Ahaaa....

[Katchoo]

So this is where you guys all hide out when you aren't at STP.

I'll tell you what, I've got a poem for you (also on STP)

'The Rape Of My Mind'

Begged to see you just one time.
Why is it we can't talk now?
I had this dream where you made me want you,
And I realised,
You had raped my mind.
I know I'm still there,
Still haunting,
Still warm where I had touched.
Perhaps I stole something from you too.
But when I loved you, comforted you, held you,
All those times,
You were raping my mind.
Every time I want to cry,
And wonder why I even try,
You rape my mind.
And I do not mind.

------------------
The maverick heroine of STP land, avenger against those who would kick off with pretty women;
Hero to some, just another pretty face to others.
The cutest little lesbian.
THE Lesbian.


...Without love, we are never more than Strangers In Paradise.

[Branflakes]

Well done. I really like the flow of this one, Katchoo.

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The ninja lesbian milk getter.
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ChatterBox

[Katchoo]

OH WOW!! someone replied!
Thanks Bran, I appreciate it. When I unearth my wealth of melancholy poetry, I'll share more with you. It's at my mom's at the mo'.


------------------
The maverick heroine of STP land, avenger against those who would kick off with pretty women;
Hero to some, just another pretty face to others.
The cutest little lesbian.
THE Lesbian.


...Without love, we are never more than Strangers In Paradise.

[honeyk]

This poem is really really powerful, which is great. impacting readers like this poem does is difficult to do. It is honest, cutting, and heartfelt. well done! i just have a few questions that maybe you could think about it terms of clarification...

'The Rape Of My Mind'
--good title, by the way..really grabs attention

Begged to see you just one time.
Why is it we can't talk now?
---this line i don't get. it seems to interrupt the flow from the first line to the third...becuuse you do not give any later clarification as to what actually happend between you two

I had this dream where you made me want you,
--this is a great image

And I realised,
You had raped my mind.
--i would take the had out..it is a weak verb and takes away from the power of what you are saying in this line

I know I'm still there,
Still haunting,
Still warm where I had touched.
--this is my favorite part...really good job here

Perhaps I stole something from you too.
--you should put a comma in between the you and too for clarification

But when I loved you, comforted you, held you,
All those times,
You were raping my mind.
--this really touches me...you do a good job of evoking a lot of emotion in few words...and that is a talent few have

Every time I want to cry,
And wonder why I even try,
You rape my mind.
And I do not mind.
-this last line throws a twist in the poem that you just have to love. great job all around!

-honeyk


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[5Cats]

Don't worry if there's no replies Katchoo! It's sort of the norm here to read and move on. Unless feedback is requested, or there's constructive criticism, (like honeyk's wonderful analysis!) Loungers don't say too much.

That's a really nice critique there honeyk!

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No will but thy will
No law but the laws you make

Self-proclaimed "LairPet"...Wierder than the average cat!
Captain TMI!...Resident Feline Expert! >^..^<

[Katchoo]

*beams at the compliments*

Why, thank you honeyk.
I have to admit, my poetry is anything but orthodox. I very rarely make any special effort to develop some sort of structure in my free verse, but that's part of the character of my writing. However, I would never allow any pedant to argue that what I write isn't poetry

I want what happened between me and this person to remain part and partate of a set of poems I have written, but not included in this one.
Basically, I had a girlfriend, called Jenny. She was my first official girlfriend, and the person I love most in the world. The whole thing just went very wrong, and now we just don't talk. She completely avoids me because she's afraid of the way I make her feel, and afraid of what people will think if she allowed herself to feel that way.
I've been thinking about her a lot recently. It shouldn't have gone the way it did.
She's completely ditzy, but I love her anyway

I put 'had' in to: a) give the line a better flow, and b) because it was past tense, and it happened repeatedly.
I just liked the sound of it better.

As for that comma I missed out...
It happens. I actually think, for a 17 year- old, my grasp of grammar and syntax is remarkably good.

Hope that helps you grasp it better.

------------------
The maverick heroine of STP land, avenger against those who would kick off with pretty women;
Hero to some, just another pretty face to others.
The cutest little lesbian.
THE Lesbian.


...Without love, we are never more than Strangers In Paradise.