ramblings

[Jadian]

I may delete this as irrelevant or silly in the morning. At the moment I'm floating on a bottle of wine and a lack of sleep, here at my friend's house, nearing one am.

I was just contemplatng the age-old I Am Drunk theme, whch is this: why don't we tell people what they actually mean to us until it's too late? I mean, why does it take a bottle of wine or four shots of vodka or six beers until we say "Hey, you're the only person who's ever pulled me out of shit I deserved and I respect you more than anyone else and if you ever need me, ever, just call"?

I was sitting next to my best friend tonight and we were playing our regular truth game and I'm about to go away, which means nothing to you guys here since I'll still have internet but it means everything to her because I can't split a latte online. We were sitting out on her balcony avoiding her boyfriend who was being pretty good and doing dishes and going to bed early so we could talk (although he left the window open and could hear a lot and in my opinion he should have left the house entirely and gone to a friend's). I was trying to capture all of my mixed feelings about going away - my paranoia that I'll be so lonely I won't participate in the things around me, my fear of running into trouble and having no one to hear me, my anxiety of being the worst in class and letting my family down - and also give justice to the fact that I'll be missing her and all my feelings choked me and I couldn't say anything at all. Just "I guess I'm nervous."

How about "I'm terrified of coming back and being such a different person that we no longer have anything in common"? How about "I'm terrified of losing you"?

I had a panic attack today. First time I've ever realised what it is. I was at a great restaurant for brunch, we had to wait in a lineup and everything. I ordered french toast and tried to ignore The Boyfriend, who was sulky 'cause I'm staying over and her attention is diverted from him. And then I couldn't breathe. Suddenly. I looked around and no one else seemed to notice that all the air had been sucked out of the room. My pulse skyrocketed and I could feel my heart careening against my chest. I grabbed my wrist and started counting, and I felt myself break out in a cold sweat. I fled to the washroom, where I locked the door and paced and checked my pupils in the mirror and mentally tabbed everything I've eaten in the past two days. Nothing. I went back to the table and gulped down my water and ignored the food, which had just arrived. I paid eight bucks for a breakfast I didn't eat. I was nervous, like I had a job interview. I wanted to punch some one and cry and run away, all at once. I was panicking.

It passed, slowly. And now I'm making myself stay up, afraid it will happen again. Aware that the fear only ups my chances. And I know that ultimatly I'm anxious about my move, my new school, being away from Ein and my best friend and my family. I'm scared. And it's starting to manifest in my health.

[Lulu]

Poor Jadian-

It's sad and frightening to leave the things and people you love. But you can't avoid it. Even if you don't leave, they will. I try to appreciate everything I have in the moment I have it- and then be prepared to let it go. It's not so bad, because it means that even if there's loss, there's also always possibility. And some good things will eventually come right back.

At the risk of sounding cliche- you have to move headlong into change. It's what life's about.

[Crystal princess]

Sorry to hear about the panic attack and your worries about moving away.
It's scary moving to a new place, but you can still keep in touch with your friends and family. And they'll always be dying to see you when you visit or go back there.
I'm sure you'll make some new friends really quickly, and you're old friends will still be there for you.
I wish you all the best for your move, I'm sure there's lots of stuff you're looking forward to as well.

[erisesoteric]

I can't think of a thing to say that doesn't sound either cold or cliche...

So I'll just wish you well, and hope that you know that I have utter and complete faith in you.

[Branflakes]

Ditto to what everyone else said.

*hugs*

[AsIs]

Even tho a morning has come and passed...

*hugs*

Hang in there, Jadian.

[tyledras]

*hugs*

write it all down, everything you want to tell your friend, write it in a letter. and after you've written it, if it feels right, give it to her. it might mean a lot to her.

And JAdian, I have all confidence in you that you will do just fine. It might not go as you planned, but it'll turn out well, i'm sure of that.

[JaceSan]

I don't know if it's me, but there are a couple of good friends in my life that I've lost touch with for months at a time, maybe even a year. Whether it was intentional or just happened, the funny thing is that it doesn't really affect the friendship. In fact we catch up and don't let the absences deteriorate any relationship we have. There's a reason we became friends in the first place, right? People change, but usually not so drastically that you'll stop being friends.

[Jadian]

Thanks for the hugs and support and stuff. I'm better in the morning (it's always better in the morning, isn't it?) and I'll leave it up, because it's an accurate reflection of what I think and feel when I'm down.

I know I can handle moving and all that, I'm just trying to brace for the lonliness and the pressure.

[jones]

Been there. Wait... am there. Yeah, that's it.

You might wake up in the middle of the night, or you might stay up until you fall asleep from exhaustion. You feel nothing but anxiety about the future and longing for the past, and you wonder exactly how the hell you got yourself in this situation now where everything's changing. You wonder how you chose it, how the place you're about to go now, which is so unnervingly different, ever seemed more attractive than the warm, comfortable place you are now. You imagine scenarios in which something happens that keeps you from going, and you can stay where you are and be happy, but you realize that those ideas are hopeless lies and you don't really want them to happen anyway. You know you have to go. But you feel set apart because the fact that you are about to go seems to be written on your back, but you can't quite turn your head around far enough to see it. But you think everyone else can because they speak to you or look at you just a little differently. It's something you can't quite put your finger on, but sometimes, you feel like your body has already left, and you're a ghost hanging around waiting to catch up with it. And then suddenly, you wake up (literally or figuratively), and everything seems jarringly bright and happy and fun. Your hands do not pass through solid objects, your friends seem just as they always were, and you feel like everything will be alright. And you know that other people get through stuff like this all the time, so you feel a little silly for being such a basket case, especially in this moment that you feel so confident and happy -- until you buy a cup of coffee at your favorite place, or read a comic in your favorite chair, or have a pleasant conversation with someone, and it makes you realize that this might be the last time you have this exact, comforting experience because you're about to go somewhere the coffee house has tile instead of hardwood, and the chairs aren't as comfortable, and the faces are all different. And the whole thing starts all over again.

Nothing will help -- nothing. You'll have this cycle over and over again until you actually go, and when that happens, it will probably get even worse. Your only comfort is your logical mind screaming, "It's impossible for all these terrifying things you're imagining to actually happen! A few months from now, you'll be happy and having lots of fun, but you'll still keep in touch with home and always have a place there!" Of course, you know all that is true. But you only know it in the same way that you know in the middle of the night when you hear a strange noise in the hall that there's no way anybody could've broken in without you hearing them.

But if it helps any, I'm sure you'll be fine. In your worst moments, you won't know how that can be, but it's still true. Just make sure that when you get to where you're going, you have to do something to make it yours. Eat the same breakfast and take your coffee the same way you take it now, but let yourself enjoy the tile instead of hardwood. And find people there to talk to. It will be very tempting to call and e-mail people at home and post here on the board, and you should definitely do that. But you should also find some new people there and hang out with them, even if it's a school-sponsored support group or something. In fact, if you're really having a rough time, you should definitely do the support group thing because the group dynamic usually keeps the jerk/predator factor in check. As a fellow talk-junkie, I can tell you there's nothing more liberating for people like you and me than to babble about yourself to a group of strangers that you don't even have to see again if you don't want to. As a future lawyer, you're going to have to learn to do that anyway.

Am I up too late?

take care

---jones()

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ August 23, 2003 01:32 AM: Message edited by: jones ]</font>