Obsolete

[Zeik Blaine]

dark nights describe my everyday life
epeatedly the last conscious one alive
wandering around the cool drifting nights
gazing to the dark above and beyond
thinking of that better life we all dream

thoughtless encounters throughout my life
meaning really nothing to me
making impact on my empty life
searching my whole life for compatible people
finding a handfull out of a crowd

empty feelings surge through my body
standing completely still
the fear has tickled my mind....again
but nothing like the past experiences
the fear awakens my senses

unbreakable fear brings the chills back
it strikes a major blow to my life
waking up to the call of reality
tired of waiting for fait to intervene
aware of the obvious

tearing down the walls of society
avoiding all materialistic values
building a new start from my fallen past
believing that there is a different way
setting my mind free

looking closer......

[Hannibal]

I liked the ending to this the best I think. The work itself was good.
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>unbreakable fear brings the chills back
it strikes a major blow to my life
waking up to the call of reality
tired of waiting for fait to intervene
aware of the obvious

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
This part confused me a little, the jump from fear, to reality? What was going on here, the transition seemed really cut and choppy. But this part set up the ending fairly well, just didn't quite get the transition.

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As miserable as life may be I hold it pretty precious...

If I lose the light of the sun, I will write by candlelight, moonlight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I wil write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always, I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you.

[Zeik Blaine]

I tried to show that the fear brought the feeling back and i was tired of the fact that is was going to be like that the rest of my life and i just woke up....well tried at least.....

[Hannibal]

Thanks for clearing that up.
Maybe work on smoothing those transitions out a bit more? An aspect to look at at least...

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As miserable as life may be I hold it pretty precious...

If I lose the light of the sun, I will write by candlelight, moonlight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I wil write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always, I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you.

[parch]

Zeiky-

I find it difficult to read some of your stuff because you seem so restrained by the way you write it. It says things, but it doesn't seem to say them to the full extent that it could. You dance around what you are saying (which I do a lot of in my replies).
I had to work my way thru the poem. I'd like to see more flow and less restraint. If you wanna say it, say it. If want to structure it, do it, but don't play around with words that are only cumbersome in the end.

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I am my new Religion
I am my non Decision

[Soiled Soul]

See parch I kinda like how Zeik writes. it actually helps me to understand a little more i think. I know he is holding back which means what he is saying and really personal shit that he cant otherwise toss out for anyone to read. this makes me try to relate to it more and i use my life to fill in the blanks, what he is leaving out. makes me feel the piece more.

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