demonology

**demon chloe** · October 19th, 2005, 01:21 AM

Where to start...where to start. My mind races these days. Races to the point I often use my 40 minutes of daily drive time as a reflection often resulting in tears. NOt all tears are the result of some horrible trauma. Don't get me wrong. Life isn't bad. In fact, Life is pretty darn good mostly kinda sorta.

Im a single woman. Pretty much facing the world alone in the ways that scare me most. TRouble at the home, figure it out. Trouble on the road? Figure it out. Issues are my deal. Can my boytoy help? Yep, from afar. Not much you can do 100 miles away but listen to me.. and he does. He's a great listener. Do I have family? Oh my yes. We get together a lot. But they are not a resource for me. FOr whatever reason, most of them personal I don't go to them seeking any advice. I am now my mothers parent in the sense the advice giver isn't there anymore. Not that she ever gave much in the way of advice but what she did, isn't around.

Even w/ that im way more honest w/ my MOm then I ever was when I was w/ Frank. Even when my heart was ripped out and I was laying there bleeding I put a smile on and went over to her house and made small talk like I had a delightful day. Now she knows my sadness ( sort of ) and she knows my gladness ( all of it ) and she knows where I stand day to day...

But when the day is done I feel alone a lot. Maybe I always will. Maybe I won't. Some might say it's how it should be. Others might say its temporary. A few might say it's part of finding me.

Whatever it is... im not embracing it very well. Life is hard. The hard stuff for me is the worrying. My financial situation is my situation. No one can help. Family or friends I mean. It's kind of taking its own course...scary as it is.

Today I bought a birthday present. Couldn't really afford much but i've figured out that it isn't quantity... it's thought. Hope she liked it.

Today I bought myself a treat too. I bought a bag of gummi bears. Funny how the 300 d ollar purse carrying nice dresser... hasn't bought a new thing in over a year... and finds a 1.29 bag of gummi bears a real treat....

I live amongst my means. I don't ever save a penny. Not really sure how to yet. NO!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

not true...

i have a change jar... [img]wink.gif[/img]

and w/ my change that I just EMPTIED tonight as i cleaned my house SPIffy and SPAN... I bagged my change up... im going to give it to Mark to save for me...

1) for my camera. I am sure I have about 30 dollars of change and well, it is a start....

but... - siiiiiiiiiLLy grin -

i might save it for my christmas tree... cuz in just over a month...I will need about 40 dollers to ... get me a tree !

i don't need presents... in fact im sure this year there wont be any...

but i do love a beautiful tree....to me, it's all about the tree....

star light...star bright...twinkly twinkly christmas lights...

oh joy i love my tree...

Last year Mark came and took me to get a tree... I had always gone w/ Frank. Even separated for years... still did it together.. Was/Is a nice memory to be honest... But doing it w/ Mark last year was AWESOME. I shared something special about me w/ him...right at the start of our dating relationship. We brought it home....kept cutting it off...to get it to fit for the cieling...and went to a movie and dinner...

Was nice... just thought id add that...

Tomorrow is the last day of our work week. I am headed to South Dakota for some long time needed snuggling. Not very often we get more than 2 days in a row together. So, for me... there I shall be.

THursday should be FISHING!!! / or Sioux Falls and a little ding'in around. I have no money to ding but he will buy my meal so im all good in that direction.

Friday is FISHING or SIoux Falls.. wh ichever works best for weather.

Saturday Mark has company coming and so for the first time.... I get to be there too.. at the same time. They are going hunting so I will correct my 63 language arts tests and do my homework...

then im going to make him a beautiful book of his lovely dog.... ROsie.... [img]graemlins/dog.gif[/img]

mabbe do some baking...cleaning...watching movies and well the best part is just waking up over night....next to a nice warm body... smiling... knowing im loved, knowing i love him more than i ever expected...smiling and going back to sleep...

gummi bears are good but too many make you taste all fruity inside and want to yak.. imho !

okay im out for the night... just a long over tired ramble from a happy sorta confused sad demon child...

smile today....

*Olivia* · October 19th, 2005, 08:40 AM

Originally posted by demon frog:

Today I bought myself a treat too. I bought a bag of gummi bears. Funny how the 300 d ollar purse carrying nice dresser... hasn't bought a new thing in over a year... and finds a 1.29 bag of gummi bears a real treat....

<font size="4" face="Tempus Sans ITC, Verdana, Arial">i've been there amy, where you are, maybe even worse than where you are, and come back from being there...and i can honestly say, it changed me and taught me one of the most important life lessons....it made me more appreciative of what is actually valuable when one has less than nothing, and i appreciate so much more than i ever did because of it

out of all my life experiences, having nought when i'd had so much taught me the most about myself, the people around me and how damn strong i can be

good luck with it