Lord Of THE Rings

[IBystander]

Sorry, dude... just didnt think that big-ass bow Legolas/Terp was shlepping around would fit into that little quiver he was carrying.

[Van [down by the river]]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by IBystander:
Sorry, dude... just didnt think that big-ass bow Legolas/Terp was shlepping around would fit into that little quiver he was carrying. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

See, now why you gotta go commenting negatively on the size of Terpy's quiver? I never described it, so how come you gotta go assuming it's little?? Huh? Huh???

Anyway, tune in tomorrow sweet IB-Galadriel, you shall have a special day at my hands.....


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Didn't we know? Didn't we feel it?

Time, it seemed to stop outside our window...As we ran down the freeway, to be free.....of everthing...

[IBystander]

Hey, I wasn't the one who made connections between Terp's quiver and his (lack of) output in proportion to the size of his weapon.

(I'm still screwed, eh?

(Fuck.

(Is it too late to claim Filthy's Clause for m'self? please?)

[Van [down by the river]]

"I can't believe it!", said Terpy, once they were a safe distance from the gates of Moria, "Who would've ever thought a Wizard would talk shit and pimp like Ray Lewis?"

"There's a lesson to be learned there, I'm sure...", said Catfish, gravely.

"What, that Vandalf is a dumbass, and a piss poor Wizard?", said Zy.

"Exactly!", said Catfish.

"Where are we, anyway?", asked Filthy. "I know not this strange land."

"We are on the border of Lothlorien, the Greatest Elven Dwelling still remaining in Middle Turd, and the land of my southern kin!", said Terpy.

"Lothlorien! That's where Vandalf told us to go!", squeeked Cuda, excitedly.

"Yes, but didn't you hear the second half of his command?", said Filthy. "That twisted fuck said to seek for Lothlorien, and Innocent Bystander!!"

"Ahh, Innocent Bystander, Galadriel in our tongue. She was given the name Galadriel by our people many ages ago. Loosely translated into the Common Tongue, it means 'Nuh uh!'. The literal Elven translation is 'You're Wrong, You Racist!' She is the Queen Of Lothlorien, and the Highest Elf of all. She rules this forest, nothing happens here without her knowledge. Nothing is even thought here without her dissecting it. Her imprimatur can be felt everywhere here.", said Terpy.

"Does it matter, at this point?", said Zy, "For here is where we find ourselves. We must seek out Innocent Bystander. Besides, IB's cool. I'm in the Chat room with her all the time. She's nothing like what you think, once you get her away from the board. Either way, we cannot go back, there is only forward, and forward leads us into her Realm."

~at this point, the Group is suddenly surrounded by a large force of elves, armed to the teeth. Among these elves are two female Elves, Reina and Lex. Lex, always the more vocal of the two, is the Captain of the force that was sent to intercept the Group.~

"Hey! What the fuck are you Newbies doing in our forest? Stick some man sausage up your cock garages and get the fuck outta here! This is OUR chat, errr, forest! What, did Happy ShinEy throw you out, you despicable pieces of crap!" And so Lex introduced herself, per usual.

~Reina receives word from a messenger that just arrived, and she sidles up to Lex and whispers the message in Lex's ear. Lex, never able to control herself, then turns and cups Reina's ample breasts while tongueing the nape of her neck, as the elven guards nod knowingly. Money is seen being exchanged between some of the elves, and among the stirrings is heard "I see your $20 and raise you another fiddy! I say Lex goes for nipple!"

"Not right now, boys, not in front of these Newbie strangers...", said a flushed Reina.

Lex then turned and addressed the Group again.~

"Okay, fucktards, you're off the hook this time. IB sent word that we're to escort you to her. It seems she knew you were headed this way. But it's a long way off to there from here, so tonight we make camp. There are orcs pouring out of Moria coming after you dipshits, so we're gonna stash you up in the trees while we go plunger those dorks. Oh my hell, I am SOOO sick of Newbies coming here! C'mon Reina, lets go kill anything that moves! Guards, set these idiots up and then let's go kill us some Newbie orcs!"

~The guards that were hidden in the trees threw down some rope ladders and the Group was led up onto some wooden platforms through which the ladders passed. There, the Group spent a restless evening in utter darkness.

At one point, Valvenis thought he heard a strange scrabbling and snuffling sound, coming from the base of his tree. He assumed it was Inky, still following them. He looked down, and in the darkness he could just make out..........Lex just pounding the shit out of Reina with her Elven Dildo.

"Disgusting! Women, having sex!", sniffed Valvenis, as the always aroused Peehole resumed nursing on Valvenis's angry lil' nub.

More scrabbling and snuffling was heard, and this time ignored, by Valvenis, as his reverie would not be broken further that evening. Peehole was conducting the freight train and damn it if Valvenis was going to let anybody prevent him from pulling into the station!~

"Precioussssssssssss, yessssssss, we will take back from these sick Mongoloids what they stole from usssssssss.....", thought Inky to himself, as he snuffled and scrabbled at the base of Valvenis's tree.


~Fast forward to the next morning, when the Group was finally at last brought before Queen IB and her husband King, Wisest and Eldest of All Elves, Jokey. Since Jokey was the Wisest, he knew better than to try to say squat when IB was in one of her interrogation moods. That being the case, for all the times IB ever let him speak, Jokey was therefor known among his Guard as "King Mute, The Fishing King"~

"What mischief hath thou brought into my forest?", asked IB. "Python sent word that there would be Nine in your group, yet I count only eight. What happened to Vandalf?"

"It is with great sorrow that I regret to inform you that......" began Catfish...

"Dude went all Pimp and got himself jacked for it in Moria, after we thought he'd kicked the R.C. Collins' ass!", interrupted Terpy.

"There was an R.C. Collins sighting? So, the rumors were true, there was a dark force asleep beneath Moria!
Ever shall we rue the day that the R.C. Collins awoke from his foul slumber."

"What was Vandalf doing.....", started Jokey, before a stern glance from IB shut his ass up, pronto.

"I see you are all bereaved still", spoke IB, "and shall be all you in need of council. Come to me, one by one, let me see you, and each of you shall peer into my Looking Glass."

~There ensued much pushing and shoving among the Group, as no one wished to get IB'd. Finally, Valvenis was shoved forth, with the order having been agreed upon (by force) as being Nobbits, Terpy, Zy, Filthy and Catfish being the last. Valvenis timidly approached Jokey and IB, terrible yet beautific upon their porcelain thrones.~

Valvenis bowed before the throne, the mere act of which should've caused him untold grief for the rest of his days as a strange green concoction of Peehole's jizz combined with Liquid Drano came squirting out his bung, in full view of the assembled court. Valvenis, well used to such things, carried on, oblivious to ass mischief.....

Valvenis peered into the ornate fountain with the shimmering flat water, expecting to see stars or some shit. At first, he was skeptical, as all he saw was water. Then, just as he was about to step away, the image went dark and Val stood transfixed as the Mirror went into sharp relief. At first, Val saw a parade, a happy parade, nay, a downright gay parade! There were dancing bears in leather thongs and vendors selling latex implements by the score, and everyone was oily! Just as Valvenis was settling into this homey vision the image shifted to a hospital scene, dark, drab and dreary. There he lay, an IV in his arm, a nurse muttering to another, "Fucking poofter, he had to go for the 3 wood, he couldn't be content with gerbils and bowling trophies.." Valvenis wanted to chuckle at his own Mountain Dewness, until the image again shifted and now he beheld the Eye Of Euroclone! Or rather, It beheld him, as he felt naked before the scornful Eye, which pierced his very being. "I see you, you cockroach! You've got my Ring, and blimey but I won't be arsed with fucking about politely removing it from you! I'll be tearing it from you soon, very soon...", the Eye said to Valvenis, who finally fell back from the fountain, shaking in horror!

The elves nearby were about to rush to Valvenis's aid when they were stopped short by a loud explosion! It seems the Liquid Drano in Valvenis's cock garage had formed together with rat poison Peehole had inserted into Valvenis's bung when those fucking possums couldn't be pursuaded to leave and now finally the combination had become unstable and it blew up, scattering Valvenis into a million pieces!

~IB quietly left her throne and walked over to near where Valvenis's bloodied sphincter lay, where of course she found the Ring. She picked it up and pocketed it, for the time being.~

Next up was a completely bewildered Peehole. Peehole looked, and the image of Euroclone's Eye was still there. "Is that you? Peehole? Bwaaaaaahahahaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Christ on a bleedin' stick, I can't wait to get me mitts on you!" Peehole's heart quailed and then stopped, and he fell over, dead as the Saints' chances of ever winning a Super Bowl.

"Dammit", said Zy, "I wanted to be the one to kill them!"

"We all did, Zy, you know we all did.....", replied Catfish.

When Cuda and Warren saw what happened first to Valvenis and then Peehole they knew that they, being even inferior to Valvenis and Peehole, would never be able to withstand IB's Looking Glass. They took off like a shot away from the Looking Glass to the sound of "thwiiip, thwiiiip, thwiiiiip", singing in their ears.

Lex and Reina had finally returned from their sapphic "cigarette break" and their bows were not idle, and now too lay dead Cuda and Warren, pierced with 417 arrows.

Terpy was next. Terpy looked into the Mirror and saw first a college campus. The campus was swarming with 20 year old hotties wearing Catholic school girl outfits, only much shorter and more revealing. Think Britney Spears, doing a pole dance. All around Terpy there were guys just like him, being swarmed over by these 20 year old hotties. Hotties here, there, everywhere, all fairly throwing themselves at the guys all over the campus! Terpy looked on, thinking, "Yes! It's gonna happen for me too! Finally, no longer a virgin! That's what IB is trying to tell me!", when suddenly the hotties in the Mirror all stopped and looked right at Terpy and cried in unison, "Yeah, right, Terpy!! You're a.....hockey goalie, and on a shitty team!! We'll fuck a fire hyrdrant before we get around to fucking you!" Terpy began to cry like Ralph Friedgen in the Orange Bowl when suddenly the image changed! Terpy was aware that he was seeing now Reina, standing in an airport boarding line, with a ticket that said "College Park, Maryland"!! As Terpy watched in the Mirror, Reina quickly ducked out of line and went to the lady's room, where she removed her panties and threw 'em in the trash while saying to no one in particular, "Terpy won't mind if we just cut to the chase when I get there.....He's waited so long!"

Terpy too fell over as if dead, like Peehole! However, unlike Peehole, Terpy is an Elf, so he didn't really die. When he woke up he was in Valinor, taking endless shit from Python about how he couldn't even manage to score with Reina Served On A Platter before croaking from the excitement!

Now strode confidently Zy to IB's Looking Glass Mirror. Before he could even get there, he too fell dead from an arrow to the throat!

"Oops!", giggled Reina.

"How much shit are you gonna give me in Chat now, punk!", said Lex, her bow still smoking.

Filthy, seeing how this was playing out, simply walked up to the Looking Glass and cried, "I am NOT dying by some bitch's arrows! I told you, I HATE arrows!", before impaling himself on his own sword.

Catfish, well aware of his Destiny and his known friendship with the Elves of both Rivendell and Lothlorien, next approached with eagerness the Looking Glass.

At first all he saw was steam, lots of steam. Then the image panned back and Catfish saw that what he was looking at was Python's daughter, Liv Tyler, and she was showering! She was soaping the crack of her ass and then she turned and fluffed her bush and soaped her pert breasts before looking right at Catfish and saying, "C'mon in, Catfish. Our time has come. Let's spawn!"

Catfish was pleased, for so far all was going according to plan. The Mirror held no peril for him!

Looking again, the image had changed. Now it was showing him long theater lines, endless theater lines. A 50 year old man who couldn't have looked like more of a "Star Wars" style geek was standing in line reading a newspaper, the Iowa Gazzette, dated September 14th, 2057. The bold face script above the fold on the front page screamed out "Lord Of The Rings Trilogy Now In Its 432nd Straight Month Atop Box Offices!"

Catfish, puzzled over this, wondered what it had to do with him? Looking longer, the image changed to a Burger King franchise Grand Opening, and there was a middle aged Catfish standing there holding a Commemorative "LOTR" Light Em Up Catfish Mug, posing with some balding franchise owner during a ribbon cutting ceremony. Quickly, the image changed to Marc Hamill, now 78 years old, being pushed around in a wheelchair at a "Star Wars" convention. 78 year old "Luke Skywalker" was being propped up at yet another Trekkie-like convention, doomed over his entire life to be typecast as "Luke". There quickly again followed another image of Catfish sitting next to Whoopi Goldberg on "The NEW Hollywood Squares" and then Catfish understood! He cried, "IB, you cunt, you shall NOT torture me for ETERNITY!" and in his best Mel Gibson Braveheart voice he bellowed "Freeedoooommmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!" and ran off madly into the Magical woods, never to be heard from again.

IB, satisfied as only she can be, got up and walked over to her Looking Glass. She peered into it, until finally the Eye Of Euroclone was upon her. There then was fought the most epic of battles, silently, wordlessly, as IB and Euro saw each other at the last, and vied for the mastery. Finally, in the end, IB went for the kill: "Euro, consider this. I cannot die. I will be here FOREVER. Now, why do you have to call yourself the Dark Lord? Are you Afro American? No. So, you're just equating "black" with "evil", aren't you? Also....."

At that precise moment the Ring in IB's pocket grew hot and then "Poof!" it vanished into thin air and there was a cataclysmic eruption! Mt Doom had exploded! Euroclone, The Dark Lord, Foe Of The World, had thrown HIMSELF into the fiery chasm.............

And thus did end the Lord Of The Ring, and with his ending came finally peace over all the lands, and a new age, the age of Man......
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DENOUEMENT

"You know", thought Jokey to himself amidst the piles of bodies, "I've never bothered looking into IB's little fountain. I wonder what I'd see?"

Jokey peered into the Looking Glass. He saw at first himself, fishing on a tranquil lake. He was happy with what he saw.

"Watcha doin' Hon?", said IB, as she noticed Jokey looking into her Mirror.

"I'm looking into your Mirror thingie here. It says that I'll be doing lots of fishing, and that I'll be really happy."

"Now remember Jokey, my Mirror doesn't show the complete picture. It shows some things that have happened, some that are happening and some that might yet happen. It's not always dead accurate, a lot of it is interpretation."

"Well, My Queen, it seems pretty straight forward to me. It shows me fishing, and that's what I want to do, to, you know, get away when I need to and stuff...", offered Jokey, as he caught himself just short of saying what he truly felt, which was that he NEEDED his fishing "alone time" in order to get away from HER!

"Well see, Honey, that's just what I mean by this Mirror! What you're looking at is obviously a scene of your past!"

"Whaddya mean?? How can you tell???"

"Well, it's obvious, silly! Now that the Ring is no more and Euroclone is gone we obviously can turn our attention more to each other! For starters, from now on I'm going to join you every time you go fishing and..."

And with that, Jokey snapped! He looked at IB with madness in his eyes and drew his sword and in one clean stroke offed her head, mid sentence!! As IB's head was rolling down the hill, still babbling on about her plans for him, Jokey ran around in circles like a buffoon, like the ending of a Benny Hill episode.

Even in the long years of Valinor, Jokey was never again right in the head.
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"My precioussssssssssssss, it'ssss gone!!! Cursesssssssssss IB, cursessssssssssss to you!" Inky was in a totally wretched state. He'd been watching everything, from behind a firewall. His one lone motivation which drove him far beyond the normal years of his kind, gone. With nothing left to skulk around over, nothing left to hate, he curled up and died, broken at last.
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"Yeeeeaahhhhhh BooooooooooooYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!! I'm baaaaaaaaaaack, ready to......Huh? What the fuck? Where is everybody??"

"Vandalf! You're alive!", cried Reina and Lex.

"Of course I'm alive! It was a bitch finally beating down the R.C. Collins! It took weeks, and a lot of beer, but I said I'd catch up with everybody later, didn't I? And here I am, now ascended to Vandalf The White!! I am now Master! But...........what's with all the death and carnage? What happened??"

"IB killed everybody, and she ate the Ring, and Euroclone jumped into the fiery chasm rather than deal with her any more, and then Jokey snapped and killed IB. He's off in the woods doing Benny Hill circles. Also, Catfish disappeared. That's pretty much it.", said Reina.

"So, Master, what do you plan on doing with Reina and me?", asked Lex, with mischief in her eye, obedience in her heart and the usual puddle between her legs........


THE END

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Didn't we know? Didn't we feel it?

Time, it seemed to stop outside our window...As we ran down the freeway, to be free.....of everthing...

[This message has been edited by Van [down by the river] (edited January 24, 2002).]

[Python]

I DID NOT DIE!!!

Rack the whole friggin thing, Van. That's some truly funny stuff.

Benny Hill circles..BBBWWWAAAHHHAAA!!!

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Cafeteria isn't that difficult to spell.

[imported_Helmet_Head]

Holy shit. I haven't checked in here in weeks, and then I see this piece of work?? Fukkin RACKS for Van.

Who gets to be the eagles? And Shelob? and Treebeard?

PS - Warren Marmalade? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

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All your take are belong to us.

[IBystander]

It was all a plot! and after reading that last section, that isn't Vicodin he's been taken!

Fuck you, man - and RACK YOU, too!

(so what was Zy gonna see if Lex hadn't waxed him?)

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"If there's anything worse than someone who doesn't think before they hit SUBMIT, it's a self-propping hypocrite who cares more about image than what's truly on their mind." - Lion

[OmegaVerb]

Rack.

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It's not like you to be so stupid ... Try harder next time.

[Van [down by the river]]

Racks back to everybody who was a good sport about this, especially you, Annie, who probably took the second harshest beating of all in this little fable! (I'd say Team Nutsack, plus Jimmah and Skilla, took the heaviest blows....)

(Also, Annie, thanks for your editing help.)

What I fear is the Chat wrath of Terpy, Reina and Lex, if they ever get wind of this!

Filthy, no arrows! Cool?

Zy got screwed. I admit it. He didn't get to kill one single mofo!! And then to get offed by Lex!! Dude, I owe you.


Catfish, Jokey, enjoy the Rubber Room....

Py, I just couldn't bring myself to kill ya, you fuck....Man, but you made out like a Bandit.

I also couldn't bring myself to carry this thing out over the many weeks it would've taken to complete this, had I taken it all the way to the end of the third book. Too many problems with the board freezing, too much post-op discomfort sitting here hour upon hour typing, just too damn much work.

So, instead, a nice clean ending where IB gets violently killed. That should make the board happy, you bunch of sick, pathetic puds.....


Archive this fucker.


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Didn't we know? Didn't we feel it?

Time, it seemed to stop outside our window...As we ran down the freeway, to be free.....of everthing...

[Dr. Dooom]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Van [down by the river]:

DOOM DOOM DOOM....DOOMDOOM..DOOMDOOM
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
Goddamn right.


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Who's that peekin in my window?
POW
Nobody now.