....written

[Neophobic Man]

I need to read it more closely, but it's good...would that I had more courage to post some of my writings, but I don't seem to have it at the moment...

[RichC]

Excellent story, and I plan to pass it around to a couple of friends. My only problem was the begining. I found it hard to follow without knowing who the main characters were yet. But I loved it!

[dwim]

I read it again for the third time. The ending bothers me, why couldn't Ruth face up to her fears and stand up? If she had to die, let her do it while facing her fears head on rather than running from it. I like Ruth, but it shamed to be on her side and in the end, she's off somewhere with tails between her legs. Give Ruth a chance, Jadian, I believe she's so much better than that. You're a good writer, but having her die the way she did is just a copout...
There's my critique, take it as you will. I hope you rewrite this and let us know more about the background characters as well, most of them seem so one dimensional, like they're out for only one thing and reason be damned. Keep in mind of this when you're writing, an action gets a reaction gets an action. There's a reason that Morgan raped her, besides being a stupid motherfucking idiot that he was. Put in a conversation somewhere, like Ruth overhearing him that he has to masturbate twenty times a day with his friends, or something of that sort.
Also, I bet, if you pay attention to this story, explore the background of the background characters, without straying from the story of course, this could end up a novel. Especially the bookstore owner, I'm curious as to how his opinion of Ruth changed after she worked for him for a while. It doesn't have to be a big one, but a really good novel.
But the main thing is, if you rewrite it, don't have Ruth dying while she's running from what she fears and the woman she loves, Ruth is better than that.
There's my suggestions, do what you will.
Thanks for sharing this with me.

And, if you wanna get me back, I've posted a poem over on Scenario Lounge, feel free to rip that up for me.

[Jadian]

Hey dwim, thanks for the feedback.

I never thought of Ruth running from anything, just getting out a situation where she knew she wasn't welcome. The Ruth at the end of the story is tired of trying to please people, and Morgan obviously has a problem with "dykes", so she leaves. She doesn't actually remember where she's seen him before until the left turn, so she isn't really running away from fear or anything.

I know the death is kind of cliched... I'm considering altering it. Ruth not dying means I have a novel and not a short story on my hands - but it's important that Ruth leave Eden. Otherwise Eden can't grow, can't adjust and figure herself out. Thanks a lot for your honest critique; I've taken a lot of it to heart and will mull it over with the other feedback. Especially the background of the background suggestion.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to read this... [img]smile.gif[/img]