just a few jokes - 2 or 3 i think

[Ray Ray]

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:
Dear Wife (that's what he called her):
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband (that's what she called him):
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

[Ray Ray]

The Vegas Hooker
This guy goes out to Las Vegas, and wins really big in one of the casinos. When you win big in Vegas the casino will give you free things, like meals, show tickets, or rooms, this is all designed to keep you there so that you will lose what money you have won.
After winning fifty thousand dollars at the crap table, the casino decides to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite. The guy goes up to the room, opens the big double doors, and steps into a three room suite. The room is on a corner of the hotel and two walls are nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city. There's a wet bar in one corner, with a big screen TV. The guy drops his bag on money in a chair and stands looking out the windows at the city. He realizes he is all alone and needs someone to share his good fortune with. He calls down to the front desk and tells the clerk to send up one of the best high-priced call girls in the city.

Thirty minutes later there's a knock on the door. The guy opens it and there is the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen. Long blond hair, short red dress, and spiked heels. She walks into the room. The guy goes over to the bar and fixes two drinks, he gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself.

"Now, down to business," he says. "How much for a hand job?"
The hooker says, "Honey, a hand job is $500.00"
"What? That's outrageous."
"Come over here," she says walking towards one of the windows.
"See that strip mall over there," pointing out the window, "I own the last two stores on the end. I was able to buy those stores with the money I saved from giving hand jobs. I must be pretty damn good."
"All right, screw it, money is no object."

A half hour after she's done the guy is sitting on the couch reveling in ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and makes two more drinks. He gives one to the hooker and drinks one himself.

"That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a blow job?"
"Honey, a blow job is $5000.00"
"What? That's outrageous."
"Come over here," she says walking towards another one of the windows. "See that hotel and casino over there on the corner," pointing out the window? "I own that. I was able to buy it with the money I saved from giving blow jobs. I must be pretty damn good."
"All right, what the hell, it's only money." The guy gives her $5000.00

An hour after she's done, the guy is laying on the couch, head rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. He gets up, barely able to stand, staggers over to the bar, mixes two more drinks, gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself.

"My god, that was the best blow job I have ever had, I've gotta know, how much for some pussy?"
The hooker looks at him and says, "Honey, if I had a pussy I would own this whole city............"

[Ray Ray]

Miricles can happen
A woman was feeling rather ill, you know throwing, stomach pains, The whole nine yards. So she, goes to her doctor for a diagnosis.

"Doctor," she says. "Examine me, something's wrong."
"Okay, let's have a look." says the doctor.

So the woman strips and lays on the table naked. He looks between her legs once and says "You know what? You're pregnant."
The woman says, "But Doctor, that can't be, I'm a virgin"
Doctor says "It's possible I've made a mistake, let's look again" And he examines her again, "No doubt about it, you're pregnant"
"But Doctor, you MUST be mistaken," she insisted "I'm a virgin" And Doctor says "Well, you're pregnant" and with that he leaves her lying on the table and opens the window and starts staring out.

The woman after about two minutes asks "Doctor, what could you possibly be staring at outside the window, while that draft is blowing betwwen my legs?!"
"Well, I say you're pregnant, right?"
"Yes"
"You say you're not, right?"
"Yes." She says again.
"Well, the last time this happened this happened there was a star in the East and I won't miss the son of a bitch this time!!!"

[Ray Ray]

Things to Say at a Job Interview
1.See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.
2.Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; 'Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.'

3.Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: 'The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don't ya' think?'

4.After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, 'Of course I was totally hammered at the time.'

5.Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.

6.Claim you wouldn't even need a sit-in' job if Al Einstein hadn't stolen your secret patent for- '2000 Flushes'

7.Over-emphasize your ability to use a photocopier.

8.Ask if it's O.K. that you sit on the floor.

9.Tell them that you would little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job.

10.Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you're not leaving.

11.Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like making anything else up.

12.Ask secretary if she'll sit on your lap during interview.

13.Walk into interviewers office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; 'NOW we can begin.'

14.When making small talk and the Simpson trial comes up, shout; You mean Homer and Marge are in some kind of trouble?' run out of room.

15.Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward interviewer, ask; 'smell these, these smell funny to you???'

16.Upon walking in to the office for first time ask reception to hold all your calls.

[Ray Ray]

The frog joke
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
"Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

They go to "Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

[Ray Ray]

cyberdates click me

[Ray Ray]

11 sexually suggestive lines from Star Wars
"Is that a lightsaber in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
"Get in hear you furry oaf, I don't care what you smell"
"Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
"Put that thing away before you get us all killed"
"You've got something jammed in there real good"
"Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
"You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought"
"Sorry about the mess..."
"Look at the size of that thing!"
"Curse my metal body. I wasn't fast enough"
"She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts

[Ray Ray]

The Mexican
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right
by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the
law, you've got to go back across the border right now."

The Mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de
USA! Pleeeze!"

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard
for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words
in a sentence".

The Mexican man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and
Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence."

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says,
"Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green,... I Pink it up,
and sez Yellow?"

[Ray Ray]

Computer Terms
State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer ... to become obsolete.

GUI (pronounced "gooey")- What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

[Ray Ray]

American Cuisine

Two immigrants, new to America, are wandering around on their first day off the boat in New York City, seeing the sights. Pretty soon they realize it's time for lunch and they're hungry from walking around all morning. They see a street vendor selling hotdogs.
The first immigrant says, "I can't believe it! They eat dogs in America."
The second immigrant, although equally shocked, replies, "Well, we're going to be Americans now, so we have to behave like Americans and eat like Americans."
They approach the vendor and bravely order two hotdogs.
The vendor hands them their meals in paper sacks. They find a park bench nearby where they sit down to eat their first American meal. The first immigrant looks inside his sack. Closing it quickly, he turns to his friend in shock.

"Uh, which part of the dog did YOU get?"