goodbye

[Soiled Soul]

Forgotten memories
and wasted fears.
Is all I will hold
through the years.
Your final gift,
my hollow tears.

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[Soiled Soul]

The above came real easy but i didnt think it was enough. So I decided to try something I dont usually do and tried to "finish" the work using a rhyming scheme and watching my syllables. Let me know what you think.

Faded memories
and wasted fears
all I can hold
the rest of my years.
Your final gift,
my hallow tears.

On the road
you where my light.
Within your eyes
all was right.
Through the darkness
Your smile was bright.

But back home
your fire did die.
Now extinguised
by your lie.
Promise broken
this is good-bye.

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[Hannibal]

I really like your "finished" work. It's quite good. I like the original, but what you did with the later worked equally as well and gave it a more rounded out and explained subject, which I thought was good for it. *two thumbs up* this one I really liked. Maybe cuz i'm partial to Rhymes, but it flowed, and I liked it, the content, etc.
Good job

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As miserable as life may be I hold it pretty precious...

If I lose the light of the sun, I will write by candlelight, moonlight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I wil write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always, I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you.

[paige11]

i'm into rhymes myself, but it sounded a little forced, especially in the second stanza

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[Soiled Soul]

it was forced because i didnt believe the original 2nd and 3rd stanza didnt fit anymore (different perspective) but i actually really really like the new first and third stanza after playing with words for such a long time i think i refined my meaning made it more solid but as far as the second stanza i didnt like it much myself i am gonna rewrite the piece keeping the rhythm but losing the rhyme and see if it gets better or worse. but back to the point it was forced but i think it made it better except the second stanze in the next couple days ill have a new one for you tell me what you think.

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