevelt and Franlin Delano Roosevelt boast French Hugenot ancestry and have an Anglicized Dutch name.
One is of German descent – Dwight D. Eisenhower.
More Presidents of the United States were born in Virginia (8) than any other state. Runners up are Ohio (7), Massachusetts (4), New York (4), North Carolina (2), Texas (2), and Vermont (2). George W. Bush is the sole president from Conneticut, not one of the two from Texas (Dwight D. Eisenhower and Lyndon B. Johnson).
The Bushes and John Forbes Kerry are related through cousinage because they are related to people who married members of the Forbes family. So are the Kennedys through the Rockefelers and Shrivers. The Bushes are related to a lot of powerful American families because they are descended from an old Maine Yankee family dating back to Colonial days that married into every rich family that would take them (Forbes, Walkers, etc.). They also have had dealings through six degrees of separation with every rich family on the planet in some manner or other. They have just been around a long time, have large families, and have a lot of investment capital.
We have had several presidents who come from humble beginnings and were self-made (Andrew Jackson, Abraham Lincoln) or political-machine-made men (Chester A. Arthur, Harry S. Truman, Lyndon B. Johnson).
Many served as officers in the militia, National Guard, or regular Army in wartime (Washington, Jackson, Harrison, Tyler, Lincoln, Grant, Hayes, Garfield, McKinley, Teddy Roosevelt, Truman, Eisenhower. Lyndon B. Johnson, Kennedy and Nixon were all Navy veterans of WW2. Jimmy Carter and George W. Bush are the only Cold War veterans to win the office. Carter served aboard one of the first nuclear subs as an officer, but retired from the Navy after his father, his family’s only form of support, died. Bush served in the Air National Guard to avoid the draft and left the Guard after the war ended. William Jefferson Clinton theoretically was an ROTC cadet for a semester (filing a letter of intent after receiving his draft notice), then he transferred to Oxford on a Rhodes scolarship until Nixon’s impeachment following the Vietnam War.
So statistically speaking, we are looking for a secret cabal of Anglo-American men (mostly of Welsh or Cornish descent from the south of England) from the South or Midwest who became lawyers after serving in the military. They identify themselves through their love of close-harmony singing, Morris Dancing, and Scrumpy (hard Apple Cider).
Richard Burton was their secret chief from 1952 until his ritual Masonic execution in Switzerland in 1984. The current leader is Anthony Hopkins, because he ritually ate Burtons’ cirrotic liver and kidneys with Fava beans and a fine Chianti. Ioan Gruffudd is tapped to succeed him upon his death because his name is the most Welsh-sounding (beating out Rhys Ifans by a glottal stop).
Catherine Zeta Jones is to bearGruffudd’s glorious uber-Welsh offspring. Jones, the product of Cardiff University’s secret cloning project – thus her designation as Zeta, was bio-engineered to bear the multiple sets of octuplets needed to raise the secret Welsh Nationalist army. This explains Jones’ massive breasts, as a normal human female couldn’t generate the staggering amount of breastmilk her numerous offspring would require.
The next step is to train the youths in essential subjects like hand-to-hand combat, marksmanship, and Cymraeg tenses and declensions.
Tommy Toomey said this on March 28, 2011 at 5:56 pm