Prayers

[Hannibal]

Oh she would pen!
Write, articulate, revise,
Oh, the revisions!
Even with thousands of them, they were always in pen
So the original would still be there
if she decided that it 'fit'
She wrote without thinking
And thought about writing
She gave her diary to him on their wedding night
Where her mind writes her heart shall lay

[machinery]

Oh she would pen!
Write, articulate, revise,
Oh, the revisions!
Even with thousands of them, they were always in pen
So the original would still be there
if she decided that it 'fit'
She wrote without thinking
And thought about writing
She gave her diary to him on their wedding night
Where her mind writes her heart shall lay

***

love this idea, but it's time to be picky.
first thing I noticed was the lack of punctuation.
first line: no comma after "Oh" Give it something, give the audience a pause....like when someone is telling a story: "OH, wait till you hear this...yadda yadda...' you know?

i love the word 'pen,' but look at your second line...those words take over and leave 'pen' behind. maybe something like "oh, her penmanship" something like that.

back to the punct. maybe periods would work better in the second line.
also, revise followed by revisions is a tad redundant. WC man. maybe edit. maybe something.

"Even with" sticks out too much. I would try to omit those two words.
maybe: "thousands of them, all in pen."

question: if she is writing in pen and does constant revisions....where are all the scratch outs? I want scratch outs portrayed by letters...maybe by sound...what does a scratch out sound like? (now I'm wishing I wrote this!)

okay, these lines:
"if she decided that it 'fit'
She wrote without thinking
And thought about writing"

they don't seem to fit, but maybe it's the wording. I see the structure with the last two lines, but I think you could be a bit more creative.

i like the the last two lines, but they seem like they were thrown on the end, like they were maybe the first two lines you wrote...

and i don't like "lay." i have no reason why, really. HA!


all in all, good idea. I want to see a revision!