wine cellar

[machinery]

father,

only
one room
of your illustrious home is

lacking
in keepsakes
and tales of previous years.

frowzy
fetor and
spectacularly woven webs

hang
about the
naked racks of the wine cellar,

which
await an
unopened birthday gift from your

son.

[machinery]

this is another version. which one is better?


***


father,

only
one room
of your illustrious home is

lacking
in keepsakes
and tales of previous years.

fusty
fetor and
spectacularly woven webs

hang
about the
naked racks of the cellar,

while
dust ages
rather than a collection of

wine.

[Hannibal]

The first version seems more "mysterious" at the ending... like maybe something weird is down there, that your dad doesn't want to recognize.

But the second one seems much more simpler, and gives a feeling of "empty" at the end. Alone is a feeling you get through the whole peice of the 2nd one...

Where as the first one is more a mix of alone/mystery.

I like 'em both - but I dig simpler stuff.