clout

[sarafina mable]

today was a good day full of all the words I wanted to say
I got what I needed in rare display and didn?t lay down when fringes pulled astray
today is the day I can come away and lose all the pieces that threaten to fray
leave them on footpaths and track overlays for the wind to posses and some stranger to grace in finding this brick to complete the maze that they searched for in frantic not sleeping for days
their void was a treasure I traced in myself unused to the peril of being without
twisted and tormented I bore through the bout never to apprehend the width of this clout
patching the stumble on some strangers path with the weight that had burdened my shoulders and back
one found it and loved it I lost it to leave it, strangers we are but through each other completed

[Fliptastic29]

I love that last line
"one found it and loved it I lost it to leave it, strangers we are but through each other completed"
It's got such a ring to it. I kind of got lost in the middle or maybe it was boredom i don't know but otherwise i like it's rythm

[sarafina mable]

i understand the boredom, its kinda dr. suess-y.
i don't ever really write anything with rhyme so i thought i would give it a try. thanks for the reply though [img]smile.gif[/img]

[Hannibal]

Perhaps it's just me... but.. I'd settle into a "groove" reading this peice, then BAM, a word would kinda throw me off track... then i'd fall back into the "groove", and BAM, another... word that just didn't sit.

Definately a different style for you - I say give it another try. It never hurts to try and broaden your horizon.

I think perhaps machinery was onto something when he asked others to write a short story...

Should we create "assignments" for each poster to attempt (if they so feel the urge)?
Well - now i've dwadled off into another topic all together.. so..
nice peice - but not great. but I did like the Dr.Seussy'ness of it.

[machinery]

the only that was a sore thumb was the awkward structure, if structured at all...especially the superlong line in the midst of it....

besides that, cruise control.

[machinery]

the only that was a sore thumb was the awkward structure, if structured at all...especially the superlong line in the midst of it....

besides that, cruise control.