infliction

[sarafina mable]

rub the fallen ash into the carpet and mash the filter to the glass
stretch your arms and wait for words to rush to the finger tips
let ink leak into the pages when waking struggles behind your lids
staple your heart twice and leave the candles burning even when she?s screaming
water the plants and call the doctor to test your blood
are you infected too?
walk the block to 4 buck cigarettes and smoke on the way back
steal some time to yourself and think of how he was able to hurt you
don?t remember laughing or holding
look and breathe
its ok to be unhappy
imagine adventure in another pair of arms stronger than you
be stronger inside them
blow out the candles long after she sleeps, like you always do
dream about leaving and capture the feeling
its ok to find happiness
put away the clothes hanging over the chair
call the doctor that tested your blood
does your infection feel permanent too?

[sarafina mable]

sorry about the double entry for this piece! oops [img]smile.gif[/img]
on another note, i know this piece is kinda strange, but i was just looking for some critique of it--so anything you have to say would be useful.

[Hannibal]

I dig it.
I had this "rythm" that I fell into while reading it.
It has some dark undertones, but I really like the way it's written. The first few lines I read - and reread, because the first line - i LOVED, and the rest seemed slightly "chunky" after that, but it gave the piece an overall appeal, and rythm that I don't think it would've gotten any other way.
Normally I dislike chunky pieces as they mess with my attention span and make me wanna skip stuff.
But you had the right ingredients here, and pulled off a "jumpy/chunky" peice, while keeping the reader (or at least me) interested in what was going on.
I like this one... *thumbs up*
nice work!