Laugh Dammit !

[SummerStorm]

those are hilarious*LMFAO*

[ellanoize]

Joe died. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.



As the last guests departed the affair, his wife turned to her
oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.



"I'm sure you're right," replied her friend, who lowered her voice
and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it?" said Joe's wife. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" the friend exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Well, the funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake,
food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.

The friend computed quickly. $22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how
big is it?!



"Two and a half carats."

[ellanoize]

A man, and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring down rain out there!"

Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.

"Don't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

So, the man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

Yes, Please!" comes the reply from the dark.

Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

[mRs.GaToR]

*ROFLMAO* That last one is hysterical!

[Rogue Angel]

lol, rog... *huggs*... where do you find this stuff? [img]tongue.gif[/img]

[ellanoize]

Uhh...Would you believe I make it up? No...I <s>steal</s> Find them from emails, forums and the local coffie house. Are ya ready fer 'nother one?


In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You
think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. "

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney nearly collapsed.

The judge instructed both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

[Rogue Angel]

*giggle* [img]graemlins/thumbs_up.gif[/img]

[mRs.GaToR]

OMG! *ROFLMAO*

[ellanoize]

A doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.
"Garge, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers Garge.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So,Garge, how was your day?"
Garge told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says Garge.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jesus Garge, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

[ellanoize]

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.
As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee she's fat!"
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet.
A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"
The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.
Just then her pager begin to emit a beep, beep, beep.
The little boy yells out, "Run, she's backing up!!"