No Title (yet)

[lostmushi]

The heart of my mountain
I always tried to find.
The muffled screams in fashion
From frustration and fright.

The only picture of you
Always behind my eyes.
Thinner, impossible to burn
And never to forget.

Cold cream ruby,
Frozen feet,
Get back to memory.

Let me be
My ever hot ocean.
A place I can always take you
Loving as much as I do.

Window walls,
Slowly fainting.
The pressure of my emotions
Will free me,
Eventually...

19 ~ 2 ~ '04

[lostmushi]

something i just came up with right now:

"Why do we laugh when angels are dying and demons are crying?"

[Hannibal]

I really like some of the lines of this peice..
But to me it felt like there wasn't enough to grab ahold of to get a solid image in my head...

The only picture of you
Always behind my eyes..

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I imagine that you're talking about memory? I really like these lines. Behind my eyes.. that part brings about a sensation I enjoy.
.
but the break in between each part of the poem, seems too much. Like, the ideas don't fit for me.. As if it's missing something tying all these lines together.
Just seems really cryptic.
Which is good - but can be bad - as it makes it hard for the reader to "understand" a peice I think...
*shrugs*
Just my opinion... and I surely have no background in poetry. :-p [img]smile.gif[/img]

[sarafina mable]

this piece is a little stitched together in an odd fashion, and i agree that the connection between the stanza's doesn't seem particularly clear, but i do like a lot of the individiual parts of this:

"The heart of my mountain
I always tried to find."
--i like this idea, of your own moutain, kind of like your own universe.


"Let me be
My ever hot ocean."
-- this lost me a little here, i have no clue how to interpret your 'ever hot ocean'

"window walls"
--this image is great, walls you can see through, but it doesn't change their presence and actions of keeping things in, and keeping things out.

"The pressure of my emotions
Will free me,
Eventually..."
-- this idea also caught my attention, feels bottled up- filled with emotions, waiting to bust open in a way. this displays the 'frustration' from the beginning of the piece.
i don't like the piece ending with 'eventually', its a good concept, but i would choose a synonym of sorts. eventually seems so predictable.

[lostmushi]

Originally posted by Hannibal **..Sin Debris..**:
I really like some of the lines of this peice..
But to me it felt like there wasn't enough to grab ahold of to get a solid image in my head...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">The only picture of you
Always behind my eyes..

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I imagine that you're talking about memory? I really like these lines. Behind my eyes.. that part brings about a sensation I enjoy.
.
but the break in between each part of the poem, seems too much. Like, the ideas don't fit for me.. As if it's missing something tying all these lines together.
Just seems really cryptic.
Which is good - but can be bad - as it makes it hard for the reader to "understand" a peice I think...
*shrugs*
Just my opinion... and I surely have no background in poetry. :-p [img]smile.gif[/img] </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">lol, i don't have a background in poetry either...but i am a cryptic person... [img]tongue.gif[/img]