I thought Paperboy was very good and if done well could have potential. Though I laughed quite a bit, however, it should be pointed out that a wrong pair of hands could make the humour very, very weak.
I really hated the first one- to the point I dont remember much about it. Even its name. It was formulaic and fake with no real interest or visible point other than to experiment. Good for a first run, though; sorry to be so mean, man.
cheers brain muncher for being so honest...
paperboy was my second script and im glad someone found it funny...
the first one woodsmen was standard formula im kinda ashamed of it now that u trashed it...(lol)
got another one im gonna post up anyway after it has its 6th re-write....its a speed dating horror
hope to post it soon
---------------------------------------------
PAPER BOY
INT.BEDROOM ? DAY
Close up on an alarm clock buzzing loudly on a bedside
table, the time is 6.00am. The clock buzzes and buzzes
then a hand reaches out and knocks the clock of the table.
The alarm clock hits the floor with a thud, the buzzing
stops, the culprit 13 year old PETER who right now should
be getting up for his paper round instead he pulls the
covers back over his head and goes back to sleep.
Cut back to the alarm clock, the time is now 6.43am?
Peter is still sound asleep, a phone can be heard
ringing downstairs, footsteps are heard walking past
Peter?s room and making their way downstairs?
The phone is answered; a female voice can be heard.
FEMALE VOICE
(O.S)
Hello?yes?yes?ten minutes?bye
The phone is hung up; the footsteps make their way back up
the stairs and along the hall, they stop outside Peters
room. The door opens and in walks Peters mum ANNE, she
walks over to Peter?s bedside.
ANNE
(shaking peter gently)
Peter get up your late again.
She pulls the covers of Peter?
Peter reaches out still asleep and pulls them back over
his head.
Anne walks out of the room?water can be heard running in
the bathroom?the running water stops?
Close up on Peters face as he soundly sleeps?
SQUIRT, SQUIRT, SQUIRT Anne has a watergun spraying Peters
face . Peter catapults out of bed?
PETER
MUM!?what?s that for
Peter stands in his boxer shorts his face is soaking wet.
His mum squirts his feet with the water gun, relishing
watching Peter squirming around the room.
ANNE
You have?
(looking at her watch)
six and a half minutes?chop chop.
Anne leaves the room. Peter grabs a hold of his bed
covers and drys himself off, he puts on a pair of
tattered jeans and a black hooded top?he walks over
to the corner of his room where a large fish tank sits
full of tropical fish.
PETER
(looking into fish tank)
Morning lads.
INT.KITCHEN ? DAY
Anne sits at the kitchen table sipping a cup of coffee, a
rack of toast sits on the table?Peter scrambles into the
room pinching a piece of toast as he heads for the
backdoor?Peter stops turns and gives his mum a kiss on the
cheek before darting out the door?Anne smiles and goes
back to sipping her coffee.
EXT.STREET ? DAY
Peter is on his bike, hammering along as fast as he can,
checking his watch he puts his head down and cycles
harder.
INT.JIMS PAPER SHOP ? DAY
The paper shop is quiet, an older man around fifty with
grey hair and a beard wearing glasses stands behind the
counter smoking a rolled cigarette his name is JIM he is
the shop owner, he reads one of the morning papers.
The front door of paper shop bursts open, Peter enters,
he walks towards the counter out of breath.
JIM
(his head down reading the paper)
Another forty three seconds and I
was looking for a new paperboy.
PETER
Sorry
JIM
(head still down, raising his eyes)
Sorry isn?t going to deliver these papers.
Jim disappears behind the counter, only to appear with
the biggest paper bag anyone has ever seen?the bag is so
full its almost bursting at the seems?Peter stares at the
bag in disbelief, Peter reaches for the bag.
JIM
Wait a minute
Jim folds up the paper he was reading and jams it into
the paper bag, it?s a tight fit but it gets in there
some how.
Jim has a smug smile over his face?Peter slides the bag of
the counter, its so heavy it throws him of balance as he
throws the shoulder strap over his shoulder, he wobbles
from side to side making his way to the shop door.
EXT.JIMS PAPER SHOP ? DAY
Peter struggles to mount his bike, when he finally gets
going on his bike but doesn?t get far before falling off.
EXT.STREET ? DAY
Peter has decided to walk with his bike with the heavy
paper bag still slung over his shoulder. Peter chains
up his bike to a lamp post and begins delivering his
papers?ten to fifteen minutes later Peter is still
delivering his papers the bag is slowly but surely
becoming lighter.
Peter opens a gate where he is met by a large ginger cat?
The door to the house opens and out steps an elderly lady
her name is MRS JONES?
MRS JONES
Morning son.
PETER
Morning Mrs Jones.
Peter walks over to Mrs Jones and hands the old lady her
Newspaper?the cat follows Peter.
MRS JONES
Thanks son.
(referring to cat)
Mr Ginger likes you.
The cat purrs at Peter?s feet rubbing up and down his leg.
PETER
(looking down at Mr Ginger)
He greets me every day.
MRS JONES
Strange he isn?t usually a people
person?
Mrs Jones shrugs and smiles?she goes back inside, Peter
is left outside with Mr Ginger.
Peter looks down at Mr Ginger with a cheeky smile on his
face.
PETER
You ready.
Peter and Mr Ginger make their way out the gate and up the
street reservoir dog?s style?
They stop outside a gate with a large fence enclosing the
front garden, the kind of fence that was built to keep
something from getting out.
Peter and Mr Ginger stand side by side, Peter kneels down
and strokes Mr Gingers fur?then grabs the cat by the
scruff of the neck and throws him high in the air like
a grenade, as Mr Ginger soars through the air Peter
unlocks the latch on the gate?the sound of the latch
opening sheers through the air and around to the back
(more)
(continued)
of the house and into a large kennel where we meet TANK
the biggest meanest rotweiler anyone has ever seen?
INT.TANKS KENNEL - DAY
The sound of the gate opening awakes him from his
slumber and he?s pissed, Tank charges out of the kennel.
EXT.STREET ? DAY
Peter stands at the gate, he knows who?s coming.
Then from around the corner Tank emerges jaws slobbering
eyes filled with rage, he homes in on Peter whose eyes
widen at the site of the beast?Mr Ginger hits the ground
running in front of Tank and takes of around the other
side of the house, Tank like a bull seeing red charges
after the cat forgetting all about Peter.
Peter drops the paper bag and with a newspaper in hand
races towards the front door of the house?
Tank and Mr Ginger tear around the back garden knocking
over plants smashing plant pots, Mr Ginger narrowly avoids
getting his ass bit off, as he springs into a tree and
over a wall to safety.
Peter reaches the door and posts the paper through the
letterbox, which alerts Tank who races back towards
the front garden. Peter is already on his way back towards
the gate when Tank charges around the corner Peter is
within biting distance when he SLAMS the gate shut,
falling over his paper bag, the large beast slams into the
gate the whole fence shudders at the impact, Peter falls
over his paper bag falling to the ground.
Peter picks himself up of the ground gathers up his
paper bag as Tank jumps up at the gate barking madly,
Peter sighs a sigh of relief before continuing down the
street, where he is met by Mr Ginger.
PETER
(putting his hand in his pocket)
I don?t know if you deserve this, I almost
got my arse chewed off.
Peter reaches into his pocket?Mr Ginger licks his lips
as Peter takes out a small fish, one of the fish from
his tropical fish tank.
Peter gives the fish to Mr Ginger who makes short work
of his small reward.
PETER
Same time tomorrow then.
Peter smiles and walks away as Mr Ginger walks away in
the opposite direction.
Peter continues his paper round running from door to door
checking his watch often.
It?s not long before Peter is delivering his last paper.
Peter puffs out a sigh of relief as he delivers his last
paper.
Checking his watch once more Peter?s reaction is one of
Horror the time is seventeen minutes past eight?
PETER
Im late?im late?im late.
Peter races back to his bike and unchains it as fast as he
can.
Peter cycles hard and fast.
He stops to look at his reflection in a car door window,
fixing his hair and straightening his clothes, Peter sits
behind the car watching a house, he is anticipating
something?what?
Peter looks at his watch and counts down
PETER
5 ? 4 ? 3 ? 2 ? 1
He looks over at the house, the door opens to reveal
SHELLY, mid twenty?s, Peters crush she?s to old for him
but he thinks he?s in with a chance.
She walks down her garden path and out the gate and
towards her car.
Peter cycles around the corner timing it perfectly.
Shelly puts her car keys in the door when she hears.
PETER
Morning!
Shelly looks up and smiles at Peter.
SHELLY
Morning
Peter is transfixed on Shelly with a silly love sick
puppy love smile spread across his face?Shelly turns
back to her car when?WHAM!
Shelly turns around to see Peter slide down the back
windscreen of a parked car, he groans as he slides down
and slumps on the ground.
Shelly rushes over to help him.
SHELLY
Are you ok?
PETER
(trying to act macho but winded)
Yip?im fine
(getting up of the ground)
Just took my eyes of the road for a
second.
He picks up his bike and for a brief moment stares into
Shelley?s eyes, he has that dopey puppy love smile on his
Face?
VOICE
(O.S)
HOY!
Peter turns around it?s the owner of the car and he looks
like one mean dude. Peter runs along the street in the
opposite direction straitening his handlebars on the bike he jumps on and takes of like the wind?His moment spoiled.
INT.JIMS PAPER SHOP ? DAY
Jim stands in exactly the same position as before, only
this time he?s reading a fishing magazine?The doors burst
open in walks Peter who places the empty paper bag on the
counter.
PETER
(smug smile on his face)
There you go didn?t take that long.
JIM
(head down reading his magazine)
Well done son.
Peter smiles?
JIM
(looking at his watch)
Oh would you look at that, you start
school in fifteen minutes.
Peters smile is quickly wiped of his face, as he turns
And runs towards the shop door.
JIM
OI!
Peter stops dead in his tracks
JIM
Your on your last legs pal
(pointing at his watch)
six thirty tomorrow last chance.
PETER
Sorry, wont happen again.
JIM
Heard that before.
Peter smiles and races out the shop.
Cut to:
(continued)
INT.BEDROOM ? DAY
Peter sleep soundly in his bed?His alarm clock says
5.59am a few seconds later it turns to 6.00am and
the buzzing starts, Peter reaches out and
pushes the clock of the dresser.
THE END
---------------------------------------------
<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ May 20, 2004 05:56 AM: Message edited by: duffy ]</font>
liked it a lot, but (there's allways a "but") I there's some things that crossed my mind while reading...
It's a village, isn't it? I would like to see some folks of the village. Of course lot of them are probably sleeping that early in the morning, but you could add some interesting people to the script to make it more "full"
The ending. I guess that you didn't want to write an ending or somekind of twist... just a piece of everyday life? I'd just think it would be better if it had an ending. Something to rap it up..?
If you'd follow two persons at the same time. Also the girl that Peter "loves"... then their meating could be the "ending" I was talking about. And it might be more interesting film also..?
Like I said I liked it a lot. It's "beautiful" in a way and also funny. Good job, but I don't think it's ready yet. It also gave me some ideas for writing other scripts. Don't worry, I'm not thinking of stealing your idea :-)
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Kev O. Kev... why do you need a VO on this? You just resolved the "problem" BEFORE even suggesting the voice-over...Originally posted by Kev O.:
I It would be really good if there were lots more small details of his round, perhaps just visuals.
In this case in my opinion VO would give greater insight into the character.
The scene with the cat would be a lot better if the kid never spoke to it
Agreed... but I think it doesn't need a VO anyway. Good actor and good camera work will do the job, and will do it better also.
...and to make it clear: NO, I don't like VO:s, and YES, I though it over and I really think you don't need VO here...
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Put this in the script, if Kev gives the permit!Originally posted by Kev O.:
For example, when I was a paperboy (long time ago, only got a t'pence ha'penny per round) one winter morning I fell off my bike and it was beautiful! There was black ice on the road but I didn't see it and I was pelting along, my bike just collapsed beneath me and I skidded for about 20 metres, felt like forever, but no-one was around to see it... shame, I was quite proud.
My reason for saying VO could work is that I imagine this film looking like 'Boy and Bicycle', the first short directed by Ridley Scott. The film uses great visuals but also has a quite abstract VO and it works perfectly.
How can you say you hate VO??? Didn't we cover this weeks ago? So many great films have VO, therefore there ARE times when VO works great, and I believe this may be a VO suited film.
I like VO's but I don't think it does need one here. Really liked the script and maybe some more stuff like Kev O's ice story!
I found that script really easy to picture in my head and if done well... for example the latch on the gate shot.. its got to be a CU of the latch then fast motion to the back of the house to see a cu of the dog! Quirky stuff like that make it work.
cheers folks apreciate the critisisim and im just glad someone liked it...
The script is to be 9 pages long and what i got is 9 pages donno how al fit more stuff in...
al take into consideration all of your thoughts on the script and see what i can come up with iv got atleast another two weeks to re-write before its submited to a competition al post the re-write for some feedback....
cheers duffy
<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ May 26, 2004 05:33 PM: Message edited by: duffy ]</font>
I also think Paperboy (anyone remember the computer game?) has potential.
The way I see it at the moment is a pretty rough idea. It needs developing because at the minute there is no real story arc or a decisive insight into the life of a paperboy. For example, when I was a paperboy I had a total love-hate relationship with it. I really missed it when I stopped. It would be really good if there were lots more small details of his round, perhaps just visuals. Were you ever a paperboy? If yes, think about how you felt, where you went, things you liked/hated. If you weren't a paperboy I'm sure you could make some good stuff up. The main character needs more depth in my opinion. I know there was debate about voice-over not too long ago, but I reckon VO would be great on this. The scene with the cat would be a lot better if the kid never spoke to it (because it's blatently talking to the audience), but in VO that's ok because he's talking to the audience all the time. In this case in my opinion VO would give greater insight into the character.
For example, when I was a paperboy (long time ago, only got a t'pence ha'penny per round) one winter morning I fell off my bike and it was beautiful! There was black ice on the road but I didn't see it and I was pelting along, my bike just collapsed beneath me and I skidded for about 20 metres, felt like forever, but no-one was around to see it... shame, I was quite proud.
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