simple wooden cross

**machinery** · February 14th, 2003, 08:07 PM

do not go without whiskey in dead seas,
life should be lived on the brink, out of sync
breathe, breathe beyond the cold cemeteries.

dark endings are fate, or so sage men believe,
because their written words weren't brilliant ink,
do not go without whiskey in dead seas.

others, like sound men, whimper a low plea
hoping their deeds turned all nights a sweet pink,
so breathe, breathe beyond the cold cemeteries.

mad men glow with glee, for true life they need,
but often go bad, show defeat and sink
and do not go without whiskey in dead seas.

knee deep in soil, sober men wait and grieve
making one last wish as their skin wrinkles
breathing breath beyond the cold cemeteries.

and you, dylan, sunken, dry-mouthed and free
raise, cheer me now with your aged glass and drink
do not go without whiskey in dead seas
breathe, breathe beyond the cold cemeteries.

**machinery** · February 18th, 2003, 05:02 AM

this work is based off Dylan Thomas' "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night"

**machinery** · April 21st, 2003, 07:16 AM

bump

**Hannibal** · April 23rd, 2003, 02:03 PM

A bit confusing...
and... i dunno.
I liked it... but... it didn't... sit "easily" with me

**SHATOUSHKA** · April 26th, 2003, 12:49 AM

i liked it... however i felt each stanza was
missing a fourth line... a fourth, off-beat
line... something to add static

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size=2 face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><table border="0" width="90%" bgcolor="#333333" cellspacing="1" cellpadding="0"><tr><td width="100%"><table border="0" width="100%" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="2" bgcolor="#FF9900"><tr><td width="100%" bgcolor="#DDDDDD"><font size=2 face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif"><font color=#000000>Originally posted by machinery:
mad men glow with glee, for true life they need,
but often go bad, show defeat and sink
and do not go without whiskey in dead seas.</font>

</font></td></tr></table></td></tr></table></BLOCKQUOTE>

i didn't particularly like this stanza.
although the third line came close to that
static i was referring to...
i guess i just don't like "for true life they need".

i guess its just me. i kinda shy away from
poems that rhyme the same at every line.

but i've always liked machinery's stuff...
just something about the subject matter he describes

good [img]graemlins/thumbs_up.gif[/img]

**machinery** · April 30th, 2003, 06:45 PM

yea, i'm not partial to rhyming either, but i wanted to tackle something different...i was reading up on dylan thomas and found out that he wrote "do not go gentle into that good night" for his father...so i wanted to write a tribute to him....it's based off that....and dylan was a big drinker...so i tried it...i was originally gonna do it with off rhymes and eye rhymes...but i thought regular rhymes would be sufficient...

thanks for liking my stuff...

**GravyTrain** · April 30th, 2003, 07:07 PM

What was the bump post? i saw that on another board and it puzzled me.

**GravyTrain** · May 1st, 2003, 02:19 PM

See, here's whats funny about that, wouldn't it make sense just to make it sticky? instead of cluttering up thread with pointless posts? that was mainly what i was getting it,,,i assumed that that is what "bump meant", but it just didn't seem like it made that much sense.