destruction

[Soiled Soul]

silver cans pile up
pieces of fiberglass soaked brown with tar
small pieces of plastic burned to goo
symbols of my imperfection surround me
every breath i take slowly kills me
tomatoes rot in a silver glow
i destroy myself as man destroys everything
a red eye glows above the trees
shouting we are everywhere and in everything
mother nature lies broken and crying in a dark cave and all i can do is lie beside her
i would blow california into the ocean
but it wouldnt matter
there is still Los Vegas
i am no better then myself


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[parch]

like the ending one more time...

last 4 lines kill

[Esoteria]

This is the first piece I've seen on the board that I've really felt I understood on the first read-through, which prompted several subsequent readings to catch the fully rythem and depth.

Personally, I really like it. I'm wondering, though, why don't you use any puncuation? It would help add emphasis to words you want to stand out, in my opinion (it's my personal favourite trick). I'm not recommending you add some, just trying to get an answer as to why. I'm kinda new to this genre.

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[Soiled Soul]

parch- thanks this was probably my fav of what i posted so far as far as the ending i had about 5 variations on the last 5 lines but this was the one i liked the most

esoteria- thanks for the comments i really like your work too, as far a puncuation i am new to writing my poems for other people to read so i know what rythm i want and where i space so the idea of putting that in is just kind of weird to me but with my stuff just treat the end of each line with a pause breath and read the next line they are suppose to be independent thoughts linked often on the board i use ... or - just because of spacing issues as the end of my line i dont know if that makes sense to you but read a couple of them i think youll get me

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