Laugh Dammit !

[ellanoize]

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast ?"

[Rogue Angel]

*chuckles*..... [img]graemlins/thumbs_up.gif[/img]

[ellanoize]

[mr rogie]

Guy has to put his old father in a nursing home, he asks if it is possible to stay with his father until he goes to bed. 'Of course.' replies the nurse.
Just before bedtime the nurse tells his old father, 'Come on, time for you hot chocolate and viagra.'
The man is stunned and quickly asks why his father is being given these before bed.
'Well,' says the nurse, 'the hot chocolate puts him to sleep and the viagra stops him rolling out of bed!'

[Rogue Angel]

omg! lol..... *snickers*... i like the cartoon.... i'm gonna show that to my mom.... lmao, it will piss her off, but 10 minutes later, she will have forgotten all about it! [img]tongue.gif[/img]

[mr rogie]

Bad To Worst

Good: You get a three-day weekend. Bad: You get the flu on Friday.

Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: The secretary said "yes." Bad: Your wife says "no."

Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: For another woman.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce. Worse: She's a lawyer.

Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism. Worse: As a sacrifice.

Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser. Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room. Worse: You're in it.

Bad: You can't find your vibrator. Worse: You Find It in your Daughter's room.

Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right". Bad: Your son, that is.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude. Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex. Bad: You live downtown.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude. Bad: She's coming home.

Good: Your wife's kinky. Bad: With the neighbors.

[mr rogie]

A man finally goes with his wife to church, after promising her for weeks that he?d go. Surprisingly, the man was so impressed with the preacher?s sermon he stopped on the way out to shake his hand.

?Preacher, I?ll tell you, that was a DAMN fine sermon.?

The preacher says, ?Why thank you sir, but we don?t used profanity in the house of the Lord.?

The man says, ?But preacher, seriously, I?m not a religious man, but that was the best DAMNED sermon I ever heard.?

The preacher says again, ?Sir, while I appreciate what you?re trying to say, I must be blunt: DO NOT use curse words in the Lord?s house again.?

The man says, ?Well, anyway, I was so impressed with your sermon that I placed $5000 dollars in the collection plate?.

?No Shit?? says the Preacher.

[statstar]

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous
So he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't," she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of
Latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their
Hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes
Of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she
Burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

[Rogue Angel]

i am SO gonna think about that the next time i'm at the dentist... then i'll be embarrassed, cuz my dentist is a very rich very hot looking man. *L*

[ellanoize]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long.
Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"