This was sorta an anger release i had a few months ago and is was pretty sloppy; just recently i revised it and its alot better(well at least i think so), but i could always use some critisism so plz comment
Original: 12-2-04
Revision: 1-6-05
"The Future"
Minutes, hours, days all pass by like a blur
I'm a single object standing still in a fast forwarded world of motion
Each and everyone one of those dreaded days I feel unwanted by the ones who once loved me
But I never feel invisible
The way they spit unnecessary comments out of those filthy mouths that I want to staple shut so that they will never hurt anyone ever again
These same peers were once my friends
All of them different
Warped in there own selfish thoughts of vicious plans to deceive the weaker
So fed up with all their over-rated drama
They feed me that drama like its poison that weakens me in a state so that they can overpower me
Wary now of not letting my words slip through the tip of my tongue, past my lips into the air to be absorbed by others who will use that power against me
To make me settle for less
Or lead me to pursue my enraged thoughts
I wonder how long I can withhold my urges and keep them at the back of my head
But maybe, just maybe
I will strive to the top and spit on their tears, as they beg for my friendship once more
But it is too late for that
I have moved on; I am above all that now
Hmmmmmmm, I like this... yes, the more I think about it.. yup.
This is good.
Just a few comments about word selection.
One line where you said "keep these thoughts at the back of my head", when I think you meant mind, or something..
Other than that... a nicely put together peice.
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I really like the "spit on their tears", dunno why - but I do.I will strive to the top and spit on their tears, as they beg for my friendship once more
But it is too late for that
I have moved on; I am above all that now
also like how you reference being on "top" then at the end you say "i'm above all that now" kinda like you're already there.
a little conceited, and i love it!
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