I saw her across the room,
and she came at me sideways
With glitter and glam.
She saw me watching her
And I dissappeared.
Lost in a cave of rough torquise
and tiny gemstones.
Hoping only to lose myself
in the saintly touch of her flesh I
stood
Before her.
We were all smiles and sunshine,
and found a nice cloud to sit on for
a while.
Then she found herself,
and I found me.
We went home alone but
had each other in memory.
Her name was
This may be my favorite of yours, although admittedly I've only read a few. I think the last line is a bold move. The only thing I can add is to maybe tighten up the line structure--it would make it read smoother, but the words themselves are great!!
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">As I've said many times before - there's tons I don't know about poetry...Originally posted by pixxie:
The only thing I can add is to maybe tighten up the line structure--it would make it read smoother
and by line structure, and tightening it up, any examples?
Example:
Hoping to lose myself in her
saintly flesh I stood before her.
Longer lines and stronger enjambment. It gives the lines new meaning, without stripping them of their original meaning. The second line can read as its own sentence, taking on a completely different meaning if not coupled with the first. This line structure makes your lines dependent upon one another, allowing them to make sense independently, but forcing the reader to take them all into account as a whole in order to get the full effect of the poem.
Man I'm long-winded, sorry.
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