how I made my millions -- jack edwards

[swing]

I'm Mr. Money Machine
And I'm steady lookin for two women I can come in between
I point 'em out like her, her, that girl with the mouth
plus you and your friends



Brush my shoulder and I, pop my collar
Cause I'm worth a million ga-zillion fa-fillion dollars

Jack Edwards was the epitome of Imperialism -- completely on terms with his lust to divide and conquer. A multi-million dollar mogul that wanted nothing more than to consolidate a pile of designer clothes in your bedroom, had a pair of bruising hips and a penchant for biting lips. He wore charm like cologne -- just enough to be overwhelming and he'd be sure to sweep you off your feet before you hit the floor. A modern day James Bond whose espionage only went as far as discovering the color of your knickers -- he was the kind of man who made you give and give until he got what he wanted; and he always got what he wanted.

<font color="#000000" size="1">[ March 18, 2005 11:30 PM: Message edited by: secondhand bruises ]</font>

[swing]

Aight, get your ass out my bed I'm through playin
You wanna stay the night - what the hell is you sayin?
I ain't tryin to come across to you as inconsiderate
But momma always said if you don't love it then get rid of it
You really wanna know the secret to this white pimpin?
Though I might love 'em, I don't really like women



"All men of universe have one; a nasty little habit or vice that they simply cannot help but indulge in. Some men like leaving the toilet seat up, or collecting women's undergarments, some men like watching sports shows, or tormenting small animals. I, however, simply enjoy women. This isn't to say that my habit is in any way little or nasty; in fact, it's quite the opposite. Yet, it is a vice which does consume most of my time.

I was blessed, you see, with this uncanny ability to read women. That is, I give them what they want. Now, I know that it might be easy to suggest that this is a basic skill that all men possess; that statement simply isn't true. Say, for instance, a woman mentions that she enjoys spending her Sunday afternoon reading. What she is saying, is that she would love to be read on a Sunday afternoon. Over and over and over again.

Not all women are that blatant, some enjoy games of cat and mouse. It really all depends on how the conversation is started. Women will say that they enjoy a kind-hearted man who is compassionate, when they really enjoy the insensitive bastard. The truth is, every woman enjoys a good fight now and again, which is just one of the many services I offer.

Now, someone might ask, 'Why the manifesto Jack?' The answer to this is very simple. In recent magazines, and I won't name any names, I have been labeled affectionately as what the media calls a 'sleazeball.' Well, the media is a collective whore who gives it up to the highest bidder I'm afraid. Just because my face is not plastered on magazines with some Hollywood socialite, does not make me in any way sleazy. Do I run a harem disguised as a mansion for nude modeling? No. Do I offer up my dates to other men? No. Do I have any pornographic videos circulating via the internet or any other media outlet?
No. Though, for some reason, because I enjoy dating various women, that makes me a bad person. I apologize if I simply enjoy trying new things. I also apologize if I am blessed with a gift that others are not. Jealousy is a very ugly color.

I am willing to admit that I have a slight addiction to the female race, but one simply cannot help but admire every aspect that is the essence of woman. I for one, am an adamant advocate for the expression of femininity. I believe a woman has a right to do whatever she'd like with her body. Some might call that objectification, but I call that worship."

[swing]

Morning filtered sideways in traffic smog lines and sunshine through the slant of curtains, still left slack from the night before. The dead sleep of an emperor was wearing off by the faint flutter of eyes?Jack felt first a breeze, which seemed to settle in swoops along his ribs but didn?t bother to acknowledge it. Eyes lazily pried themselves half open as irises slid to their slants in order to gauge whether or not he had left the balcony doors open. A brunette who seemed to be contemplating the angle of his shoulder rather heavily blockaded his vision however, causing his eyes to snap shut almost instantaneously. If he waited a minute or two, the mirage would disappear and he could go about his day in relative peace. It then became evident to him that the wind was nothing more than fingers on his skin, tracing eloquent script that would?ve looked sloppy on paper. He heaved out a sigh before eyes flew open towards the ceiling.
?What time is it??

He batted her hand away as it tried to smooth over his shoulder. The woman pouted and tangled fingers in her hair before shifting to read the watch on the table beside her.

?It?s ten thirty, why??

His normally languid rise from bed was stilted and swift, pants were drawn on before he glared at her over his shoulder.

?Then why are you still here??

?It?s Sunday?? The woman turned kittenish and sprawled herself across his former place in it. ?I don?t have to work and I thought maybe we could spend the day?..?

Her words were all together tuned out as he reached for his cell phone in order to check for messages. The third time he heard his name, he turned back to her with an apologetic grin.

?Listen, Miranda??

?Bridgett.?

?Bridgett, that?s what I said. ? His look turned sharp a moment before he flipped his phone shut. ?Do you know of the eight a.m. rule??

?No??

?That?s where you?re gone by eight a.m. so that I can have my breakfast. I?m a terrible person without it.?

Bridgett?s jaw immediately dropped when he said that, and he let out another sigh before brushing her forehead with a sympathy kiss. She was temporarily blinded by the affection, which was why she didn?t notice when he was ushering her out of bed and into her clothes.

?But Jack! I??

?Sh, I have calls and appointments today. I?ll call you sometime later this week and we?ll have dinner, how is that??

?No, Ja??

?Here, let me help you get your clothes. It?s the least I could do, I helped you out of them.?
The whole ordeal lasted longer than he would?ve liked, she was nearly clawing at him on the way out. Soon she found herself in the hallway, shoes in hand and appearance disheveled. Jack had made five steps from the door when she began to pound on it.

?Jack! My purse!?

The purse was thrust out the door with little bravado, while he punched in numbers with the other hand.

?Hello darling, are we still on for tonight? Excellent.?

[swing]

Before Lorenzo had reached his office, he already knew what was coming. The secretary had the dazed flush that could only have come from one of his premiere clients. Fingers traipsed along her desk before tapping sharply to startle her?causing her fingers to nearly rip out the curls they had been tangled in. He offered a faintly amused smile, rather than apologetic before tilting his wrist to look over the face of the watch that rested there when he spoke.

?How long has he been here??

?Oh I??

?Never mind.? Lorenzo let the word out through a sigh as a hand rose to cut her off before it collided with his office door, to find the man of the hour settled in his chair. He cleared his throat and straightened his cufflinks before speaking again. ?So, what trouble have you gotten into this time, Jack.?

Jack rose from the chair when Lorenzo had drawn in a breath, already grinning from ear to ear in the wolfish manner that made Lorenzo inwardly cringe. ?Oh, nothing you can?t handle. Speaking of, since when did you let your office get so messy??

?What?s her name?? Lorenzo?s hands clasped together rather than gripping the phone to make the necessary calls, choosing to ignore his comment about the office.

?Her name..? Jack reached into the inside pocket of his suit jacket to pull out an airline ticket. ?Is Madrid.?

--

Vibrant color passed on the skirts of flamenco dancers, who spun like lackadaisical tops around their table. The city was alive with this certain kind of heat that turned even simple creatures into passionate beings. Side by side the designer duo sat with their coffee settled on saucers and papers weighted between them by a roll of silverware. Jack watched the women spin and clap down their castanets before turning to look through shaded lenses at Lorenzo who was oblivious to the storm cloud of questions forming overhead.

?How is Sheila??

?Who??

?Sheila.? His accent drew the words out the way his fingers did when they accentuated the curves of the woman?s name.

?Fine I guess. ? Lorenzo gave a shrug. ?Why, are you going to tell me about your bedside conversation with her??

The smirk on his face was slightly spiteful?Jack and he were like two lions fighting for the same pride.

?Me? Of course not! I wouldn?t ask if I already knew about her.? Jack gave him an incredulous look before lighting a cigarette.

?Yeah, I haven?t seen her in a while.? He reached to pick up his coffee, unaffected, before taking a sip and starting again. ?I?ve been sort of seeing Angela.?

?Really?? The surprised sound of his voice was drawn in with a wisp of smoke before it all dissolved again.

?Really? That?s all you have to say? This is Angela. The Angela.?

The Angela, yes, Jack remembered. The woman who wouldn?t give either one of them the time of day simply because she was beautiful and knew it. It was surprising what a little cunning could do.

?Hm.?

?You?re distracted and I know it?s not by what?s on the menu.? Lorenzo chuckled the words out before taking a look around at the current company which he was referring to.

?I?m going to have a party, Lorenzo. I want it to be something that?s never been done, something that can?t be rivaled.?

?That?s what you said about New Year?s, and Christmas, and??

?No, no.? Jack waved the smoke away from the both of them before turning to face the table fully. ?This has to be perfect.?

?You?.? Lorenzo?s speech was slow as he turned back to the table as well, weighing his words as if they all held some great meaning. ?You?re not??

?Goddamnit man! Are you daft?!? Jack?s hand slammed down at the table as he shouted loud enough to clear the pigeons from the nearby court. ?Have you forgotten who I am??

?No, my paycheck clearly states your name as Jack Edwards.?

?Exactly, and as Jack Edwards, I am not to be outdone or outshone.? His posture straightened as he spoke with the utmost sincerity. ?Therefore, this party must be envied, I want it in every paper.?

?I thought you didn?t like publicity??

?Let?s just say I had an epiphany at my window the other day.?

[swing]

Jack Edwards may have been nominated as the most eligible bachelor, but he?s definitely a hard fish to catch. Between maintaining his half of Edwards & Price and his ?side project on the social scene,? the Scorpio, he barely has a minute to spare. When your net worth is somewhere between Bill Gates and Oprah Winfrey, it?s for good reason. However, he did take the time to treat me to dinner while I gave him the third degree on his latest plot.

Verra White: Rumor has it, you?re planning something big for the thirty-first.
Jack Edwards: (laughs.) Rumor has it correct.

VW: What?s this all about?
JE: It?s a chance for everyone to give back to the community and have a good time. Several charities will be benefiting from the party, mainly for women who?ve been abused or lost their homes.

VW: Who is invited?
JE: Well, due to building regulations, it will be an invitation party but everyone is welcome to donate.

VW: What can we expect from this party that hasn?t been done in Jack-fashion before?
JE: (laughs.) Funny you should mention, it?s going to be a masquerade. I don?t believe I?ve ever thrown a costume party on Halloween before.

VW: Okay, I have to ask.. Are you bringing anyone special?
JE: Besides you, darling?

VW: I?ll be looking for my invitation. Aside from the party, what other surprises do you have in store?
JE: Now, if I told you that, they wouldn?t be surprises. (laughs) I?ll be good after this, I promise.
VW: It looks like you?re on the right track. You?ve been out of the papers for quite some time, any reason?
JE: I thought the allure might be good for my publicity. Really though, I?ve just been terribly busy with my projects. C?est la vie, as they say.

VW: It?s been speculated that you?ve taken on your extra projects because of the death of Giselle Hoffman, do you have a response?
JE: It?s not because of that.

VW: She was your wife, was she not?
JE: Yes. (long pause) It?s?still a very fresh thing in my mind.

VW: The affair?
JE: The affair and the accident, yes.

VW: How do you feel about the entire ordeal, five years after?
JE: I?m still recovering. It?s a process when you lose someone that you love that devoutly.

VW: You seem to be doing very well.
JE: Thank you, that means a lot to me.

[swing]

?She ruined my dinner you know.?

Jack had a habit of making crucial points while Lorenzo was in the middle of paperwork, it shuffled on his desk before he even bothered to look up at the pacing maniac of a client.

?Really, and what was her name again??

?That?s not really important is it? What?s important is th??

?So, are you mad that she ruined your dinner or???

Jack?s face faulted almost immediately as hands were shoved into pockets.

?Of course I?m bloody mad!?

Lorenzo just gave him a look, before going back to his papers while mouthing the word, ?Okay.?

?You aren?t suggesting what I think you are, are you??

Jack?s eyes narrowed as he finally sunk into a chair across the desk. Lorenzo leaned back and steepled his fingers before heaving a sigh.

?Yes. That?s exactly what I?m suggesting.?

?Now I know what you are my lawyer.? Jack nodded slowly as if he had just had a great epiphany.

?Why?s that??

?You?re full of shit!?

Lorenzo?s hands fell as one pointed a finger at Jack. ?That?s exactly what I?m talking about! You?ve got, dare I say, a crush on her. Like a five year old, really Jack.?

Jack rolled his eyes. ?Please. I crush on a lot of women, I don?t see why this is any different.? His hand waved through the air to dismiss the accusations.

?One, you?re about oh, three hundred pounds underweight to be Big Pun. Two, you remember her name. ?

?I remember plenty of names.? Jack was adjusting the cuffs of his sleeves as he spoke. ?It?s just a matter of cat and mouse really.?

?Yeah, but who?s the cat, Jack??

?I am, of course. Don?t be stupid.?

[swing]

I know what you're thinking, "why in the bloody hell are you in her bed? That woman tried to ruin your life!" It's true, I suppose. However, that key word tried is what you ought to focus on. Besides... She apologized.

Several times, but I digress?

I'm rather glad that she's going off to have breakfast with whoever she said. I really can't stand staying in the same clothes longer than the car ride back to my apartment. I'm half awake and buttoning my shirt in a slow manner, partially because I know that when I smirk for reasons unknown she's going to at least pay me the curteousy of looking.

The reasons? Oh, they're quite obvious if you're looking for them. Small bruises along her collar that are going to be quite difficult to hide from the general public. I really don't enjoy leaving marks, but for her I had to make an exception. I'm vindictive, I'll admit but really? It's a small price to pay for her behavior the night before.

Jack Edwards is not to be outdone. Ever.

Which is why I've said nothing to her. I suppose I could've complimented her on being a rather good shag, but why flatter? It's better if I keep her guessing and besides, I'd have to take it back anyway. We can't have women thinking they have the upper hand can we? Especially this one; Estella is about as charming as a king cobra. Make no mistake.

The longer I am awake, the more vivid my memory becomes. Isn't there some cliche that explains one shouldn't get angry, just get even? Well, if not, there should be and I intend to exact my revenge sometime soon. Which is why I've draped my blazer over my arm with another grin--I'm sure she thinks I'm gloating.

I am.

However, the reason why has nothing to do with what she's thinking. I'm gloating because I have her knickers in my jacket pocket. That's the advantage of making this a sport-- you learn a certain type of stealth that very few can exact. The lightest sleeper in the world couldn't catch me. Were I arrogant, I might turn to stealing things far more precious, like jewels.

I've definitely stayed too long for my liking and instead of kissing her goodbye or offering to walk her out, I stride to the door on my own. I pause briefly if only because I think she deserves some kind of conversation--lucky me she's not a chatterbox however. I really loathe women who talk too much, it makes them severely unattractive.

"I'll see you again."

She ought to count on it.

[swing]

"Why is it, that every time I come in here you've got your..." Lorenzo crossed to shove Jack's feet off of his desk. "Expensively muddy shoes all over my cases?"

"Why is it, that you never return my calls?" Jack's eyebrow arched high as he pressed a hand to his chest. "I'm beginning to think you're not quite fond of me, anymore. Doesn't our relationship mean anything to you?"

"Of course it does." Lorenzo smirked and pulled a pen out of his pocket. "When you're signing over my fee."

"Ah, yes, your fee I'd nearly forgotten that I pay you anything. I really thought you just enjoyed my company."

"I'd look awful in a skirt Jack, so I'm afraid my services aren't free." Lorenzo paused and dropped the pen on his desk. "Speaking of, who was that at your party?"

Jack had plucked up the pen, but already his knuckles bled white. "That, was none of your business."
"Oh? Hm. Too bad, she was a real--"

"Yes, well. I've already handled that issue." Jack pulled out his checkbook and scrawled his name across a paper face before agitatedly ripping it out and handing it off.

"Oh really, let me guess. You took her to som--"

"Actually," Jack capped the pen as he spoke, and rose with the pocket book settling inside of his coat. "She took me."

Lorenzo mouthed the word, "oh" before he glanced out the window to hide an obvious smirk.

"And anyway," Jack's gestures were grandiose as he walked away from the desk. "You know what they say..."

"Pimpin' ain't easy?"

"No. The other thing. Revenge is a dish best served in public, with a pair of knickers."

Lorenzo snapped his head back too look at Jack. "Tell me you didn't."

"Of course not!" Jack waved off his lawyer and shook his head. "There hasn't been an event big enough yet."

"Jack," Lorenzo's tone was grave. "You really should rethink this."

"Oh, what is she going to do, sue me?"

"Exactly."

"I'll counter sue her for emotional damages."

"You can't do that."

"Bloody well I can!"

"You have to have emotions first."

Jack gaped. "Are you calling me emotionally barren?"

Lorenzo shrugged shoulders. "I'm just sa--"

"Oh please, you underestimate my abilities sometimes."

"Oh, it's not your abilities I'm worried about."

"Well then, what?"

"It's hers."

[swing]

Like 1849, both men undoubtedly raced toward the same gold mine. Estella had already been claimed and Jack intended to make that perfectly clear--no shoddy shirt in a lime green with some awful tie would change that fact, regardless that she was offering them as Christmas presents. In true fashion, Jack dressed to the nines and prepared to make a house call to his lawyer because the phone tag was one-sided and ill received. If there was one thing he hated, it was being ignored.

The stoop unfolded in a carpet of red brick and cracked pavement which polished shoes kicked debris off of before he sat down and glared at the face of his watch. Three minutes until the sun waned too far beyond the line of trees and turned his face from youthful to haggard, which was simply unacceptable. Luckily, the door opened with bravado--laughter and a jingle of keys as locks were turned by the man of the hour. Lorenzo ended his phone call with a shake of his head and slid the phone into his pocket before he nearly dropped the coffee in his hand.

"What the fuck are you doing?!"

Jack feigned surprise as he turned his head over his shoulder, blue eyes widened in shock before an exaggerated batting of eyelashes was offered. A hand rose to his chest when he spoke.

"You never returned any of my calls love, I'm beginning to think you're cheating on me."

"I'm busy, you know that." Lorenzo dropped down a step above Jack--which he thought was symbolic in its own right and grinned broadly. "Can I help you, Mr. Edwards?"

"Oh come off it." Jack's tone was crisp as eyes rolled. "Busy, hm? What might you be busy with?"

"I am a lawyer, you know. Some people have to work for their supper, I know it's a foreign concept to you, but.." He set his coffee down and reached for the blazer that had been discarded, frowning as he didn't find what he wanted, he picked back up his coffee and took a drink rather than finish his sentence.

"You've had time for me before, I'm rather offended, just so you know." He smoothed down his tie and angled on the stair to look at Lorenzo. "You were the one who instituted the 'bros before hos' or what ever it was." He waved a hand as if it wasn't important.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Lorenzo was quick to negate that statement, shifting on the stoop. "I'm not your friend, Jack. I'm your representative."

Jack ignored his negation entirely. "What I don't understand, is who you've abandoned me for."

"What are you talking about?"

"You know exactly what I am talking about. When did you become so chummy with Estella?"

"I'm working on something with her."

"What?" Jack nearly shrieked the word as he whipped his stare at the man. "What do you mean, 'working on something' with her?"

Lorenzo shrugged. "What I said."

"What something is this?"

"I can't disclose information about cases, you know that."

"Oh that's a bloody farce! If it was a case, she wouldn't be buying you that awful shirt!" A hand went over his mouth as if he hadn't meant to let that slip, when he meant to wound everyone in his path.

"Well...I'm representing her, so if she wants to get me a gift, that's her prerogative."

"Really Bobby." Obviously annoyed, Jack was intent on worming out what ever this case was so that he could use it to his advantage. "What are you working on with her."

"Why do you care? I thought you were mad at her for joking around."

"Oh, I was," A slow smirk crossed his face when he spoke. "And then I took care of it."

"How, exactly was that?" Lorenzo took another sip of his slowly cooling coffee.

"Don't act like you don't know."Jack gave Lorenzo a sharp look. "I already told you about this."

"Yeah, but I need clarification. You talk a lot, Jack."

"I took her knickers, and attempted to return them, but apparently Estella doesn't like her clothing enough to take it back when it was offered."

"How, exactly did you try to return them?"

"That's not important."

"It is, Jack. If you were discreet about it, then there wouldn't be a problem."

"I was very discreet!."

Lorenzo gave Jack a look.

"Ferris' party." Jack waved his hand.

"That's not discreet."

"She's not a discreet woman, but of course you'd know all about that, wouldn't you."

While Jack gave Lorenzo a hard look, Lorenzo reached back into his blazer pocket and after a clicking noise went off, he pulled out an envelope from his pocket. "Merry Christmas."

The envelope was snatched and opened while Lorenzo stood and walked to his car. The guttural noise of Jack's scream probably filled most of Manhattan's ears.

[swing]

?Have you lost your damn mind??

Lorenzo slammed his hand on his desk as he jolted up from the chair he was sitting in to throw open the blinds and watch the street. Jack groaned and smeared a fist at his temple as eyes squinted and were eventually shaded when the light became unbearable.

?Must we really have so much light? My eye??

?I don?t give a fuck about your eyes Jack! Do you know what you just did? Do you..? Lorenzo washed a hand over his face before he smoothed it down his tie and laughed lightly. ?Why am I even asking you??

?You don?t have to be such an asshole about it you know.? Jack attempted to straighten in the seat with a haughty lift of his chin until he cowered down again when the light was unblocked by Lorenzo?s moving form. ?I had a drink! That?s all, and you?re bloody acting like we conceived the baby Jesus or something.?

?You just had a drink.? Lorenzo gave him a look before he opened the door and called to his secretary who bustled forward and handed him an envelope. ?No, the baby Jesus is the least of your problems Jack.?

?Oh really.? Jack rolled his eyes and lifted to a stand before Lorenzo applied pressure to his shoulder to force him back in the chair.

?Don?t get up. We?re not finished.?

?Like bloody hell we aren?t.?

As Jack moved to stand again, the envelope was thrust forward until the edge just barely brushed his shirt. Jack glared at Lorenzo who just lifted his eyebrows and tapped the envelope against his shirt again. Jack snatched the envelope and sullenly tore it open before he read the contents with his mouth unhinging slightly more at each sentence.

?You have got to be kidding me.?

?No Jack, have you known me for my sense of humor?? Lorenzo smirked faintly before he sat down again and pointed steepled fingers at him. ?If you come within one hundred and fifty feet of Ms. Havisham, you will be arrested.?

Jack calmly folded the paper into quarters before he tore the document into pieces and scattered them on Lorenzo?s desk before he stood and stalked out. He would not be told what to do, and he most certainly wouldn?t submit to a restraining order. Lorenzo laughed as the door was slammed and dialed the first set of numbers.

?Hello, is this Bridgett? I have a story I think you might be interested. What?s that? Ohh, let?s just say it?s an anonymous tip about Jack Edwards. Are you interested? Great. Have a pen ready??