Beats

[Hannibal]

Still beats
Rest with the heart of the dying.
Breath quietly paced
With a whisper of sincerity.
Stale obscurity's
Pass beneath cracked lips.
Concrete dreams
From the breath of the dying.

[machinery]

another short piece...

"Still beats
Rest with the heart of the dying.
Breath quietly paced
With a whisper of sincerity.
Stale obscurity's
Pass beneath cracked lips.
Concrete dreams
From the breath of the dying."


by saying still beats? is the heart not beating...or barely beating?
i don't think a beat can be still..ha

yeah, the WC seems to abstract for me...and the funny thing is, you use the word concrete in this...ha

i've only read it a couple times but still....i get what you're trying to convey, but i think there could be improvement.

what sincere thing did the whisper weep?
what obscurity?

see what i'm saying?
get back to me?

[Hannibal]

I see what you're saying - i'll work on a revision - and post it again once done..
thx for the input [img]smile.gif[/img]

[machinery]

cool cool.
only revise if you think it needs to/if you want to.

and as for the input...we all need it.

a little help goes a long way....

(yes, i love ending on those.)