Did You Just Laugh?

[ellanoize]

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together. Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over. The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, Nope, aint Bubba. The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, Yup, hes pretty well burnt up. Roll him over. The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, No, it aint Bubba. The mortician asked, How can you tell? Gomer said, Well, Bubba had two assholes. What? He had two assholes? said the mortician. Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, Here comes Bubba with them two assholes

[ellanoize]

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia
'Aha!' mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. 'Aha!' said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.
The doctor said, 'How does that feel now?'
The midget replied, 'Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?'
The doctor replied 'I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.'

[ellanoize]

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men. That night all three women decide to wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days the meet again to compare notes...

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos, and a mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you...' and then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, a mask over my eyes, and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night. I got myself ready. Leather bodice, super stilettos, and a mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the television remote, a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman! What's for dinner?'

[cherrysmum]

these always make me laugh....

[ellanoize]

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD


HOPE THIS MAKES YOU SMILE

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD...
Well, it's shit... That's right, shit!

Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.


You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
And tell others to eat shit.


Some people know their shit , while others can't tell the difference
Between shit and shin ola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits.
There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit,
Shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.


You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig inshit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
And some days are just plain shitty.


Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit,
And there are times when you feel like shit.


You can have too much shit, not enough shit,
The right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit,
Or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.


Sometimes your breath smells like shit
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit
And other times you fall in a bucket of shit
And come out smelling like a rose.


When you stop to consider all the facts,
it' s the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit,
You don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit;
Or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go.

Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit
And hope you had a nice day without a bunch of shit.

But, if you happened to catch a load of shit
From some shit-head...........
Well, Shit Happens!!!

HOPE YOUR SHITTY DAYS ARE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN

[ellanoize]

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, ?Daddy, look at this,? and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, ?Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,? pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, ?What's wrong, honey??

She replied, ?What happened to my booger??

[ellanoize]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked. 'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked. 'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Long legs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying 'Well, we're not having any of that brokeback mountain shit in our garden.'

Brings a tear to your eye...doesn't it?

[cherrysmum]

Out of the mouths of babes..LOL