lullabys

[honeyk]

nightly he slips under my skin
a feeling almost wicked
i love his silhouette in summer moonlight
the taste of his mouth
we dance in awkward rhythm
and murmer softly
but the music ends
and i am left
drunk and tingling

[Pixelina]

oh, yes i must say i know this feeling,
but i've never seen it so nicely described, i really do love it! i want to draw attention to my favorite lines, but i can't chose which ones, i guess because its nicely short

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[Hannibal]

Still chunky. However I like this one more than the other one. I think perhaps you should consult Rob *the king of side thoughts* on making some of those side thoughts like --I love the silouette blah blah--
the ending? nope, hated it. Drunk and tingling? They just don't work well together, for me at least.
Tingling sounds like a good sensation after something cool, but... drunk? it just didn't work.


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To hate is to show you still care, who needs that? Focus on what's really important.
The best revenge, is to survive yourself.

[rose]

well contrary to non partiers i liked the ending. i thought it went along perfectly and i too know the feeling. i really liked the wording. good job.
~a~

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[machinery]

okay, I want to really analyze this, because for me, this was well cooked in my eyes...lots of different (if different is the word) ideas brought to me...

the first line: nightly he slips under my skin

liked it - simply cos to me, it insinuates sex - and what an image I got from this...

the second line: the use of wicked didn't make sense to me, i think of this poem to be sensual, so wicked doesn't cut it for me --

the fourth: the taste of his mouth

liked it...instead of mentioning lips or kissing, you say the "taste of his mouth"
and I dig that, it's a different way to say something...

the last three lines caught me, almost as a haiku...I really liked the last line, cuz I have felt that numerous times, and damn you chris, I know you have too!

but anyways, I did enjoy this work, but there are always little quirks to fix...

just giving a little insight...



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[parch]

well, I was thinking basically what Rob just said, so act like I said it too.. all except the drunk part, which I liked, but I don't have that as a normal feeling. this poem has purpose and a message that seems to have caught some readers' attention. nice.

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I am my new Religion
I am my non Decision

[honeyk]

thanks for all the comments...they REALLY help! how about this...a second version. let me know what you think:

nightly he slips under my skin
a feeling almost wicked (for God must turn away)
i love his silhouette in summer moonlight
streaming through my open window
the taste of his mouth
soft but desperate
we dance in an awkward rhythm
to an inconsistant measure
he murmer softly in my hair
but the music ends
the moon goes down
and i am left
naked and tingling

[parch]

The ending is improved significantly with the addition of "but the music ends."

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by honeyk:

but the music ends
the moon goes down
and i am left
naked and tingling

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

The exchange of naked for drunk worked. The beginning seems cluttered now. It's like there's too much description when it used to just get to the point. "(for God must turn away)" is strange to read. The "wicked"ness bothers me. Maybe it's supposed to, but that whole line didn't set well w/ the poem. The ending seems more powerful now, but I find myself lost at the beginning. Glad you did revise. We should all do it more.
Keep posting.

___---parch


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I am my new Religion
I am my non Decision