said the priest

[machinery]

present an afternoon
and I'll provide the refuge.
obscure the sun from the sky
and spread that confetti.
big, bang, sparks,
said the priest.

here's the church...

the day seemed to swell in hot
disillusionment until the stars
dispersed like well played marbles.
put your hands in the form of hope,
said the priest.

here's the steeple...

rise because he is always
up. rid yourself of her
succulent ribs and river
blues. but it is love. no,
that is lust, said the priest.

open the doors...

a crow settled on a mesquite.
a slight flutter of feathers
symbolized doubt. the day's
overcast moved towards night.
he is beyond the clouds,
so said the priest.

but where are all the people?

[machinery]

ok, so i changed a line in the first stanza and i threw out the third stanza and created a new one. tell me what works better.

*****


present an afternoon
and I?ll provide the refuge.
obscure the sun from the sky
and spread that celestial aura.
big, bang, sparks,
said the priest.

here?s the church?

the day seemed to swell in hot
disillusionment until the stars
dispersed like well played marbles.
put your hands in the form of hope,
said the priest.

here?s the steeple?

surrender your pulsations
to him. your membrane
is his medium. he is the only
clock ticking because this
is predestined, said the priest.

open the doors?

a crow settled on a mesquite.
a slight flutter of feathers
symbolized doubt. the day?s
overcast moved towards night.
he is beyond the clouds,
so said the priest.

but where are all the people?

[Hannibal]

I like the first one better... but that's just me.

[Hannibal]

Originally posted by machinery:
i agree too, now that i can read both of them. anything else? i feel like there needs to more to this piece than i have given.

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">The more I look at it, and think about it - the less sure I am what needs to be 'added', so much as it looks like maybe just your typical wordplay.

You're word choice has always been your strong point in my opinion, but it doesn't seem to shine as much in this as in others.

In this one it seems that you're going more for the overall idea/theme as opposed to showing your knack of finding the perfect words to put out what you're trying to say.

Does that make sense?

[machinery]

i agree too, now that i can read both of them. anything else? i feel like there needs to more to this piece than i have given.

[machinery]

any words in particular that you find lackluster or ill-fitting?

[Hannibal]

Originally posted by machinery:
any words in particular that you find lackluster or ill-fitting?

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Having taken time away, and come back to this one, I think it was my expectations that caused me to talk of your wordplay.

Normally I expect you to use brilliant words, new words, words that make me say "Wow, smart!"... and a lot of your things use words at just the right moment so strong they could physically move you!

This one however, had a strong feeling, and idea behind it.
The words were good, solid, concrete enough to get the IDEA across
the IDEA is where this one shines. The word choice is good. Not great, but good. And I think that's important because it causes the idea to seem so much more clear by writings end.