Just some stuff....

[Miral]

I've cried a million tears
Sighed a million sighs
Been dragged through many years
And accused of many crimes
(I liked that wanted to save it)

Last night or early this morning was rough on me...I received an IM from someone...who I hurt and sent an e-mail telling me that I fucked him over too many times and that he hated me...*sigh* He IMed me like nothing happened and gullible me....sensitive....fucking submissive and stupid me talked back....I was confused and hurt and I didn't know what to do...I'm not one to block a person on IM and two people told me not to talk to him...you know who you are....*hugs* to you both...and I'm sorry...I think I'm falling back in...into his trap...
I'm an idiot!! Why do I do this to myself..I will never change...I will keep doing this to myself until there is no trust left...no backbone...no me....I am starting to think there is no hope...I cried when his name came on the screen...I had deleted his name from my buddylist...why? cause I figured he meant it...he had dusted his hands of me....I thought it was over...I thought he had moved on and I was trying to...dammit!! Dammit!! DAMMIT!! It hurts! My mind...my body...my soul...my heart...I'm a broken person...I've suffered and died a thousand deaths in this body...and the next one always hurts worse than the last...
Fuck...I love that bastard....fuck me...fuck him....this is bullshit!

[gollum]

darling
stop confusing me
with your wishful thinking
hopeful embraces
don't you understand?
i have to go through this
i belong to there where no one cares and no one loves
no light no air to live in
a place called hate
the city of ill
child
no one cares

i play dead
it stops the hurting
i play dead
and the hurt stops

it's sometimes just like sleeping
curling up inside my private tortoise
i nestle into pain and suffering
caress every nerve

i play dead
it stops the hurting
i play dead
it stops the hurting
i play dead
it stops the hurting
i play dead
it stops the hurting...

-bjork

[Miral]

And yet again
One thousand and one deaths
And I know many more
I want my heart back
I want my soul back
I want me back
I feel like begging you
Give it to me
Please...
You have no use for it
You had no right
Why did you take it?
It's not fair
This is not fun
Curling up into a ball
Can only do so much
Crying into a pillow
Doesn't soften the blow
Too many feelings
And oh so much pain
I've tried to kill it before
And it didn't work
But I want to kill it again

[Miral]

I have the strangest idea about me...at this very moment..in this light....I am cute. I hardly ever think I'm cute...and never when I'm nude. I am cute right now. But will I be cute in the morning? Tomorrow afternoon? I will feel beyond sexy talking to someone tomorrow night...the past few nights he has made me feel so desirable...so loved...so...cherished? He's good to me. Was when we first met...was when he was dating this one girl....and is after he stopped dating her. He's a very good friend. One of many, but one that treats me different. He didn't talk much while he was dating, and he told me why and I was shocked! I smile now, but I was surprised...why am I rambling. I should stop. Nothing will come of our relationship, but if there could, I would jump at the chance. I just wish he didn't come along right now in my confused state of mind. *sighs*

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~There are a great many people in the country today who, through no fault of their own, are sane.~
~These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.~
~Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they act their dream with open eyes, to make it possible.~ T.E.Lawrence

[Chilimuffin]

"Beauty is life when life unveils her holy face. But you are life and you are the veil. Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in the mirror. But you are eternity and you are the mirror."
-Kahlil Gibran

all things said, therefore, you must be cute .

I like the power behind your poetry. It's hard to write about both love and s.i. (or am I misperceiving the subject matters?) without appearing tawdry, and you've pulled off both using simplicity to give intensity rather than long descriptive passages. that's both good writing and brave all at the same time .

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"carpe jugulum" - terry pratchett

"but truth is just like time, it catches up and it just keeps going."
-dar williams

"I will always be me; I will always be new."
-delmore schwartz

[Miral]

mmm, Thank you very much. You have hit it on the nose.

[Miral]

Doubleposting on my own thread, but I don't care.

I've found myself in a rut as usual. One of those that when you try to find some levity you become more depressed. What's wrong? I don't know. I talk to a lot of friends on the phone. I always feel better then. I guess I need to be on the phone more often. But that doesn't really make it better, does it? I used to find solace in music. I can't now. It's too hard. All I want to do is sleep and talk on the phone. What a life, huh? One friend, Kim, my best friend, doesn't know I'm depressed. Why not? Because I didn't tell her. Because I'm an idiot. EEEK! All I can do is complain.
Ok, here's soething I'm happy about. I'm glad it's summer. I hate cold weather. I enjoy the sun, although it's bad for you, but that's why they make sunblock. I need a new swimsuit...heh, lord, I'm a sad case.
Alhough, I can find humor in my depression.
*sheesh* I'm an idiot.