Tanglewilde

[Generalkaos]

sky a dirty green touched
in places by yawning black which
switches sometimes for green confusing
us as to which is which they

said stars would fall tonight stream
like shining rain to silent earth dragging
tracers as will embers after
too too many mushrooms thwarted

we stand for a while comment
quietly on police cars across the street then
inside and on the sofa speaking
in quiet voices I try to
keep quiet laugh once or twice in

depthless black made sheerer by its incompleteness you
reach as if blind truly blind skate
rough fingerpads across my face I
am beautiful at last

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Fetch me my blue fright wig, that I may be handsome when I unleash my wrath.

[This message has been edited by Generalkaos (edited January 05, 2002).]

[Hannibal]

hehehe, it was probably intentionally done, but if you moved the last word of each previous line to the next it would've been a bit smoother.
I just didn't like the idea of placing the breaks where they were.
Didn't really emphasise anything in particular... when done to near every line.


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As miserable as life may be I hold it pretty precious...

If I lose the light of the sun, I will write by candlelight, moonlight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I wil write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always, I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you.
Word And Voice
Motocross Fanatics
General Philosophy

[Generalkaos]

I found it the best way to eliminate the passage of time in this piece and keep the lyric sensibility. Also, it's a kind of tribute to Merwin.

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Fetch me my blue fright wig, that I may be handsome when I unleash my wrath.

[rose]

contrary to han i thought thats what made it..i liked how u did that u made it constant. good work. good visuals.

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[Hannibal]

I have no idea who Merwin is.. so.. hehehe.. tribute away

------------------
As miserable as life may be I hold it pretty precious...

If I lose the light of the sun, I will write by candlelight, moonlight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I wil write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always, I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you.
Word And Voice
Motocross Fanatics
General Philosophy

[SHATOUSHKA]

i think the word 'sheerer' is obtuse.
but wtf do i know.

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~~share some greased tea with me~~
General Philosophy
Discuss This...
The Acropolis

[Generalkaos]

Yeah, I guess it is.

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Fetch me my blue fright wig, that I may be handsome when I unleash my wrath.

[rose]

well dont discouraged. keep posting here i like your stuff....

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[honeyk]

well i really liked this one...nice imagery...nice technique with the breaks (i got the whole eliminating time thing)...and the alliteration you used was great. i would love to read more of your stuff

[SHATOUSHKA]

i'm gonna go out on a limb here.
one of the things that i can really appreciate about any writer, is the ability to create something stagnant and complete without the use of punctuation.

a poem is always left to interpretation, however, the poem should never be misconstrued.
the general (tee hee) seems to have a handle for it, it seems; though not necessarily on this particular piece, there are times that i feel an adequate break of some sort should signal the reader of the author's intentions.
of course, it could be just the way i'm reading it.
although i would argue (as i'm sure the general may agree), there should be no misinterpretation of how one should feed.

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~~share some greased tea with me~~
General Philosophy
Discuss This...
The Acropolis