dominion

[thenewrant]

there are certainly beginnings
but not always did our hugs commence
in darkness.

it was you that seemed to long,
fingers extended, your form suspended,
anatomy aglow,
I looked for your reflection
in mine.

arms outstretched, we met somewhere
in the middle
of adoration. swathed in light, I let loose
pride
and embraced your image.

[parch]

this is fun.
I like this.

I wonder what would happen if you took out the pronoun references and just kept it about the forms. might be cool.
but either way, I like the forms.

[Hannibal]

On first read, the phrasing seemed off - especially the last paragraph.
On second reading, the phrasing seemed off - especially the last line.

On subsequent readings (and revisits) - I like it more and more.

pride - on it's own line. Powerful there, two sided almost (or could be). It's an interesting point in all of this.

The last line I still don't care for as much as the rest, I think because it sounds less genuine (is that the right word?), it doesn't seem as poignant as the rest where you seemed to find the right words and weave them together in a more tightly knit bundle. All the way to the last line, the last line cheapens the last paragraph, which in turn makes it sit out of whack for me. Until I read it again, and again, and again.