Jokes

[Ski]

just thought this was a little funny

Are they male or female?

SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and is often over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it . . . and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up -- because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed -- because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL -- Definitely female, because it gives men pleasure; he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

[Ski]

Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "Star Wars (A New Hope)"

1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
3. "Look at the size of that thing!"
4. "Sorry about the mess..."
5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
6. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
7. "You've got something jammed in here real good."
8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed!"
9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
10. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care *what* you smell!"

Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "The Empire Strikes Back"

1. "And I thought they smelled bad...on the *outside*!"
2. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
3. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?"
4. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."
5. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
6. "But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cummm..."
7. "Control, control! You must learn control!"
8. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
9. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
10. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me!"

Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "Return of the Jedi"

1. "Rise, my friend."
2. "Open the back door!"
3. "Hey, point that thing somewhere else!"
4. "It's just a dead animal..."
5. "Not bad for a little furball."
6. "How can they be jamming us if they don't know we're coming?"
7. "Come here, I won't hurt you. You want something to eat?"
8. "Keep on that one, I'll take these two"
9. "I want you to take her. I mean it, take her!"
10. "I don't think the Empire had wookies in mind when they designed her, Chewie."

[Ski]

Drafted for the Army

Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a Tennessee mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head.
On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth.
On his third day, he was issued a jock strap. . .
The Army is still looking for him.


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[Miral]

See that? I'm laughing so hard I'm crying! hehehe [img]graemlins/dog.gif[/img]

[RichC]

For the Star Wars list, I'd like to add

11) "Did it go in?" "Negative. Just impacted on the surface."

[Ski]

ROTFL!!!! Good one Rich [img]biggrin.gif[/img]

[Ski]

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.
With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Miller Lite (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.
Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

[Branflakes]

ROFL. Good one, Ski.

[Ski]

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.
?Mommy,? the little girl asks, ?how old are you??
?Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,? the mother warns. It is not polite.?
?OK,? the little girl says, ?How much do you weigh??
?Now really,? the mother says, ?these are personal questions and are really none of your business.?
Undaunted, the little girl asks, ?Why did you and daddy get a divorce??
?Those are enough questions, honestly!? The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
?My Mom wouldn?t tell me anything,? the little girl says to her friend.
?Well,? said the friend, ?all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It?s like a report card; it has everything on it.?
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, ?I know how old you are, you are 32.?
The mother is surprised and asks, ?How did you find that out??
?I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.?
The mother is past surprise and shock now. ?How in heavens name did you find that out??
And,? the little girl says triumphantly, ?I know why you and daddy got a divorce.?
?Oh really?? the mother asks. ?Why??
?Because you got an F in sex.?

[Jelymo]

[img]eek.gif[/img]

so what does it mean if you get an 'M' in sex, then? or does that stand for Mast--

*cough*

[img]graemlins/angel.gif[/img]

I think I'll go now.

[img]wink.gif[/img]