Bath Lotion

[lostmushi]

These senses make no sense,
It's like trying to drown water.
A stone is always alone,
That's why it hurts.

Rage in desperation,
New worlds on this planet.
I know what's eating me
Like rotten raw fish.

A good spiritual exercise
To desire something
You know you will never have.

Can I trust my heart?
Or will it betray me,
And drive me into the dark?

The dream that keeps us alive,
What do you want to realize?
Doesn't seem classical,
I am not holding it.

I feel like swimming
While it snows,
Further than I can see.
Taking back my island,
With the grass that once was me...

5 ~ 1 ~ '03

[sarafina mable]

"I feel like swimming
While it snows,
Further than I can see.
Taking back my island,
With the grass that once was me..."

this stanza is such a fantastic depiction!
i like this piece a lot, in general, (obviously this last part is my favorite) although i do feel like a lot of the stanza's don't necessary make good transitions to the next. almost as if some are completely random thoughts (which might be the intent). i would try to connect them in a manner that displayed their entire relevance (as a whole) to the reader.
this might be done by simply not seperating them in a 'stanza' form.

[lostmushi]

you're right, it's mostly just random thoughts that come in that order, most of them are linked though, but only in my head, lol

[sarafina mable]

i agree with that, a lot of times my goal of writing isn't simply to convey, but to make the connections in my head.
sometimes it feels to complicated to 'explain'.
you have some really great imagery in here though, and that really caught my attention.

[lostmushi]

imagery is my strong point, most people tell me that's what they like the most about it, cause it creates an atmosphere that's different for every poem, no need to totally understand what it's about...

i think there are only 2 people that can really understand all of my poems: me and my soulmate (and girlfriend )

[Hannibal]

I read this peice a lot, for the same reasons that other people have mentioned.
The reason I hadn't replied, was, that I was trying hard to figure out the connection.
Knowing now that there was no implication of connections, makes it better.
I agree, the atmosphere of the poem was done very nicely, and that descriptions are your strong point.
good work.
At least it got me reading it over and over [img]wink.gif[/img]
.
.
.
so who's this soulmate?
how long have you two been together?
spill!

[lostmushi]

her name is Lies...we've known each other for about 4 years now, and we slowly grew and came closer together, there's some good times and there's some bad times, but that' life, right now it's a bad time...

so whenever there's 'you' or 'her' in a poem, you know who it's about [img]wink.gif[/img]

[lostmushi]

here's a pic, maybe not so great but you can see enough...

[Hannibal]

Cute girl...
So it's a "bad" time eh?
What's her number?? hahaha
just kiddin.
Bad times suck, but the good makes up for it :-p
Love... an interesting topic that I'm definately not gonna talk on, but...
I hope the bad time ends soon :-d

[lostmushi]

me too...