LAUGH!!!!!!!!

[Moby]

I love this......*L*Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing you bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breast. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breast are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry; Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Sweetheart: <logged off>



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((((((MOBY))))))

Yesterday's History....Tomorrow's Mystery

Mobyville

[Moby]

Here's another.
If you've got some.
Post em.


Two Kiwi's are working on a Building site in Auckland.
Phul (Phil) & Muck (Mick). Anyway Phul turns to Muck &
says "Cawww I've gotta take a piss, but theres no
where to go, eh "Walk out to the ind of thit plank"
replys Muck "I'll stand on this ind & balance ut"
"Are You sure Muck ?" "Yis, no worries" "100 % ?"
"YIS !"
So out goes Phul to take a piss & the lunch siren sounds, Muck forgets what
he's supposed to be doing & steps off the plank & Phul is a goner.
Several days later an Australian, a Frenchman & a bloke from IN ZID (New
Zealand) are sitting in a Bar discussing which of their respective nations
chase women the hardest...
Wazza the aussie says "Mate I've been known to miss a piss up session down
the Pub with me mates so I can try and crack on to sheila's !"
Pierre, the Frenchman says "No, No, No, Ve French
chase ze women with much zest & give them gifts of
love like french champagne to win their affection, it
is us vor sure"
Meanwhile Bob (the Kiwi) sits laughing & says "No, You
blokes are both wrong, the other days I was walking
past a Building site in Auckland following these 2
gorgeous looking Birds, and this bloke came
plummetting from the sky with his dick in his hand
screaming
"CUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTT!!!"



------------------
((((((MOBY))))))

Yesterday's History....Tomorrow's Mystery

Mobyville

[~((resonance))~]

click here

[Blanca]

MOBY, that is too funny.....where'd ya get that????....*LMFAO*

[Moby]

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt.hon.Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
"vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task
1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one
kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.

You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at
least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.


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((((((MOBY))))))

Yesterday's History....Tomorrow's Mystery

Mobyville

[Moby]

[Moby]

Cool....I found a backlash.


A Compromise For The UK

To the pantywaste pseudo-monarch of the British Isles:

In light of your recent declaration of governmental rule over the USA, we feel it is necessary to amend your proposal in favor of both
nations. Bear in mind that we have no reservations against Queen
Elizabeth II. It's that incestial loser of a son that we fear. The only thing the people of the United States have in common with him is the fact that we didn't care much for Diana either.


The following alterations and accompaniments to your rules will be as
follows:


1. Elton John will no longer be allowed to perform in public, private, prison, or on television (or "the tele," for you non-US English speakers). This may be a bit of a shock coming from a nation that knows little about music. We are aware that American music is primarily garbage (ex: Eminem, Backstreet Boys) but you need to remember that you were the ones to produce the Spice Girls. 'nuff said.

2. All states below the Manson-Nixon line are yours, along with a few above such as Delaware and the Dakotas. Since you don't want Utah, I guess that will be where we put all the surviving French and Quebecois (I'll bet you didn't even know the spelling of that last
one). Fraternizing among the Utah residents is punishable by immediate sterilization. The south should provide fashion comfort, since it is one of the rare places on this beautiful earth that features residents with fewer teeth than the inhabitants of the entire UK.

3. We already know how to pronounce aluminium. Over here, there is no such thing. We have plenty of aluminum, though. While you are coping with that, learn how to pronounce "vitamin". It should be easy, it's even spelled the same over there.

4. We currently drive more German cars than you do. We used to drive one of YOUR lame-ass cars, but that has ceased since Ford purchased Jaguar. After being built in the US, even you Brits are forced to admit that it is a slight improvement. Before you become critical of our trucks, look around and find a British truck that is slightly comparable to any of ours. Better yet, try to find ANY British trucks!

5. We know your beer is better than ours. Let it be.

6. Take Yoko Ono back to Japan for us. Please.

7. July 4th is a fine holiday. You should find it ironic that your
biggest national holiday is in celebration of a failed attempt at
assassinating the King. Is it really something to celebrate?

8. American football will go as soon as you stop playing cricket. Any sport that includes rubbing the game ball across one's genitals (it's true! look it up if you don't believe me) is questionable and
considerably more "sissy" than our version of football.

9. Lee Harvey Oswald killed JFK. Everyone here has known that for 36 years. News must travel slower than Guiness in Britain.

I'm sure that if everyone can agree to these rules, the transition of
British authority onto the southern states should be a smooth one. Watch out, though. Texas has the largest army of armored pickup trucks in the world and should provide some resistance. That shouldn't be any concern for you, though. The beefeaters with their fuzzy pope-hats can take on scores of drunk rednecks, all without smiling.

Thank you for your cooperation.

-Andy

[Moby]

The Lost Dr Seuss Poem

I Love My Job!

I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.

I love my office and its location, I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and grey, and piles of paper that grow each day!
I think my job is really swell, there's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers, I love their leers, and jeers, and sneers.
I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it won't care. I love each program and every file.
I'd love them more if they worked a while.

I'm happy to be here. I am. I am.
I'm the happiest slave of the Firm, I am.
I love this work, I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my job - I'll say it again - I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who've come today,
In clean white coats to take me away!!!!!




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((((((MOBY))))))

Yesterday's History....Tomorrow's Mystery

Mobyville

[~((resonance))~]

heheee... I've read that one before... it funny *G*

------------------
....constanly listening to the sound of life....surfing on sound waves and smiling bright...


The Sonic Lounge &lt;--- please visit my message board...it needs some spice!

~electronic BASSment~ &lt;--- My NEW message board! Stop by to see what its all about!

[Moby]

FROM: Pat Smith, HR Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1


I'm happy to inform you that the office Christmas Party will take place on
December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit
Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band
playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be
surprised if our General Manager shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

FROM: Pat Smith, HR Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party


In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on
we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees
who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?

FROM: Pat Smith, HR Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party


Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,"AA
Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle
this? Somebody?

FROM: Pat Smith, HR Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party


What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and intimacy
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate
how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees
beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end
of the party, or else package everything for take-home in little foil
swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters
Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will
get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?

FROM: Pat Smith, HR Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party


So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a
tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning
of sage by our "earth-based Goddess worshipping" employees, but we'll try
to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.
Okay???

FROM: Pat Smith, HR Director
DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday Party


People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our principal
dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to
be Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red
suit. "It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family
feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.
Could we lighten up?

FROM: Pat Smith, HR Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party Vegetarians!?!?!?


I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at uigi's
Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at
the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it,
and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponics
tomatoes...but you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you
slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now!

FROM: Karen Jones, Acting HR Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Smith and Holiday Party


I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Smith a speedy recovery from
her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her
at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our
Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full
pay.

Happy Chanuk-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas

HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY!


------------------
((((((MOBY))))))

Yesterday's History....Tomorrow's Mystery

Mobyville