A song here, let me know what you think

[AsIs]

dwim, I like it, first verse sort of throws me tho. Not sure where it fits in the imagery.

But I like the overall feel and theme.

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- "How do you know the chosen ones? No greater love hath a man than he lay down his life for his friend. Not for millions, not for glory, not for fame... for one person. In the dark. Where no one will ever know or see." - Sebastion, Babylon 5
- INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

[Chilimuffin]

I like it... whee... sounds bluesy - you'll have to smoke at least a pack before singing it.... hmm... serious criticism? check the rhythm, and don't sing ohio in the chorus - ohio's too boring.. be alone somewhere crazy, like new york or chicago, because it's a bigger deal to be alone among so many people rather than alone in ohio. it's okay to start with indiana, tho, because indiana makes people think of downhome america, and it's sad to be lonely there, or something... but not ohio. at least says me, but then again, I'm weird that way. but I really like it.

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"carpe jugulum" - terry pratchett

"but truth is just like time, it catches up and it just keeps going."
-dar williams

"I will always be me; I will always be new."
-delmore schwartz

[This message has been edited by Chilimuffin (edited June 04, 2000).]

[dwim]

Heh, I did smoke a hundred and millions of pack before it entered my head. I put in Ohio because that's where I am from, I did notice it threw me off and I couldn't think of another state out of fifty. Illinois maybe? And it's alone in Indiana because I am alone in Indiana. Maybe if i stick in Chicago instead of Dayton, but then I haven't been to Chicago since I was a kid.
Yes, the first verse threw me off too asis but it led me to discover the other ones. Maybe if I do this:

Lost in this country
It was a long hard fall
You say, "Where are you?"
I'm in a stripper hall

Not sure yet. Keep the feedback coming.

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There's loneliness in the radios...

[gollum]

>>Been dreaming a lot
About rolling wheels<<

that line could almost stand on its own...

and i know how you feel. (sometimes i think that indiana is the worst place to be alone...)

-g

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Sometimes i think everyone on this board is crazy. The rest of the time i'm sure.
-Dan

Liberate your sub-midriff regions! Cast off your bourgeois pants!
-Philo

[AsIs]

The imagery on stripper hall fits better I think...

The rest of the song has a lonely image, gogo hall was just too chipper but stripper (unless it is being played by one of our perky posters)conjures up a much lonlier image.

------------------
- "How do you know the chosen ones? No greater love hath a man than he lay down his life for his friend. Not for millions, not for glory, not for fame... for one person. In the dark. Where no one will ever know or see." - Sebastion, Babylon 5
- INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

[dwim]

Alone In Indiana

Lost on your streets
With my back against the wall
You yelled "Where are ya?"
I'm in the go-go girls hall

Gotta get going
Before I'm lost again
You say "Will you be back?"
Sure, but I'm not sure when

Alone in Indiana
Alone in Ohio
Alone in California
Alone where ever I go
Alone in Dayton
Alone in San Fransisco
Alone in Memphis
Alone, I gotta go

Been dreaming a lot
About rolling wheels
You yelled, "Whatcha doing?"
I'm doing what I feel

Passed out in a prairie
Under that burning sun
You say, "What to do now?"
Well, I gotta run...

Well, that's it. I'm kind of working on it a bit into some sort of ballad. I have a different idea for it. Let me know what you think...

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There's loneliness in the radios...

[Chilimuffin]

Much better.... I like the stripper hall bit as well... and I guess if you preface Ohio with Sad, you're much more justified (I admit I'm a little disgruntled by the whole state, having just spent 4 years there, but now I'm gone, so I guess I shouldn't be too bitter ). I like the cities a lot - it makes the whole song feel broader, like you've been a rolling stone so long you've hit all the cities and can't find home anywhere. and the whole idea of fainting under the burning sun... it reminds me of the homeless people I saw when I was visiting salt lake city once - like sunbleached hopes, sitting and roasting.. powerful stuff. let me know when you put out an album

------------------
"carpe jugulum" - terry pratchett

"but truth is just like time, it catches up and it just keeps going."
-dar williams

"I will always be me; I will always be new."
-delmore schwartz

[dwim]

Ok ... here's the reworkings of it...

Lost in this country
It's a long hard fall
You say, "Where are ya?"
I'm in a stripper hall

Didn't leave fast
Now I'm lost again
You say, "Will you be back?"
Sure, but I don't know when

Alone in Indiana
Alone in Sad Ohio
Alone in California
Alone where ever I go
Alone in Seattle
Alone in Chicago
Alone in Memphis
Alone I gotta go

Been dreaming a lot
About rolling wheels
You wonder what I do
I do what I feel

Fainted on city streets
Under the burning sun
You wonder what to do now
I better get away and run


---------------------------------

Well... any better? or worser? Anyone want to put this to guitar and see how it works out?


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There's loneliness in the radios...

[dwim]

I feel that I shouldn't have to use "sad ohio" in order to justify it. Ohio is sad for me, it's where I grew up, it felt like home for so many years then all of a sudden, it don't. They say home is where the heart is, but I can't seem to find my heart these days. Lately, I've been having the blues and feeling lonely since I remembered that the only girl I could ever love in my whole life, had a birthday. So I shouldn't have to justify anything I wrote in the second time around. It's sad like I am sad. I am sad because there's nobody for me to go to. When I get my bachelor degree, there is no one special that I want to share it with, and that's the part I'm not looking forward to come September. Then, maybe, there'd be another blues song worthy of Tom Waits or Muddy Waters.

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There's loneliness in the radios...

[Chilimuffin]

point taken. in truth, it's your song, you don't have to justify any of it to anyone, so if you want to use ohio or sad ohio, it's your choice. Forgive me for the imposition of my own annoyance at four years at college there. I can only offer sympathy, as I don't know you or your past; I do know that the blues suck, but they do make for good songs .

------------------
"carpe jugulum" - terry pratchett

"but truth is just like time, it catches up and it just keeps going."
-dar williams

"I will always be me; I will always be new."
-delmore schwartz