untitled

[fullfuckinracecams]

Hi. I wrote this about 6 months ago, so excuse the poor formatting.

Its a screenplay that is untitled and not quite finished yet and I was just going over it today and thought I should seek some opinions.

Its a 3 act film (length about 45 miutes) each act consisting of 2 scenes (technically they are more but they are bridged by the shooting style). The whole thing will be shot steadi cam and the majority of the scenes will flow through to each other without any cuts.

Ostensibly, its about a theatre group and so I want to use this method of filming to to give it the 3 dimensional quality that the stage has.

Please tell me what you think. I'm not trying to lower expectations but I certainly have improved since I wrote this. It could be something quite easily filmed - particulalry as I have access to the films main location.

Here's the link: >>><<<< - Screenplay.doc

(recommend Save Target As).
As a resident of the UK I would like to remind you that this screenplay is copyrighted - perhaps undeservedly.

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ June 25, 2002 11:10 AM: Message edited by: fullfuckinracecams ]</font>

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ June 26, 2002 07:08 AM: Message edited by: fullfuckinracecams ]</font>

[fullfuckinracecams]

^

[Generic Skinhead]

Why'd you change your name from Redlum?

Ok your script...I read half of it.

It starts well enough, but as a whole I think it needs a lot of editing. Ask yourself the question: does such and such line really advance the story. It's very wordy and I get the feeling a lot of its gonna be talking heads which might get dull after a while.

You're obviously writing about what you know, but I'm wondering who the target audience is? Who is this movie for?

I'm not really sure what the central story is, but I do get the feeling theres some potential there. But you'll have to go at it with a hacksaw. Be a bit ruthless. Hope this helps.

[fullfuckinracecams]

Cause I didnt want my past history to cloud people's judgement...not that it matters, people round here spend more time replying to money making schemes of various size polygons rather than talking about films.

I appreciate your reply though, and I totally understand what you mean. It didnt warrant 40 odd pages for what actually happened. Still, its just about the three characters journey's, and so I need to simplify.

Jack is trying to change his image.
David is trying to achieve success at all *costs*
Will is trying above all resolve his issues at home whilst pursuing his first romance.

As for the audience, I dont really think of that. If anything I'd like to try and film it in that live style, going from piece to piece with actors waiting in rooms waiting to do their bit before moving onto the next piece via the hallway or something.

[emjen]

it was good. THe conversations read well, pretty fast, the characters were well 'made' (you could se how they are).

But if this is really made into a movie and people will watch this on tv, they might turn it off after a quarter or so. I liked Jack personality, David is, well, pretty boring, Colin and Jack both are pretty interesting too, and Will and Sarah are also interesting.

THere maybe isnt much known about Sarahs character, but the fact that she likes Will makes things about her more interesing. You might wanna put more interesting ( i need to find another word for that) things, actions, etc between Will and Sarah. I liked it when Sarah waited for Will but Will didnt give a fck. Things like that i find quite entertaining.

Havent read the whole script, about the first 20 pages or so, but based on what i've read i think you can leave some stuff out (unless you think the audience sees some more of the characters, or whatever) because it really isnt 'entertaining' nor does it push the story forward.

I dont think its a plot driven script, because there really wasnt much of a plot. You should make one or two of the characters more interesting, David, for example, is a boring ***** who likes to direct. That professional stuff about him was good, but really didnt go further and deeper. You could make him a really 'extravagant' 'passionate' 'proffesional' director-wannabe, if you know what i mean. WIth that, the interaction between the actors who feel like they are playing in a normal 'dull' play and the profesionall director who thinks he 's in broadway might make some cool things.

And please dont think less of me after you've read my crappy scripts, i hoped to give you some tips/advice here. I always like tips like this myself.

[redlum]

Thanks for the reply emjen.

With regards to David there's a big reveal towards the end of what I've written which, gives his character another layer and makes you feel quite sorry for him, he's already resigned to the fact that he's not some big broadway director, and the reveal makes it more tragic than him having illusions of grandeur.

I think what I need to do is cut it down so that the little plot that is there becomes 'snappier'. If I cut it so you can get past the first twenty pages, I think the pay off will be satisfying enough and I can also make it a sub - 30 minute short.

[emjen]

Dont forget to post it, i'd like to see it.