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the Ukraanie
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denisenka's profile photo denisenka
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Yerevan, Armenia
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Denisenka's profile picture
I want to live
If I die, I don't want to regret that I didn't manage to dance with my friends, that I didn't laugh out loud enough, hugged my loved ones, didn't say or write something important.
There is a feeling that since February of the twenty-second I have forbidden myself to live to the fullest. I made everything a little less bright. I twisted all the sliders down. I'm holding back life because death happens.
Every month I win back this brightness, carefully checking: "Is this normal?", timidly looking around. One step forward, two steps back. I posted it and fell silent.
My optics are so distorted that I can't see those who succeed.
Each of my texts seems empty to me. I type and erase it. I leave it in the table. I pretend that death is more important than life.
But this is not the case. Moms are also worried about their children. Teenagers worry about the future. Each of my interlocutors is fighting his own war and everyone chooses life.
I know that there are people who need to hear me. I know those who are waiting for my words. I deprive them of this, for fear of seeming inappropriate. I make myself insignificant where I can exert influence, because there are things and processes going on in the world where I am powerless.
I don't want to do this anymore.
I want to live.
Real people happen to be uncomfortable, inappropriate, funny, sad, angry, kind, meaningful, close, ridiculous, quiet, loud, cowardly and brave. Living people are noticeable and significant.
I want to sound again. Here and not only.
Armenia, 2023
Film, color
Edited · 39 Watts
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