Joke Thread

[Aunt Bee]

Subject: Air Repair

Aircraft Maintenance Problems and Solutions: Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as "squawks," submitted by QANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had a fatal accident.

P [in list below means] - The problem logged by the pilot.

S [in the list below means] - The solution and action taken by the engineers

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>> >
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.

S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

>> >
P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.

S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

>> >
P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.
>> >

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on backorder.

>> >
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.


S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

>> >
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

S: Evidence removed.

>> >
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

>> >
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick

S: That's what they're there for!

>> >
P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

>> >
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.

S: Suspect you're right.
>> >
P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

>> >
P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
>> >
P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.
>> >
P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed

[Aunt Bee]

GWB & The Queen

Heathrow Airport outside of London, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and Mr. Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white matching horses.

As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well.

But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of colonic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands.

It shakes the coach. Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous.

She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets....I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."

George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought......You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses."

[The Jokester]

SADDAM HUSSEIN AND GEORGE W. BUSH MEET UP IN BAGHDAD FOR THE FIRST ROUND OF TALKS IN A NEW PEACE PROCESS. WHEN BUSH SITS DOWN, HE NOTICES THREE BUTTONS ON THE SIDE OF SADDAM'S CHAIR.

THEY BEGIN TALKING. AFTER ABOUT FIVE MINUTES SADDAM PRESSES THE FIRST BUTTON. A BOXING GLOVE SPRINGS OUT OF A BOX ON THE DESK AND PUNCHES BUSH IN THE FACE.

CONFUSED, BUSH CARRIES ON TALKING AS SADDAM LAUGHS.

A FEW MINUTES LATER THE SECOND BUTTON IS PRESSED. THIS TIME A BIG BOOT COMES OUT AND KICKS BUSH IN THE SHIN. AGAIN SADDAM LAUGHS, AND AGAIN BUSH CARRIES ON TALKING, NOT WANTING TO PUT OFF THE BIGGER ISSUE OF PEACE BETWEEN THE TWO COUNTRIES.

BUT WHEN THE THIRD BUTTON IS PRESSED AND ANOTHER BOOT COMES OUT AND KICKS BUSH IN THE PRIVATES, HE'S FINALLY HAD ENOUGH, KNOWING THAT HE CAN'T DO MUCH WITHOUT THEM FUNCTIONING WELL. "I'M GOING BACK HOME!" HE TELLS THE IRAQI. "WE'LL FINISH THESE TALKS IN TWO WEEKS!"

A FORTNIGHT PASSES AND SADDAM FLIES TO THE UNITED STATES FOR TALKS. AS THE TWO MEN SIT DOWN, HUSSEIN NOTICES THREE BUTTONS ON BUSH?S CHAIR AND PREPARES HIMSELF FOR THE YANK'S REVENGE.

THEY BEGIN TALKING AND GEORGE PRESSES THE FIRST BUTTON. SADDAM DUCKS, BUT NOTHING HAPPENS. BUSH SNICKERS. A FEW SECONDS LATER HE PRESSES THE SECOND BUTTON. SADDAM JUMPS UP, BUT AGAIN NOTHING HAPPENS. BUSH ROARS WITH LAUGHTER. WHEN THE THIRD BUTTON IS PRESSED, SADDAM JUMPS UP AGAIN, AND AGAIN NOTHING HAPPENS. BUSH FALLS ON THE FLOOR IN A FIT OF HYSTERICS.

"FORGET THIS," SAYS SADDAM. "I'M GOING BACK TO BAGHDAD!"

BUSH SAYS THROUGH TEARS OF LAUGHTER, "WHAT BAGHDAD?"

[Pammy]

An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went.

Forlornly, she searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog. As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, "I'm lonely too, buy me and you won't be sorry." The old lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car.

Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, "Kiss me, you won't be sorry." So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog.

Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince.

Then the prince kissed her back, guess what the old lady turned into?

.

.

.

.

The first motel she could find------- (She's old, not dead)

[img]wink.gif[/img]

[Pammy]

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honour. What are you guys doing here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III." And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one blonde with big tits.
"The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?" Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says,
"See smart ass, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

[Peter Errington]

Supposedly this actually happened.

An elementary school teacher was reading the story of the three little pigs to her class. She came to the part where the pigs were building their house out of straw. She said, "and then a man came along with a wheelbarrow full of straw. One of the pigs asked the man for some of his straw. And children, what do you suppose the man said?"

A little boy answered, "Holy shit! A talking pig!"

[Pammy]

7 REASONS TO CRAWL UNDER A ROCK AND DIE

1. CURL UP AND DIE........I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" - Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin TX

2. PAD PLEASE.......... An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest. - Kate Newman, 46, Winston-Salem, NC

3. HO, HO, HO............. I was taking a shower when my 2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera! - Name Withheld

4. LADY GOLFER................ I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type Ihad been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." - Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI

5. NUTS ABOUT YOU............My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. - Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD

6. PRICELESS.............A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear,"PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

7. MOM'S ADVICE......... A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his privates hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your Mom. "she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out til noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

[Morbius]

Teach me to skip a thread. Those were great.

Coupla oldies I've run before but they're my favorites. Shut your eyes Bee.

Fella with a job to offer has two equally qualified candidates but decides to have some fun. One guy is a college grad the other a HS dropout. Deal is they have to write a poem including Timbuktu by tomorrow and the best poem wins the job.

Grad poem: "Blazing sun, burning sands, Arabs in a caravan. Laden camels two by two--destination Timbuktu.

Dropout poem: "Me and Tim to camp we went. Met three girls in a tent. Since they were one and were two I bucked one and Tim bucked two."

On personal review, think I've run the The Dogs They Had A Party poem too many times. nevermind.

[Aunt Bee]

An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town,
when a highway patrol officer stopped her.
"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer.
"I just wanted to warn you that the reflector
on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee", replied the Amish lady.
"I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer,
"I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles.
Some people might consider this cruelty to animals,
so you should have your husband check that too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home."

True to her word when the Amish lady got home,
she told her husband about the broken reflector,
and he said he would put a new one on immediately.

"Also," said the Amish woman,
"The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."