new blond stare

[rose]

i like this. i would advise other readers to read it out loud...it gives it more. this is every girls dream on paper. to sit in class wondering if hes looking your way while u are nonchalantly looking his...i really like it. i havent pin pointed what it is that speaks to me...ill get back after reading it more.

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[machinery]

and there she was,

across the room -
as the instructor talked
and my pen moved,
I noticed (indeed I did)
this fair lady, with her features:
long blond over her cheeks
sparkling lips garaging her smile,
and those eyes pointing my way

so where to embark? ( I thought)
now not paying attention to a word
that was being said
by my instructor -
not like I would anyways,
but this is a far different situation.
Now my note-taking has turned to the back page sketch of her face.
One more look
and a snap of the neck
to the clock, and before I knew it,
the class was over --
My intentions now: walk slow, casual
and move in on this
warm-hearted beaut - walking by,
we yet again exchanged our glances
and did the quick updown
only for me to walk by her smiling
as I walked out of the room.

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[This message has been edited by machinery (edited August 23, 2001).]

[machinery]

this is a rough writing...get back to me on what you think of it...

thanks


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[Hannibal]

This I dig. I like the idea of "lips garaging a smile". It had wonderfull texture as I read it. I enjoyed the use of the side notes in ( ) as well. It went really well. Great work.

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[parch]

good work mister p. - i haven't seen yours in a while. i enjoyed the story structure all the way thru. what i found different was that nothing was jagged or bare. you used to rip into poetry and now it seems to come smooth and with slow waves. not sure if you get what i'm saying but anyway.. its different i think. i think your writing is maturing but i also think that the rip and tear you had before has its place.



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[machinery]

thanks ladies and gents....yeah, this was a real rough one,....i had actually wrote a pome in a long time....you know with all my prose (which I love dearly -hugskisses&allthesweetthings) but I thought I could my point across better with how I breaked it up....i originally had the last break as a paragraph, so it was kinda half pome, half prose...but it didnt seem to flow to my eyes or through my tongue movements....so....

do you think I should revise it any, or is it strong?

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[parch]

revise if you wish.. there's nothin that needs immediate fix or repair, but you can almost always improve a work if you really want to.



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