Seated

[Hannibal]

Concentration spewing forth
like the obnoxious perfume of the girl seated beside me
my infantely male mind can't decide
what should be the target of such concentration
my eyes seem to have already made their decision
Her shirt and jeans fitting her tall pseudo-athletic body
Upon her entrance her shirt screamed her shortcomings to the masses
Allowing her small unattractive pudge to peek out
and attempt to overtake her belt
nervous hands keep her fragile mind active
doodling and fiddling with her- ever so feminine- purple pen
Her thick broken toenails painted to only a womans perfection
While my best friend watches on intensely
But it is not him - an imposter indeed
From the hair to the nervous habits, he is Rob
The eyes to the smile to the body
But still she sits, staring at her pen
Class is beinning now yet i'm enthralled with her
and her pen.
Her lines on her paper reveal her personality
A much lower maintenance woman walks in
Blond as the purple pen
But much more confident and beautifull
Let class begin

[SHATOUSHKA]

wow hanny....

whadda friggin great piece

i really dig it [img]graemlins/thumbs_up.gif[/img]

[sarafina mable]

i am kind of torn with this piece. the description is wonderful and so vivid that i think i know this girl.
the thing that confuses me is the reference to your friend, why is he included? i read this a couple times trying to fit him and understand his purpose, but couldn't find one. (although perhaps i'm just tired right now [img]smile.gif[/img] )
is he as enthralled with the girl? is he ignoring her and oblivious to your fixation?
i think with just a few more lines this could be cleared up
but other than that, i think you did a great job on this piece.

[Hannibal]

I really don't know what my friend had to do with it.
Rob, if you happen to read this... there is a guy in my class, looks IDENTICAL to you. Same face, same chin pubes, same eyes, same hands, EVERYTHING!
I guess that's where he came into play, i was just lookin around the room, trying to avoid staring at this girl, and BAM there he was.
It wasn't him obviously... but so close to him.. it's uncanny.

[sarafina mable]

ok, now i understand where that was coming from. i was looking at the poem in a completely different light. you are describing it more as observations and spontaneous thought. i was picturing it more as just about the girl, so i was completely thrown off with the little interlude with the friend.
i still stick with what i said before that there needs to be a little more in order for the reader to catch that fully. b/c the detail is so great and so focused and then BAM you friend, then jumps to the girl then jumps to another girl. almost like you got tired of all the detail by the end of the poem.
if that could be carried through the whole poem i think it would flow alittle better.
thanks for the explaination too [img]smile.gif[/img]