Suggestions

[Matt Green]

I'm new here, but was wondering if anybody could take a look at a half completed script? [img]graemlins/thumbs_up.gif[/img]

[ac_01]

Just post a few pages on here and see what kind of response you get.

[Tom Servo]

Hi matt.

[Matt Green]

Ok, here's the first 10, oh and hi Tom

Pandora?s Box

Screenplay by Matthew Green

Int. Doughnut shop 1

The camera tilts down from a giant, neon doughnut sign, then panning past a pair of police squadron cars, at foot level. We see a policeman get out of his car and we follow his feet in to the doughnut shop. We then pull up to see a pair of policemen sat in a booth, drinking coffee and eating a doughnut. There is a slight murmur but that?s it. Suddenly the police radio crackles into life. Credits over the top.

Radio

Attention all free officers, break-in at 132 des Erabels street, university of science. Could all free officers attend?

Police officers jump up and begin to run over towards their cars, one spills coffee over themselves. Cut to street with cars stopped at traffic lights. Sirens can be heard and suddenly three police cars speed around the corner and head towards the camera. Cut to a sign of the street name, being illuminated by blue and red lights.

Int. University of science 2

Inside we see three people covered by darkness. They pick up an object that is thrown to a person who stuffs it into a bag. The three split up.

Bag carrier

See you soon.

Thief one

Sooner than you would believe.

The two thieves grab a few expensive looking objects and run down the stairs and out of the front door, where they are confronted by three police cars and a few spotlights. The two thieves are soon joined by their third companion.

Police officer 1

Caught this one sneaking around the back.

Police officer 2

Search them and then take them to the station.

Police officer 1

Just this and the gear the other two had.

Police officer 3

Jeez, a box and some science stuff and I burn myself with coffee, dude it looks like I wet myself.

Zoom into key hole of the box to open title sequence.

Ext. Museum of Science 3

We are back outside the museum, but there is yellow and black tape everywhere. There are hundreds of reporters everywhere, and at least a dozen vans, with channel names written on the side. Slowly pan to a reporter, who is attractive and smartly dressed, talking to a cameraman, who is burly and sloppily dressed. Cut to camera?s POV.

Reporter (Alice Knowles)

Last night the museum behind me was broken into by a set of thieves. This may seem like your average theft case, but one factor makes the case very interesting. Along with a set of computers a special item was stolen. It was a box lent to the University by the Greek government. This is not the first time, as in Greece the box has been stolen numerous times, although the authorities have always got the box back. Why this box, I don?t know but this reporter, wants to know. This is Alice Knowles signing out.

Zoom out?

Int. Bedroom 1 4

Of the TV which is playing the news. The room is messy, with clothes strewn over the place. Light shines in through the gaps in the blinds. An alarm clock rings and a hand goes to grope at it. The person gets up and walks towards the door into the bathroom. He is wearing just a shirt, but is obviously Police officer 3. He walks out of the bathroom clean shaven and goes to switch off the T.V. Suddenly the phone rings.

Police officer 3

Hello.

Phone (V.O.)

Jack I can?t keep covering you, hurry up and get your *** into work, you?re already late.

Jack

Jesus is it that late already, give me ten and I?ll be there.

Jack hangs up the phone and looks longingly into a photo frame of him and a woman. He slams it so it is face down, but also knocks down a mirror which smashes.

Jack

Oh great that?s all I need
Jack picks up a pair of trousers, but there is a stain around the groin, Jack sighs.

Int. Police Station 5

The police station has tables around the room, with scattered papers on top and cups of coffee. There are charts and posters on a giant billboard at the back of the room. Three police officers are gathered around a water machine, which has a half-empty box of doughnuts on top. The three police officers disperse and Jack saunters over. His tie is half done up and his shirt is half tucked in. His hair is scruffy and he hasn?t shaven. He pours himself a cup of water and looks in the box, he is visibly annoyed.

Jack

OK, who ate the last sugar coated doughnut.

Pan around the room, showing people trying to look busy.

Jack (cont.)

Well I know it was one of you lot.

Cut to a large man in informal, but smart dress. He has a badge propped over his pocket. His name is Charles.

Charles

Jack, get you?re sorry *** in here.

Jack sighs, grabs cup water and picks up a doughnut, walking towards the office.

Int. Board room 6

The room is well lit by the lighting above; the window at the back is covered by a black blind. On the table are a set of papers and a mug of steaming coffee.

Jack

OK Charles I know I was late today, but there is a good reason,

Charles

No Jack that?s not why you?re in here. First of all I want you to know that you did well last night, those three thieves were from Greece ad look like they will be in jail for a long time. There is just one thing the force and the museum are curious about.

Jack

Yeah?

Charles

We know that people don?t steal boxes for no reason and the museum know that the box is dipped in mythology, but how deeply we don?t know.

Jack

Mythology? Isn?t that all old **** that is made up by people from the dark ages.

Charles

Jack, everything starts somewhere, even mythology, we suspect these people know something about it. We want you to find out what when you examine it, you never know. Either that or they are just petty crooks.

Jack

This is a joke yeah. You don?t honestly expect me to investigate this **** and bull story.

Charles

Jack this order was sent down from higher authorities, don?t question it, just do it. Personally I don?t believe in luck, fate ghosts and all the other spiritual bullcrap, but there you go.

Jack

OK, I guess so, I?ll see you later sir.

Charles

Oh, one more thing?

Jack

Yeah


Charles

Take Marie as you?re partner and don?t be late again.

Jack exits the room and a man steps out from behind the shadows.

Charles

I hope you know what you?re sending my man into.

Stranger

Sir, this is just the beginning, you may want to start believing in ?spiritual bullcrap?. You have already told you?re man too much?

Int. Police Station 7

It is the same room as before, although there are less people around. We start by seeing Jack?s feet treading along the clean carpet. We tilt up to watch Jack sit at a desk. He goes to pick up a phone. We hear the voice from the phone.

Phone voice (V.O.)

What?s up, I did my best to cover for you.

We slowly pan to see the woman from the photo. Jack sighs.

Jack

No, he didn?t want me for that; he?s assigned me and you to a case. It?s related to the museum bust last night. Look I?ll tell you about it on the way down to the interview room.

Marie

You seem agitated, what?s wrong.

Jack

I feel like I haven?t been told something.

Jack stands up and grabs his jacket. He opens the drawer and pulls out his handgun.

Marie

What?s that for?

Jack

I don?t know but I have a bad feeling about today?

Snap cut to?

Int. Investigation room 8

The room is a bland whitish yellow colour, almost cr?me, but not quite. There is a table in the centre, with four people sat around it. Beside them is a tape player. The four people in the room are Jack, Marie, a criminal and his solicitor. The audience don?t know it but the criminal is called Alexander. Marie reaches over and starts the tape.

Jack

The time is 12:32pm on the 26th of June and the officers present are Inspector Jack Haas and Inspector Marie Petri. We are interviewing suspect number 362, who will not reveal his identity.

Marie

OK, before we start we want to know your name, without that we can not bail you.

Solicitor Gates

Remember Sir, you don?t have to tell them anything.

Alexander

Yes, Yes I know my rights. My name is Alexander Soterios Xenos. I am of Greek nationality, any more information that I would give you would be thrown back at me and have me put into one of your institutes.

Jack

Thank you. I have been told to keep an open mind whilst interviewing you. I do not believe that your activities inside the museum yesterday where so that you could steal a few computers. You also picked up the dullest box in the museum, any thief would have chosen a jewel encrusted box, but you chose this one, why?

Towards the end of the speech Jack pulls out a small metallic box, which looks very old, but is considerably bland. The only details being a large 7 on the top.

Alexander

I can not tell you anything about this box that I know; by the morning you would most certainly be dead. I will give you one piece of advice, do not open the box.

Marie

We suspect that you know more about this box than both us and the museum. Both the museum and the authorities want to know what you have to tell us.

Alexander sits silently.

Solicitor Gates

I believe my client has told you enough for your investigation already. Clearly my client knows nothing that he hasn?t told you.

Jack

This interview ends at 12:38pm.

Marie leans over and stops the tape.

We slowly zoom out from the four sitting in the room. The screen turns to a green colour.

Fade into

Int. Control room 9

Continue zooming out to show a desk with a TV showing the four at the table. Pan around to the two men watching the TV. The room is dark and everything is shadows. The two men are Charles and the stranger.

Charles

I don?t like this.

Stranger

You know your orders. This man knows far more than he lets on. Keep your man investigating?

The stranger ejects a video tape from the machine and walks out of the room.

Int. Bedroom 1 10

We are looking at the ceiling from Jacks POV. The camera slowly pans down, whilst moving up to see Jack. He is laid in his bedroom. He is clearly thinking. He looks puzzled.

Charles (V.O.)

The box is dipped in mythology

Marie (V.O.)

We suspect you know more about this box

Charles (V.O.)

Everything starts somewhere, even Mythology

Marie (V.O.)

What?s that for

Charles (V.O.)

Sent down from higher authorities

Alexander (V.O.)

Do not open the box

Jack

Open the box!

Suddenly the phone rings. Snap cut to the phone, but we can still see Jack. Jack reaches for it, but misses and falls out of his bed.

Jack

Hello

Marie (V.O.)

Get your *** down to the station, we?ve got a lead. I?ll tell you everything down here.

Int. Police Station 11

We are at the police station. Jack walks in and to his desk, where Marie is already sat. She spins the chair round to greet him.

Marie

Here?s the tape, ready to watch it?

Int. Control room 2 12

The room is as dark as the previous one, but there are more screens and TV?s. Marie pops a video into a video player.

Smash cut to?

Int. Interview room 13

A video starts playing. It is obviously being watched on a screen.

[emjen]

cut all the camera directions. Read some scripts and see how the formatting should be done.

[GREATwarEAGLE]

Towards the very end of the script... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size=2 face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><table border="0" width="90%" bgcolor="#333333" cellspacing="1" cellpadding="0"><tr><td width="100%"><table border="0" width="100%" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="2" bgcolor="#FF9900"><tr><td width="100%" bgcolor="#DDDDDD"><font size=2 face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Jack

Hello

Marie (V.O.)

Get your *** down to the station, we?ve got a lead. I?ll tell you everything down here.

Int. Police Station 11

We are at the police station. Jack walks in and to his desk, where Marie is already sat. She spins the chair round to greet him.

Marie

Here?s the tape, ready to watch it?

Int. Control room 2 12

The room is as dark as the previous one, but there are more screens and TV?s. Marie pops a video into a video player. </font></td></tr></table></td></tr></table></BLOCKQUOTE>

This is redundant. We already know the action is taking place in the Police station. It's in the slug line.
Unfortunately, you don't need this brief little scene anyway.

You can eliminate him entering, meeting her, and her saying here's the tape. You can simply cut from right after her telling him on the phone "We got a lead."( that's all she needs to say) and cut straight to Police Station Control Room where both of them are watching the tape. I would actually cut directly to the video screen of whatever they're watching. It's effective because you're cutting from her saying the word "lead" to the video footage. The reader/audience will automatically put 2 and 2 together and realize the video is the lead.

It's economic. It saves you and the reader/audience time. It also gives the reader/audience credit to fill in the blanks.

It s*cks to post a script and get back negative comments that are about the technical aspects when what you want to hear is our thoughts on the story, characters, dialogue, etc.. The technical flaws are getting in the way.
Iron them out. Then we can get down to business.

Hopefully, you take none of anyone's negative comments personally.

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ April 16, 2003 01:23 PM: Message edited by: GREATwarEAGLE ]</font>

[Yammeryammeryammer]

He's right. They usually don't have many camera directions. Go to:

www.simplyscripts.com

However, I am a firm believer in simply putting whatever the **** you want into a script, including camera direction. So unless your trying to sell it or something put whatever you think suits the film in.

[Matt Green]

No, without criticism it would not progress thank you very much, I'll sort out the problems soon and re-post the script and next 5 pages.

[Matt Green]

Pandora?s Box

Screenplay by Matthew Green

Int. Doughnut shop 1

A giant, neon doughnut sign, go past a pair of police squadron cars, at foot level. We see a policeman get out of his car and we follow his feet in to the doughnut shop. We then pull up to see a pair of policemen sat in a booth, drinking coffee and eating a doughnut. There is a slight murmur but that?s it. Suddenly the police radio crackles into life. Credits over the top.

Radio

Attention all free officers, break-in at 132 des Erabels street, university of science. Could all free officers attend?

Police officers jump up and begin to run over towards their cars, one spills coffee over themselves. Cut to street with cars stopped at traffic lights. Sirens can be heard and suddenly three police cars speed around the corner and head towards the camera. Cut to a sign of the street name, being illuminated by blue and red lights.

Int. University of science 2

Inside we see three people covered by darkness. They pick up an object that is thrown to a person who stuffs it into a bag. The three split up.

Bag carrier

See you soon.

Thief one

Sooner than you would believe.

The two thieves grab a few expensive looking objects and run down the stairs and out of the front door, where they are confronted by three police cars and a few spotlights. The two thieves are soon joined by their third companion.

Police officer 1

Caught this one sneaking around the back.

Police officer 2

Search them and then take them to the station.

Police officer 1

Just this and the gear the other two had.

Police officer 3

Jeez, a box and some science stuff and I burn myself with coffee, dude it looks like I wet myself.

Title sequence.

Ext. Museum of Science 3

We are back outside the museum, but there is yellow and black tape everywhere. There are hundreds of reporters everywhere, and at least a dozen vans, with channel names written on the side. Slowly pan to a reporter, who is attractive and smartly dressed, talking to a cameraman, who is burly and sloppily dressed. Cut to camera?s POV.

Reporter (Alice Knowles)

Last night the museum behind me was broken into by a set of thieves. This may seem like your average theft case, but one factor makes the case very interesting. Along with a set of computers a special item was stolen. It was a box lent to the University by the Greek government. This is not the first time, as in Greece the box has been stolen numerous times, although the authorities have always got the box back. Why this box, I don?t know but this reporter, wants to know. This is Alice Knowles signing out.

Int. Bedroom 1 4

Of the TV which is playing the news. The room is messy, with clothes strewn over the place. Light shines in through the gaps in the blinds. An alarm clock rings and a hand goes to grope at it. The person gets up and walks towards the door into the bathroom. He is wearing just a shirt, but is obviously Police officer 3. He walks out of the bathroom clean shaven and goes to switch off the T.V. Suddenly the phone rings.

Police officer 3

Hello.

Phone (V.O.)

Jack I can?t keep covering you, hurry up and get your *** into work, you?re already late.

Jack

Jesus is it that late already, give me ten and I?ll be there.

Jack hangs up the phone and looks longingly into a photo frame of him and a woman. He slams it so it is face down, but also knocks down a mirror which smashes.

Jack

Oh great that?s all I need
Jack picks up a pair of trousers, but there is a stain around the groin, Jack sighs.

Int. Police Station 5

The police station has tables around the room, with scattered papers on top and cups of coffee. There are charts and posters on a giant billboard at the back of the room. Three police officers are gathered around a water machine, which has a half-empty box of doughnuts on top. The three police officers disperse and Jack saunters over. His tie is half done up and his shirt is half tucked in. His hair is scruffy and he hasn?t shaven. He pours himself a cup of water and looks in the box, he is visibly annoyed.

Jack

OK, who ate the last sugar coated doughnut.

Show people trying to look busy.

Jack (cont.)

Well I know it was one of you lot.

Cut to a large man in informal, but smart dress. He has a badge propped over his pocket. His name is Charles.

Charles

Jack, get you?re sorry *** in here.

Jack sighs, grabs cup water and picks up a doughnut, walking towards the office.

Int. Board room 6

The room is well lit by the lighting above; the window at the back is covered by a black blind. On the table are a set of papers and a mug of steaming coffee.

Jack

OK Charles I know I was late today, but there is a good reason,

Charles

No Jack that?s not why you?re in here. First of all I want you to know that you did well last night, those three thieves were from Greece ad look like they will be in jail for a long time. There is just one thing the force and the museum are curious about.

Jack

Yeah?

Charles

We know that people don?t steal boxes for no reason and the museum know that the box is dipped in mythology, but how deeply we don?t know.

Jack

Mythology? Isn?t that all old **** that is made up by people from the dark ages.

Charles

Jack, everything starts somewhere, even mythology, we suspect these people know something about it. We want you to find out what when you examine it, you never know. Either that or they are just petty crooks.

Jack

This is a joke yeah. You don?t honestly expect me to investigate this **** and bull story.

Charles

Jack this order was sent down from higher authorities, don?t question it, just do it. Personally I don?t believe in luck, fate ghosts and all the other spiritual bullcrap, but there you go.

Jack

OK, I guess so, I?ll see you later sir.

Charles

Oh, one more thing?

Jack

Yeah


Charles

Take Marie as you?re partner and don?t be late again.

Jack exits the room and a man steps out from behind the shadows.

Charles

I hope you know what you?re sending my man into.

Stranger

Sir, this is just the beginning, you may want to start believing in ?spiritual bullcrap?. You have already told you?re man too much?

Int. Police Station 7

It is the same room as before, although there are less people around. We start by seeing Jack?s feet treading along the clean carpet. We tilt up to watch Jack sit at a desk. He goes to pick up a phone. We hear the voice from the phone.

Phone voice (V.O.)

What?s up, I did my best to cover for you.

We see the woman from the photo. Jack sighs.

Jack

No, he didn?t want me for that; he?s assigned me and you to a case. It?s related to the museum bust last night. Look I?ll tell you about it on the way down to the interview room.

Marie

You seem agitated, what?s wrong.

Jack

I feel like I haven?t been told something.

Jack stands up and grabs his jacket. He opens the drawer and pulls out his handgun.

Marie

What?s that for?

Jack

I don?t know but I have a bad feeling about today?

Snap cut to?

Int. Investigation room 8

The room is a bland whitish yellow colour, almost cr?me, but not quite. There is a table in the centre, with four people sat around it. Beside them is a tape player. The four people in the room are Jack, Marie, a criminal and his solicitor. The audience don?t know it but the criminal is called Alexander. Marie reaches over and starts the tape.

Jack

The time is 12:32pm on the 26th of June and the officers present are Inspector Jack Haas and Inspector Marie Petri. We are interviewing suspect number 362, who will not reveal his identity.

Marie

OK, before we start we want to know your name, without that we can not bail you.

Solicitor Gates

Remember Sir, you don?t have to tell them anything.

Alexander

Yes, Yes I know my rights. My name is Alexander Soterios Xenos. I am of Greek nationality, any more information that I would give you would be thrown back at me and have me put into one of your institutes.

Jack

Thank you. I have been told to keep an open mind whilst interviewing you. I do not believe that your activities inside the museum yesterday where so that you could steal a few computers. You also picked up the dullest box in the museum, any thief would have chosen a jewel encrusted box, but you chose this one, why?

Towards the end of the speech Jack pulls out a small metallic box, which looks very old, but is considerably bland. The only details being a large 7 on the top.

Alexander

I can not tell you anything about this box that I know; by the morning you would most certainly be dead. I will give you one piece of advice, do not open the box.

Marie

We suspect that you know more about this box than both us and the museum. Both the museum and the authorities want to know what you have to tell us.

Alexander sits silently.

Solicitor Gates

I believe my client has told you enough for your investigation already. Clearly my client knows nothing that he hasn?t told you.

Jack

This interview ends at 12:38pm.

Marie leans over and stops the tape.

The screen turns to a green colour.

Fade into

Int. Control room 9

Show a desk with a TV showing the four at the table. Two men are watching the TV. The room is dark and everything is shadows. The two men are Charles and the stranger.

Charles

I don?t like this.

Stranger

You know your orders. This man knows far more than he lets on. Keep your man investigating?

The stranger ejects a video tape from the machine and walks out of the room.

Int. Bedroom 1 10

We are looking at the ceiling from Jacks POV. We see Jack, he is laid in his bedroom. He is clearly thinking. He looks puzzled.

Charles (V.O.)

The box is dipped in mythology

Marie (V.O.)

We suspect you know more about this box

Charles (V.O.)

Everything starts somewhere, even Mythology

Marie (V.O.)

What?s that for

Charles (V.O.)

Sent down from higher authorities

Alexander (V.O.)

Do not open the box

Jack

Open the box!

Suddenly the phone rings. Snap cut to the phone, but we can still see Jack. Jack reaches for it, but misses and falls out of his bed.

Marie (V.O.)

Get your *** down to the station, we?ve got a lead.

Int. Interview room 11

A video starts playing. It is obviously being watched on a screen. There are two policemen interviewing a different criminal, but the solicitor is still Solicitor Gates. There is no sound.

Int. Control room 2 12

Jack

Turn it up.

Marie

Sorry

We see a knob and a female hand turns it. The sound from the video rises in sink with the turning.

Int. Interview room 13

The video is further ahead. The criminal starts getting irate.

Criminal 2

No whatever you do don?t open the box, inside?

The criminal stops talking, realising he has said too much. He suddenly leaps across the table and punches the first police officer. The second one tries to restrain him. Four policemen rush in. Throughout it he shouts?

Criminal 2

You know too much?
You know too much?
You know too much?

Int. Control room 2 14

Marie

Well?

Jack

We threaten to open the box, for more information. After that we open the box. Tomorrow.

Int. Bedroom 2 15

The room is dark, but we can see everything. We are looking out of a window. Shadow darts past. See an open door, with light streaming out. A person walks out of the room. It is the police officer from the interview room. He walks towards the bed, where a woman is laid.

Police Officer

Jesus today was long, bloody nut attacked me!

Woman

Don?t worry Hun; I?m sure I?ll make you feel better?

The woman talks in a suggestive manner.

Police officer

Really? Oh hang on.

The man walks out. Shot of a clock showing the time, 11:23

Int. House hall 16

We see the man turn a corner and a gun lower at his head.

Gun Man

Sorry?

We see the mans finger squeeze the trigger and the sound of a silenced gun go off. The police officer slumps to the floor.

Int. Bedroom 2 17

Shot of the clock, 11:33

Woman

John, Darling, what?s up. Do you need help?

The woman gets up. She is dressed in a shirt that?s a bit large, it hugs her figure. She stumbles over to the door.

Int. House Hall 18

The woman walks around the corner and sees the stain on the wall. She touches it and realises it is blood. Her face screws up in distaste. She stumbles forward and trips over something. She looks down and sees Police Officer, his eyes wide open, but having rolled down so we only see the white in his eyes.

Snap cut to?

Ext. Street 1 19

Show the house with a lot of police activity. There is a woman sat inside a police car, holding a steaming mug of coffee. There are lots of news vans around the road, but are all behind barricades. Through a hoard of reporters drives a car. Charles gets out, shortly followed by Jack and Marie.

Int. House Hall 20

We are in the hall where Police Officer was killed, but this time it is light. There is a red stain that has dried on the wall, but has visibly dripped. Charles, Jack and Marie squeeze into the hall. Jack wanders over looks into a body bag. His face screws up in disgust and he closes the body bag.

Jack

Any suspects?

Charles

Nobody

We see Marie walk behind the two, it seems trivial.

Jack

You think it?s connected, don?t you?

Charles

If I didn?t you would be sat behind a computer or in an interview room, Marie showed you the tape didn?t she?

Jack

Yep.

Pan round with Charles and Jack to show Marie closing the body bag, heaving.

Ext. Street 1 21

We are back outside the house; we see Jack and a pale Marie walk out of the house. Suddenly a reporter breaks free of the barriers and runs over to Jack and Marie, it is Alice Knowles, with her cameraman following behind. She points at the cameraman, telling him to start rolling. As she starts she is clearly out of breath.

Alice Knowles

Sir, Sir? Is it true that last night an officer was killed, did it have anything to do with his case, and is it linked to the robbery, as leaks have said that he was on the case?

Jack starts to say something but is beaten by Marie. She sounds confident and is clearly a good liar.

Marie

I?m sorry but neither of us are allowed to say anything, you may want to ask a higher officer, but we haven?t been told anything.

Int. Bedroom 1 22

We hear a lock click and Jack walks in. He wanders over to a desk which is littered with rubbish. He sweeps some onto the floor to reveal a phone. He presses a button and a robotic voice kick in.

Answer Machine (V.O.)

1 new message.

Jack wanders into the kitchen, still listening to the voice on the machine.

Voice from machine (V.O.)

Yo, what?s up Jack, how's it hangin??

Jack pours some orange juice into a cup and takes a swig, still listening.

Jack (to machine)

Hi Dan.

Dan on machine (V.O.)

Hope you haven?t forgotten the party on Friday?

Jack walks back into the sitting room, towards the answering machine. He looks down. Cut to a shot of a calendar showing the date as Wednesday the 9th.

Jack (V.O.)

No Dan

Shot of the phone, surrounded by the rubbish.

Dan (V.O.)

Just reminding you, see you there, Dan.

Cut to shot of a door, we hear a knocking at the door. Cut to shot of Jack?s face. He is surprised, clearly not expecting anyone. He walks over to the door and opens it.

In the hallway of his flat is a delivery man. He seems rushed and hands Dan a letter. Dan takes the letter and the clipboard that the man pushes towards him and signs.

Delivery man

Thank you sir, Please use 7/11 deliveries again.

Jack turns around and walks back into the room, closing the door behind him. He opens the letter. Shot of the letter. A large letter echoes the following words.

Charles (V.O.)

Jack, in this letter I have no time to explain, I fear for yours, Marie?s and my own life. Today own officer was murdered and we are slowly slipping further into a very deep abyss. The government is following our every move and I fear this letter will never reach you, if it didn?t I would most likely be dead. Please meet me by the steps of the museum at 9 o?clock. You?re good friend Charles Murdoch.

Cut to a clock, it shows that the time is 08:42. Jack rushes out of the door, paper rubbish flies off the table, as does a photo frame. The photo frame lands on the floor and cracks. A crack goes up the middle of Marie and Jack, who are together in the photo.

Ext. Museum of Science 23
We see the steps from the opening scene, but there is nobody there. From the bottom of the camera we see Jack walk up to the middle of the steps and the centre of the camera. Slowly zoom in on him. He turns around, looking for Charles. Slowly Charles walks into the shot and over to Jack. By now the camera is fully zoomed in.

Charles

Jack don?t ask any questions and I will tell you everything I know. Jack we are slowly becoming more entangled in a web of deceit and deception. None of the orders I have given you are from myself, but from the government. Not only our government but the Greek. From now on do not trust anything I say and work of your own judgement. I have to leave, they are following me, they will catch up with me soon.

Charles runs down the steps, leaving Jack alone and confused. Fade to black.

Int. Police Station 24
We see the box and zoom out to see Jack holding it. Marie walks up to him.

Marie

Are you ready?

Jack

For what?

Marie

To open it

Jack

I suppose so

Jack opens the box, to a thrilling musical score. Suddenly, we see Jack obviously feel ill and the colour drains from his face. Show his nausea and suddenly he falls onto his desk, closing the box.

Int. Interview room 25

Marie and Alexander are sat in the room.

Marie

Everything that is said is off the record. Officially neither of us are hear and this conversation will have never have taken place.

Alexander

I am sorry for you?re officer, but what has it got to do with me.

Marie

How do you know about jack already?

Alexander

Jack was shot?

Marie

That was not Jack, Jack fell ill today?

Alexander

He opened the box, didn?t he?

Marie

How did you know?

Alexander

It doesn?t matter, he will feel fine tomorrow, bring him in. To live he will need my help?

[GREATwarEAGLE]

Get your hands on 3 or 4 professionally produced scripts that are similar to the one you're writing. Either from a book store or download. Preferably spec scripts, but they might be difficult.

Compare them to yours. Notice the differences. The dialogue. The way the action and scene description is written. How only the important information is there. And how many times, the important information isn't there, but implied. Doing that takes time, intelligence and creativity. You won't get lucky and have that just happen. You have to work for it.

Avoid the cliches like cops and doughnuts.

And research. Very little of the Police activity and how you describe it sounds genuine. Authentic. When you write about things unfamiliar to you, you gotta do the research so you don't sound foolish and ignorant.

Lose the camera direction. The "we see" "we hear" "we follow." Don't mention the camera or the audience. Ever.

Are you writing just for fun? Or is it something you seriously intend on pursuing? If it is serious - realize that anyone can write a script. But a well written script takes time. Months. Sometimes even a year. Even two.

If you can't commit to that much time - then you're wasting time.

You've asked for suggestions and I've given you the best ones I can think of. You (and other people reading this) may disagree. But when I write, I adhere to all of this - strictly.