Sterile

[Hannibal]

Just waiting for you to
Arrive
Never wanting anything other than to see you
Again.

Just waiting for you to
Articulate
Never wanting to leave you
Alone

Just wishing that for once we could
Agree
Never ending thoughts of bliss and what could've been
Arise

Just want to make it stop so I can
Accept
Never letting you go
Again

[machinery]

the idea of structure is there,
which i like. i'm a structure
freak.

but, there is too much jutting.
with this particular structure,
you've chosen conciseness,
which brings us to the odd-numbered
lines. it's the typewriter effect;
you want to hear the ding.

but, enjambment is the key.
whip that fucker around on words
that apprehend us, that spark us,
words that make you want to carry on,
follow on down to the next word. hook
us.

and question(s)?:

why did you use again twice?

and why is there a significent abscence of commas, semi-colons and what-have-yous?

***

that's what i got. I keep reading it. But you know how i love revisions. See if what I said helped. And it's good to be back. Fall is here.

[Hannibal]

Originally posted by machinery:
the idea of structure is there,
which i like. i'm a structure
freak.

but, there is too much jutting.
with this particular structure,
you've chosen conciseness,
which brings us to the odd-numbered
lines. it's the typewriter effect;
you want to hear the ding.

but, enjambment is the key.
whip that fucker around on words
that apprehend us, that spark us,
words that make you want to carry on,
follow on down to the next word. hook
us.

and question(s)?:

why did you use again twice?

and why is there a significent abscence of commas, semi-colons and what-have-yous?

***

that's what i got. I keep reading it. But you know how i love revisions. See if what I said helped. And it's good to be back. Fall is here.

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I like what you said. At first I was like "wtf is he talking about.." then I read Kalyope's peice...
and it kinda 'clicked' if you will, I think I understand what you mean a little better.

This was just a quickly thrown together peice at best..and holds only some sense of being important for one reason. Which is spelled out in the poem, but not blatantly obvious. Basically I wrote it about someone - obviously, but it was quick, and shottily put together.

I'll try to incorporate some of your ideas in any revisions, and into future works.